The Baby Project. C.H. (A.U.)

Thirty-Four // Communication.

"No, He hasn't said anything, not to me anyway. I'm only saying that because I know how easy it is to think you're the problem when you aren't."

"Thanks." I smile feeling grateful. "I actually needed to hear that."

"Well you know you're pretty easy on the eyes yourself." Luke teases and hit him in the shoulder once more. He was never going to let me live that down.

<->

We all spent a couple more hours at the beach before deciding to call it day. It was nice to be out with everyone again, it was like old times and it was nice to be reminded that things weren't always so complicated. Over the years a lot had changed and we had all grown up but I was glad that the one thing that didn't change was our friendships, they only seemed to of gotten stronger and that was one of the best things because so many people who are friends in high school almost never make it past those four years but we all had and I was actually proud of us.

I had been downstairs finishing up dinner while Calum had gone to shower but then I realized that he had gone up to do that quite some time ago and wasn't back down here yet. I made sure to take everything off the element so there wasn't any possible way any fires could start and so I could just come back down and serve everything once I had located Calum.

It didn't take me long to find him because he was laying on the bed looking completely wiped out, you could always count on the beach to tire you out.

"You okay there?" I ask sitting down next to Calum who was currently laying on his stomach while leaning his head on one of his arms.

"Yeah just tired." Calum gives me a small smile.

"I can see that." I bring my hand up to brush my fingers through his now damp here and he closes his eyes at my touch. "Dinner's ready."

"Mhm." Calum mumbles opening his eyes again before pulling himself up. "I love you." Calum says randomly which makes me smile.

"I love you too." Calum smiles then takes me by surprise by pressing his lips to mine hungrily. I instantly kiss him back and with his help maneuver myself so that I was sitting his lap. Calum lightly bites my bottom lip which makes my body shiver, It really had been too long and It felt like I was extra sensitive to his actions.

Calum carefully lays me back on the bed making sure his lips never leave mine. My whole body felt like it was on fire and I was dying of anticipation. This had to of been the longest time that Calum and I had gone without sex and I knew that we probably relied on it too much as something that always made us connect but I really couldn't care because in those moments it was always just Calum and I, and what anybody else thought or said just didn't matter.

Calum's lips detach themselves from lips before moving down to my neck, He nips softly at the skin at first but then gradually increases his assault causing involuntary moans to escape from my lips.Why had we waited so long to reconnect? What could of been stopping when this felt so right and natural and easy. I didn't understand but maybe I didn't need to because it seemed like this dry spell was about to be over.

Funnily enough though just as soon as I think we are finally going to get back to normal Calum pulls back almost instantly. I open my eyes to look at him and find a strange look on his face, I usually could read Calum perfectly but in this moment it was proving to be utterly difficult.

"Cal what's wrong?" I ask softly and he shakes his head at me before moving to the other end of the bed, It was like he needed to get as far away from me as possible.

"I'm sorry. I just... I can't." Calum admits looking down at his hands. I reply Luke's words from today in my head and remind myself that it's not me but if it wasn't me then it had to be Calum.

What was going on with him?

"You can't what?" I question sitting up completely. I carefully scoot over to him so that I'm directly in front of him but he still doesn't look up at me. "Calum?"

"I'm sorry." Calum mumbles and a frown etches it's way on to my face. What was he sorry for? Had he cheated... No there's no way that he would do that to me, there's was no way he could do that to us right?

"Calum I don't understand what you're sorry for." I admit but I know he already knows how confused I am. "Please talk to me." I beg reaching for his hands. "Hey, Look at me!" I command and he actually listens and makes eye contact with me.

He looks pained when he looks up at me and that makes me panic. What was going on? Was he okay? I had never seen his eyes look like that before in all the time I had known him so I was more then worried.

"It's just me Cal. You can talk to me about anything, you can tell me anything even if you think it might hurt me okay?" I tell him and he nods and then takes a deep breath.

"Okay." Calum mumbles looking nervous. "I'm just terrified, In fact I'm really fucking terrified."

"Of what?" I ask wanting to know exactly what was going on the man that I loved. I had noticed that he had seemed a little off lately but I just figured he was stressed and extra tired because he had been working too much, I knew now that I was obviously wrong. Something much bigger was going on and it seemed like it was eating at him.

"Loosing you." Calum says and confusion spreads of me again before I feel myself become more concerned then anything. Why was he scared of loosing me? I wasn't going anywhere anytime soon?

"You're not going to baby, I'm right here." I reassure him.

"But I did loose you Genie and I just can't get passed the idea that I might loose you again." Calum explains but I still feel lost.

"I don't understand." I shake my head feeling a little frustrated with myself. I should be able to understand what he was telling me but I just couldn't.

"We had sex and you got pregnant and then you miscarried and that's when I lost you." Calum explains. "What if that happens again? I can't go through that again and I know you can't either Genie and I'm not going to let you." Calum tells me and all of it sudden it all makes sense.

"Calum-" I start but then stop because I can't find the words. I couldn't tell him that everything would be fine and that me miscarrying would never happen again because truthfully it could happen again and I wasn't going to lie to him.

"You know I had this dream.." Calum says and I'm kind of glad that he's started talking again because it gave me more time to think of what to say to him. "We were at this ballet recital and I didn't know what we were doing there or who we were even there for but then everything changed and we were at an Ice cream parlor. It was odd because almost everyone was there but I still had no idea what I was doing there." Calum recalls and I listen intently. "Everything made sense though as soon as I saw her."

"Saw who?" I inquire and Calum gives me a smile.

"Our daughter." Calum tells me and my breath instantly hitches in my throat. "She was beautiful Genie, She was single handedly the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I couldn't believe how much of both us she seemed to have, She was the perfect combination of us and as soon as I saw her I feel in love."

"Really?" I ask tears already brimming in my eyes. Calum had never even mentioned this before and in a weird way I was kinda jealous because I hadn't dreamed about our baby since the night I had miscarried, it was like as soon as the fetus was gone, the dreams were to.

"But then we were going to leave and she ran to you and I couldn't move." Calum explains. "I was stuck in place and then you two started to getting further and further away. All I could think was that I my girls were slipping away and there was nothing I could do."

"And then what happened?"

"I woke up." Calum shrugs looking almost dazed. "It was horrible."

"Cal I'm sorry. Why didn't you tell me about it sooner?" I ask and he shakes his head before looking down at our entwined hands.

"I don't know."

It's silent between us for a few minutes, each of us lost in our thoughts. It was like we both had so much to say but neither of us knew how to say it.

"I know it's hard and I understand why you're scared but we can't live in fear. One of the best things about life is not knowing how the future is going to unfold and yeah, sometimes what happens is the worst possible thing imaginable like loosing our baby before we even got the chance to know him or her but then life also throws some pretty great things at us. I never thought that the love of my life would of been my roommate but you were and I wouldn't take any of that back Cal." I tell him hoping that he understands what I'm saying.

In life you were going to get beaten down but then you would also be to rise up. I believe now more than ever that we had to experience the bad in life to really appreciate the good and although loosing our baby was the worst pain I would possibly go through, it was worth it. I was thankful because it showed me how much good I had in my life and how much I should be happy for.

"We can always find the bad if we look for it." I say and Calum looks at me with glassy eyes which makes my heart want to burst. You know how they say that when the person you love is hurting you hurt to? Well it was most definitely true.

"I just...I ache." Calum admits his voice cracking. "I just want it to stop." I lean forward and wraps my arms around his neck and hold him close to me, I couldn't bare to see him like this. I knew he was still hurting..I mean we both were. I just didn't know it was on this level

"I know, I know." I mumble as Calum begun to sob quietly against my chest. "I'm sorry baby, I'm so sorry." I wished I could take his pain away but I couldn't and that hurt more than he would ever know. This pain though that was cursing through us everyday under the surface wasn't the pain that would just magically go away, it like most pain was the kind that went away with time. Slowly and slowly we would heal until we were semi-whole again, I say semi because when you go through a loss like this I didn't think you ever really healed fully.

"We need to find a way to be happy again, to kind of be the people we were before Cal but we need to do it together okay? We need to do it at our own pace and if that means waiting a little longer until we're intimate again then that's what we will do." I tell him. I knew we could make it through this. A few months ago I would of thought differently but I was already beginning to heal and I knew Calum would reach the same point as me soon, he just needed more time.

A/N: This is not edited but it's like 2 in the morning so I think you can forgive me haha. Sorry this update is a little late I got stuck watching screams queens so it's not my fault! Anyway I hope you like this and for anyone who has either read it before or is interested in reading it, I have re-posted The Fame Game! So check it out and let me know what you think!