rants, opinions, and bs

talking about my dad.

i don't exactly relish in writing about this, but i need to get this off my chest because it's been bothering me for a while.

i haven't seen my dad in seven years. that's right; seven years. i haven't been back to england in seven years. my dad hasn't been to america in 11

since i left for this country, ive seen my dad twice.

and i have no problem when people ask me to explain why he's not here, or what it's like living without a father figure. there's nothing wrong with a little curiosity. and i always tell them the same thing: i don't feel like im missing anything, because he was never really there. and people either tell me it sounds reasonable, or think im putting up a facade to hide the truth. im not. i truly don't feel a gap. it's been me and my mom since I turned 9 months old.

the only thing that bothers me: is when people are rude, or make assumptions about my father.

once ive told them my situation, some people have asked me things like, "well if he cared about you, why wouldn't he come with you?", or "that sucks. i wish things didn't go that way for you." how dare you say my father doesn't care about me. you don't know me. you don't know anything about me, my life at home, or my dad.

my father did not abandon me. we did not leave england to "escape" him. nothing lasts forever. there were thousands of reasons for me and my mom to go back to america, and thousands of reasons for my dad to stay in the uk. it wasn't something that was easy either. it's not like my mom bid him goodbye and we were on a plane back home.

saying he doesn't care is the single most hurtful thing people have said to me regarding my father. he has a life too, and his life is in england. he does exist. he's my dad, and i can't pretend like he's just not there at all. often times, people ask if we've stayed in touch, and that doesn't bother me at all. and the answer to that is yes, we've been talking about once every other week for almost a year now.

more things people have brought up are "are you close?", "when will you see him next?" are we close? not particularly. it's hard to be close with someone you haven't seen in half your lifespan. but just because we're not close, doesn't mean he doesn't try. my dad tries so fucking hard to show me he does care about me, even though he's never here. sure he's clueless when it comes to parenting. hell, he's sent me yoga books and tarot cards for christmas. the hell is a 14 year old girl gonna do with that? but it means so, so much to me, knowing that he's out there and that he hasn't forgotten about me completely.

also, i do have the right to not answer a question if it makes me uncomfortable. i don't have to talk about my dad if i don't want to.

sure, im used to living without a dad, but it doesn't mean it's easy. it's probably hard to see how only having one parent is tough, but it's really difficult to explain to someone who's not in that kind of situation.

we left england when i was 9 months old. the next time i saw my dad was just over a year later, for my second birthday. and i didn't even know who that man who'd travelled 5000 miles to see me was. he was a complete stranger in my eyes. after that, i wouldn't see him for another four years. our lines of communication seemed permanently shut down. during those few years, i used to spend a lot of time with my cousin, and we'd always wish on the stars together. she'd usually wish for a dog or the new barbie house, but id just wish for my dad to come home. (i swear i didn't make that up for dramatic purposes) the next time i saw him, we went to england. i only got to spend a day or two with him, and he's really not that great with children so it wasn't exactly a bonding experience. and so after that, it took him another few years before he decided to reach out. we emailed only a few times a year for a few months, and last year, we started talking over the phone. it's easier now than it would've been when i was younger. i don't know what he'd talk about with a 10 year old. now im mature enough to hold a conversation with him, but it doesn't mean now i miraculously have a dad.

oftentimes i see things that make me wish i had a father figure in my life, or something that sends me a reality check. just today, i received a text message from a friend asking if my "parents" had received an email from him. and then reality hit me right in the face. i don't have parents like everyone else does. and it stings like a bitch. it hurts seeing your average family with two parents and a kid or two, because i know i can never have that. i can't be like almost everyone else, and even though it doesn't feel like it, there is something missing in my life. yes, i have a biological father and he actually exists, but it's not the same as being my dad. he isn't here, and he never will be, and that's just the way it is.

other people don't have to understand. you don't have the understand. but you do need to respect me. once again, i have no problem with explaining why we left england or answering questions about my father, but i don't need to be asked disrespectful questions, or told that my father mustn't care about me. this has nothing to do with anyone else but me, and my family. my problems are mine, exclusively.

im sorry for rambling, but i had to get this out of my system. it's been in for a damn long time. next chapter will be my rowyso experience.

have a good night/day, whatever the shit it is by you. bye xx