The Baby Project. C.H. (A.U.)

Twenty Eight // Break Down.

"Luke." I say standing at the door to his room. His eyes fix on me straight away and a look of concern spreads to his features almost immediately.

"Genie what's wrong?" Luke asks sounding alarmed as he stands from his bed and walks over to me.

"My baby died." I choke out everything hitting me all at once. All the emotions I had pushed aside since that morning were coming at me at full force and it was simply unbearable. "My baby died." I repeat before sinking to my knees, the tears were coming out fast and hot and I couldn't stop them.

I couldn't stop any of this.

"Oh Genie." Luke mutters before rushing over to me and wrapping me in his arms. "I know, okay I know." Luke soothes. "Just let it out."

"It hurts." I whimper pulling back slightly from Luke. "It really hurts Luke."

"I know baby girl and I'm so sorry." Luke tells me only bringing me closer.

I could barely even put in to words how I was feeling and it only made me understand why I put this all off.  For the last couple of months I had just been pretending, I had pretended that I was fine and that I was dealing with the miscarriage but I really wasn't

I had just been ignoring everything, ignoring how I felt and how unbelievably broken I had been from that day.

I couldn't ignore anything anymore though...there was just no way I could. I just couldn't do it anymore, it hurt finally acknowledging everything but strangely it hurt a little less then pretending everything was fine.

John Green was right when he said 'Pain demands to be felt' because it most definitely did and no matter how much I didn't want to feel it, there was no escape for me.

Not anymore.

"I don't know how to deal with this Luke." I whimper burying my face deeper in to Luke's chest. I was beyond glad that he was here right now. I don't know what I would of done if he wasn't. I had finally admitted to myself that I couldn't do it by myself, I couldn't move pass this by myself and that was perfectly okay because sometimes you needed others, sometimes things were too much to handle on your own and I truly understand that now.

"Nobody does G....but all we can do is our best." Luke tells me as he lets out a sigh. "I promise it'll be okay, just know that you have some many people who love you and that will be there every step of the way alright?"

"Alright." I mumble. Luke couldn't more right because I had all of my family and friends who would help, in fact all they had been wanting to do was help but I had just pushed them away.

I especially pushed Calum away and I felt insanely bad about that. He was grieving too and I hadn't been trying to help him at all, I was a terrible fiancee. I had been so focused on my own grief that I hadn't even thought about how he was coping, he lost just as much as I did but I acted as if he hadn't lost anything.

<~>

"Genie! Hi sweetheart." My mother greets happily but as soon as her eyes meet mine her face turns to concern, no trace of happiness to be seen. Eventually I managed to pull myself away from Luke and give him a break, like I said there were plenty of people who would be there for me and I figured why not go to the person who has been there for me since the beginning.

I felt like the world's worst daughter when I thought about how I had treated my mother the last couple of months. I had been disgustingly rude and snappy to her when all she was trying to do was be there for me.

"Hi mum." I sniffle and a grave smile finds it's way to her lips as she holds out her arms to me which I gladly step in to. There was nothing more comforting in the world then being in the arms of your mother and it was the one place I really needed to be at the moment. No one else could ever provide the security that my mum could, The only person who could even come close was Calum but that was completely different.

"I'm sorry." I mutter as fresh tears begun to fall. I thought I was already cried out  but apparently not so much.

"You have nothing to be sorry for Genie." My mother coos instantly soothing me in only a way that mother's can. I had always hoped to give that my own child but now I didn't know if that would ever happen.

"Now, I think it's time for a long chat." My mother says and I can't help but let a small chuckle escape my lips.

"A chat that should of happened months ago." I say because it honestly should of. I shouldn't of shut down the way I did. I should of tried to deal with more then I did.

"We're having it now and that's all that matters."

"You're right." I smile pulling away from embrace only to sit down on the couch. "I don't even know where to start mum."

"Start wherever you want Genie, there's no right or wrong way to do this."

"Okay." I nod before exhaling. "I guess I'm just really angry at everything that I lost...I imagined what my life would be like with that baby and I fell in love with the idea and then it all jut got ripped away from me and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. All I could do was watch it all slip away and it honestly broke me mum, I never knew I wanted a baby that badly until I had it." I explain still trying to make sense of all of my emotions. "I'm confused too because I have no idea how to grieve for somebody that I never got to meet and it was a person that I loved so much." 

"And there's the total emptiness as well right?" Mum asks taking me by surprise. I didn't know how to even describe the how empty I felt. The loss to me was absolutely tremendous and  I didn't know how to handle it.

"Yea." I nod a small frown finding it's way to my face.

"Curious as to how I knew that? I would be surprised if you didn't." Mum smiles reaching for one of my hands. "Before you I had a pregnancy but I miscarried four months in. I really didn't think I would ever make it through, it's one of the hardest things to overcome but you can do it. I was lost for months and I really didn't see the point in anything anymore, I mean what was the point in even trying to build or do anything when it could just get taken away from you? I felt like that for a long time until I found out about you."

"What?" I look at her in disbelief. I had no idea that she had ever miscarried, I always just thought that she had Bobby and then me, end of story but I was wrong.

"You saved me." Mum smiles as her eyes begin to brim with tears. "As a parent you never want your children to go through the same battles as you and if I could of stopped that from happening to you then I would of and I'm sorry that you had to go through Genie, I really am."

"I know mum, I know." I didn't want her to feel bad. I understood where she was coming from because even while I was pregnant I wanted to protect bubs from anything and everything but unfortunately that's just not possible.

"I've been worried that we had lost you, I really thought we would never get you back but the fact that you're here talking to me....is just such a relief." Mum admits and I feel my stomach drop. If this was what my mother thought then what did everyone else? I never wanted my paint to cause pain for the people around me but I guess it had.

"I was lost but I'm on my way back."




A/N: Annnnnnd I'm officially back!!!! I don't even know how long I've been gone but I'm so happy to be back. My passion and love for writing has come back and I can't wait to continue this story and share the rest of Calum and Genie's journey with you all.

Thank you to all of you readers who have stuck with me till this day! It means so much and I truly love you all xx