My Double Life

Chapter 16

                                        ^.^.^. Chapter 16 ^.^.^.

           "I'm just stuck between my fantasy and what is real."- Unknown

 

        It’s been a week since Nick had found out. And just like I expected he ignored me, he didn’t answer my calls, nothing on Facebook, he didn’t answer my texts or emails, and he especially didn’t talk to me on iPage. I didn’t even dare to message him on there. I would at least think he’d message me telling me to leave him along or never talk to him, but I didn’t even get that message from him.

        Natalie was the first person I told. Never even an hour had passed that day before I called her. I told her everything. She was supportive as one can be, and I was glad she was there. She heard me out, I explained everything, I thought for a moment that I’d lose her too because of the person I turned out to be, but she stayed. She said she understood, but I didn’t expect her to, hell I wouldn’t expect anyone to! She gave me the best advice she could which was to leave Nick and to give him space.

        Tell me to give Nick space was asking me to run twelve miles in the blazing humid summer, or the coldest snowy winter. It was impossible, I could barely do it. The most I last was a day without any texts or call- no communication. Then, the next day happened.

        Wednesday was a half day for us and I spent all of the night trying to find out what I’d say to him. I had a whole two way conversation in my head, things I would say and things he’d say back. All he’d need to do would be to hear me out, that’s all. I didn’t deserve to be heard out, what I did to him… I would never forgive him if that was me because it’s so wrong. So, so wrong. And if I could, I would go back in time and change everything. Nick was so truthful to me, and in return I wasn’t honest, I hated every part of that.

        So on Wednesday, after I got out of school early, I had spent most of my time sitting on the stone bench outside the school and some minutes across the street at the gas station convenient store. I waited three hours in the same spot on the hard, polished, stone bench. Every minute, every hour that passed, I got more nervous. I knew he didn’t want to see me, and I felt humiliated to show my face after everything, but I just wanted him to know that I was sorry. I didn’t care if he forgave me or not, I knew he wouldn’t, but I just wanted to say it for myself. Not to stop the grief- well partly even though it’d never go away- but just to know that I tried.

        When one student came out followed by others I knew that meant the bell had ringed and students were dismissed. I took a deep breath and swallowed the bile in my throat, and watched the doors. They opened and closed, girls and guys came out together, friends laughed walking out waiting for their bus, everyone came out but one. People passed me looking at me oddly just sitting there, alone, new, strange and probably questionable. But my eyes were kept on the door and my breath caught in my throat when I saw him pop from the crowd of people.

        His blue faded hoodie really stood out, and his blue eyes were dark and noticeable. I caught myself just staring, and I thought about just staying here, not moving but just watching. He was surrounded by his friends, he grinned at things they said, and he never looked my way. He was almost out of sight,turningaway from all the buses that were parking to pick up students; he was heading to the student parking lot I assumed.

        I got up with my things and walked quickly behind him but leaving some space. He took his keys out of his faded jeans pocket, swinging it around his middle finger. I saw his car in the middle of the parking lot where he was headed. A lot of students were swarming around getting to their cars and such, occasionally I got a funny look; like the new kid look.