Tempting thoughts have invaded my mind so many times, it has been difficult to keep two feet planted on the ground. Trying to push away the negativity is nearly impossible at this point when it has overcome and ruled my life over the past two weeks. My world has recently revolved around hostility, and it is everywhere for me. If someone says they hate my hair, I try more than anything to style it differently to others liking.
Routines have outlined most my days, normally between waking up around three in the afternoon and rushing out to the kitchen to gulp down my prescription antidepressants before running back to my room without being seen. Eating is near impossible for me and I hate doing this to myself since I'm a relatively healthy human, but every time my eyes lay on anything edible it makes me want to dry heave.
People have tried communicating with me, especially Connor and Jc, but the only thing I have been good at is pushing them away. Invites to photo shoots, dinners or simply just the living room to talk have been more common in the past few days then any other.
"Hey dude, we're going out for a bit, you coming?" Jc asked softly from the doorway of my room. My head pounded from overthinking everything in my life and I honestly wanted to be left alone, which hasn't been the first time for me this week.
"I'm not going." I muttered after shoving one of Ryley's pillows over my face, hoping to be invisible to any human beings. The scent of her engulfed my nose only leaving me with tears in which brimmed my eyes in an instant.
"You haven't left your room since we've gotten home, Kian we're all worried." He cooed before the mattress sank close to me and the pillow was torn from my grasp. My immediate reaction was throwing the comforter over my body further and act like a fish out of water, but of course that was so rudely taken away from me also.
"Go be worried somewhere else, preferably away from my sight." I hissed, sitting up from the fetal position in order to stare Jc directly in the eye. I couldn't quite read him as well as I use to, maybe it's a skill that has faded from isolation of the human race.
"Kian, we're all here for you. That may be hard to believe, but it is true and no one likes seeing you cooped up like this, especially your lawley pops. Everyone is worried, you have always cared about your health Kian, now you're letting that all go down the drain. Ryley wouldn't want this."
The sound of her name pulled me away from my mopey attitude, "Don't you dare bring her into this, not now and not ever." I snapped, standing up from my bed and heaving the first shirt I saw onto my body before grabbing my keys off my nightstand.
"Where're you going?" Jc interrogated, chasing after me like his life depended on it.
I spun around to face him, "Quit following me, stop acting like you care when I know you don't! God Jc, do you even understand what I'm going through? The person I'm in love with is in a fucking coma and all you have done for the past few weeks is party and continue on with your life like she never mattered to you! That is so damn selfish and I cannot even look at you without feeling absolute disgust, how do you even look at yourself in the mirror?!" I spluttered, slipping on my vans and jogging out to my car.
"God damn... Fuck this, fuck him." I mumbled, slamming my fists on the steering wheel repeatedly before banging my head against the driver side window, "I need to get out of here, get away from this even if it's just for a little bit."
Once starting the car, I backed out of the driveway, away from the home I've known for the longest time, continuing to drive with no music playing to silence my thoughts. Mile after mile, minute after minute yet nothing was getting my mind off the pulsing rage I felt. Only hours had passed before finally deciding the outcome of my road trip's ending. I pulled over onto the side of the road, took the keys out of the ignition and threw them at the console formerly getting out of the car and climbing on top of the giant cliff awaiting my existence.
"God, imagine how much hatred she was feeling toward herself in order to feel the need to shred and hurt her own skin. That's sickening, and I sat there practically watching. I could have prevented everything, but I didn't see any of that coming." I whispered to myself, vigorously shaking my head. I hugged my knees to my chest, digging my head into the barrier they withheld before breaking down into the most hideous sobs one could ever hear.
"W-What is w-wrong with m-me?" I wailed helplessly. The image of her smile and the way her eyes brightened when she was talking so passionately about the things she loved, along with the crinkling skin bordering her lower lash line every single time her soft lips curled up into an insanely gracious grin which flashed inside my mind causing me to erupt into louder whimpers.
Courage has fled from my body and I haven't been able to be brave enough to walk into the hospital with my head held high, looking into the dull eyelids of my stunningly alluring best friend. She constantly looks so lifeless, all the emotions have been sucked out of her with a vacuum. There is no more of her twinkling eyes or bashful cuddling sessions in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep and she became freezing to the point where covers weren't enough.
The only antidepressant I need is Ryley, but hope is slowly fading away along with my last chance to be happy for awhile.
YOU ARE READING
That Broken Boy |♔| Kian Lawley
Fanfictionit's in that moment you realize that all you hoped and prayed for might never come to be. depression sets in and you wonder if you were delusional, what did you do wrong, were you the one that caused her all that pain? --- accomplishments: •#1 in ki...
