Rapmon hadn't packed anything. He was just sitting numbly on the couch. She had wanted to leave tonight, but they could afford one more day. She led Suga upstairs and turned on the shower for him.
"Take a shower then get in bed." She directed. He nodded and began to strip. She dashed out and closed the door behind her. She walked out into the hall and searched for Suga's parents room. She found it fairly easily. It was a spacious room with a huge bed. It was a perfect room full of grandeur. She looked at the bureau. It was covered in jewelry and pictures. It must've been his mother's. She looked away quickly, and guiltily. She wasn't sure why. She turned on the shower and undressed. She carefully took off the gold necklace and set it on the sink counter. She didn't want it to rust. That was one thing she was going to keep perfect.
She ran her fingers through her hair, the water splashed around her. They had to leave. V was dead. They couldn't win. They didn't have high powered, military issue rifles. They didn't have hundreds upon hundreds of bloodthirsty mercenaries. They were 7 teenagers. 6 teenagers. They were also reckless, she needed to keep them safe. Had it always been like this? Had it always been this dire? Did she really deny it? Did she really think they could do anything? They should've been gone a long time ago. V would be alive and they would be happy. She was so dumb. The reality of it weighed down on her shoulders. She felt like Atlas. Holding up the sky. But it wasn't just her, it was all of them. But that didn't lessen the weight of the sky, their sky. She shut off the water and stepped out of the water. Her head hurt, and her vision was clouded by her thoughts. She wrapped a towel around herself, put on her necklace, and padded out into the luxurious bedroom. She snuck a peek at the mantle. There were pictures of Suga as a child. She stared at them for a moment longer. He looked so happy. It was amazing. Amazing how lives could be ruined by the most innocent, smallest things. A simple drive to the zoo, a small doctor's checkup, a lump of metal. Those little things turned a family into a mangled mess, a pink track suit to a black funeral dress, and life to death. She closed her eyes and looked away. She tried not to cry. When had everything gotten so screwed up? How had she missed it?
She slipped back into Suga's room. He was already laying on the bed. She dried off quickly and dressed silently. She wore what she usually did. His boxers and a t-shirt. The normalcy of it was comforting. She crawled into bed next to him. He immediately rolled over and pulled her into his chest. He entangled his fingers in her wet hair and pressed her into him.
"If I had been 30 seconds earlier." He choked. She clenched her teeth and squeezed her eyes shut.
"Just 30 seconds. If I had run faster." He continued somberly. She wrapped her arms around his neck, grabbing the fabric of his shirt and clenching it in her fists.
"If I had walked faster. If I hadn't hesitated." He sobbed. Tears ran freely from her eyes. She had no control over them. She had no control over anything these days.
"It's not your fault." She breathed, her voice hoarse.
"No. But I could've...I could've saved him." Suga whispered.
"Don't blame yourself." She murmured, it's my fault.
"I can't not blame myself. It's just so natural. To think that we had any control over it, that we could've stopped it. It's instinct. I want him back." Suga wailed. She sobbed into his chest. What could she say? She blamed herself too. Like he said, how could she not? She didn't want to think about it. About V's glazed eyes. His cold skin. His limp body. She let her sons overtake her body and her mind. Let her tears wash away the pain. Finally when she ran out of tears and she was too tired to sob, she wondered why it had to hurt so much. She was a tiny speck in the universe. What did she matter? What did this matter? How could the universe be against her when they're were trillions of other things to worry about? How could the world crumble around her when there were billions of other people around her. It was her world that was crumbling around her. And the only person left to hold up the rubble around her was Suga.
And he was wavering too.
