Phan Oneshots

I'm Sorry Phil

Word count: 925
Trigger warning: Mentions of suicide and sad.

A/N: please don't hate me after this, i am so sorry.

I walked along the pavement's of the London streets. I looked around, feeling the cold air nip at my face harshly. The lights were all out, everyone feeling festive at this time of the year. Who wouldn't? Christmas is always the best time for most people. I looked at the town square, admiring the tall tree, decorated with bright lights and tinsel, the many other decorations. 

I felt the wind tug on me, telling me to move. To keep walking. So I did. I was feeling guilty. The guild clinging on to me. pulling at me. Making the situation I was in worse. I never meant to yell, or make him leave. 

I haven't seen Phil for months. His channel is active. No trace of him feeling sadness. No trace of him feeling what I feel.

I don't blame him. I told him that... I never loved him and that i was playing him. I was drunk at the time. We both were. He left me tat the apartment in tears. He just left. Packed his bags and walked out of the door. Not even a good bye or anything. I don't blame him.

Now i feel like my life has no meaning. Phil gave me a reason to live. Phil was the reason I live. I don't have that reason any more. 

I don't plan on leaving a letter or sending a text to him. I plan on putting up just one last video. I need to apologise to everyone. 

When me and Phil split apart 2 months ago, social media had gone mad.Questions were thrown our ways, hate saying that we wouldn't have lasted from the start. That friendships like the one we had always fall.

I feel numb. I don't even have the energy to cry. I was far out of the city by now, reaching the bridge. Cliché place to die, but this is where me and Phil had first had our argument. He saved me here. He made my life feel like it had purpose and stopped me. What a stupid mistake to make. 

I grabbed my iPhone from my pocket and started to video my last video to post on twitter and Facebook  

I started to record myself. "Hello internet... i'm sorry i haven't posted lately... i know you are all worried, but don't be. Phil is fine, you guys are okay i hope... i'm just... a broken mess. No one will remember me when i'm gone. I know it. So this... is an apology to everyone i hurt... offended... destroyed... and it is also..." I took a shaky breath. "It was great knowing you all. I had fun while it lasted, but now... i have nothing. I knew that this would happen. I knew i was never good enough. Now you won;t have to put up with me..." I laughed a little, feeling the tears threaten to spill. 

I stepped up onto the bridge side and held the phone up again, getting back into the camera shot on my phone. "Bye guys." I waved, smiling to leave one last memory of my smile, even if it was forced and cut the video. I posted it to only get comments of:

DAN NO! STOP! THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING!

Dan please! Don't go! Don't do it! Get down from there!

He won't do it. He's too scared.

Useless crybaby, taking in the attention. He loves being in the spotlight doesn't he?

I don't blame some of them for hating me. I hate myself too. I put my phone in my pocket, looking down at the water, breathing in and out slowly. "I'm sorry I let you down Phil." I was just about to step over, just about to end the pain.

"DON'T YOU DARE DO IT." I felt a pair of arms pull me back and wrap around me, sobbing onto my shoulder from behind. My heart shatter, or what was left of it. My face drained of colour completely, i could feel it.

"Don't leave me. I'm sorry i left, i'm sorry i was a bad best friend, i'm sorry i never replied to you whenever you texted, i'm sorry i didn't just accept your apologies, i'm sorry i stormed out in the first place, i'm sorry i took all of the meaning of life away from you from one stupid thing... but please don't leave me here alone. I'll come back to the apartment, i'll be a better person, i'll forgive you, i'll never leave again, i'll give you the meaning of life again, i just don;t want you to leave me Dan."

I didn't have to look to see who it was, instead i collapsed to the floor, in Phil's arms dragging him down with me, letting everything that i held back out. Breaking down again. I turned to hug him, and he held me in his arms tight.

"Never do that again. Don't try to leave me again Dan. I promise to stay by your side... no matter what you say to me." I just hugged him tighter, if it was even possible at this point.

"I never meant any of it Phil... You do mean something to me... I do love you. I wasn't playing you at all. I meant everything i said but the things that were said that night." We were both crying, on the floor in a pile.

" I know that now Dan." He stroked my hair, and i clung to him, never letting him go again. 

"I love you Phil." I mumbled, hearing him whisper back, "I love you too Dan."