Life's Second Chances

Eighteen

Striding up next to Sid, I order a straight-up Manhattan. Sipping on the cocktail, I slide into the stool next to him. "You look beautiful, Anuksha, as always," from his profile I see a bittersweet smile that shakes my insides upside-down.

"You should not be drinking so much, Sid. As a matter of fact, you shouldn't be drinking at all," cutting to the chase, I start my reprimand, gripping his glass and snatching it away from his reach.

"I know you're trying to keep me on track with my meds, but I'm going to die anyway, at least let me have what I enjoy while I'm still alive," it's when he shifts around in the seat that I notice the red bloodshot eyes, droopy eyelids and the slight slur in his voice.

"How long have you been drinking?" I ask examining his face.

"Uh," holding out his arm he squints at the nonexistent watch on his wrist "Since probably yesterday," he pouts out his bottom lip, trying to remember. Easily guiding him off the stool, I throw his arm around my shoulders, walking back to the hotel. Ranbir sees us walking back, and starts trotting up to us, worry etched into his turned down eyebrows and furious eyes.

"He's drunk," I whisper to Ranbir. It just occurred to me how he even pulled off walking to the bar in the first.

"I am capable of walking...by...myself," Sid's head dangles as his eyes barely stay opened to see where he's walking. Ranbir helps me take him back to his room to put him to bed.

Unbuttoning his sherwani, I push it off his shoulders letting it slide down his arms.  I help him out his pants and he lays down on the bed turning in a fetal position.

"I don't want to die, Anuksha. I wanted to be with you for the rest of my life, a long life," he slurs, holding onto my arm. "You're the only woman I ever truly loved," opening his bleary eyes, tears shimmer at the brims, rolling down his cheeks. "We were supposed to be married, and have kids, and a dog," tears pool in my eyes, seeing Sid so broken. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for ever coming back into your life," I choke out a hard sob that burns my throat.

Wrapping my arms around his head, I kiss his wet cheeks, shushing him. "Don't tell Anuksha, but I'm leaving and never coming back. She can't know it'll make her sad," softly kissing his forehead, I cradle his head in my arms, pressing it into my chest until his breathing evens out and he's fallen asleep.

I wash my face, taking off all my makeup, too distraught to even go back to the ceremony. I find bottles of water and store them on the nightstand for when Sid wakes up thirsty. Looking through his medication case, I see which one he'll need to take when he first wakes up and leave it next to the waters.

Tucking the duvet, just below his shoulder like he always has it, I don't hesitate to kiss him full on the mouth. He smiles in his sleep, mumbling a slurred incoherent version of my name. I don't want to leave him alone, so I step into the balcony, a swarm of thoughts scorching through my brain.

It's quieter up here. Sid's room is on the other side of the hotel with a great view of the surrounding hills and forest. A peacock's call screams through the silence as it rustles into a nearby tree hiding in the branches. Here, you can see stars and even the moon appears brighter close to its peak fullness.

My stomach presses into the preserved stone of the balcony's wall, the rough weathering of time indenting the soft flesh of my palms as I rub the stone, thinking. How do I make the right decision? There's no way I can watch Sidharth leave, quelling the fact that I will never see him again. But can I force my way into his life when he clearly doesn't want me in it? Can I truly bear the pain? I am losing him either way, it's just a matter of now or later.