believe

20. again

I couldn't get the image of my abuser out of my head. Now I'd clearly seen his face, I was even more terrified. I knew what he looked like, but I still didn't know his name.

So, due to the stress, I'd started regressing to my old coping strategies; cutting, burning myself, eating less (or not eating at all), not sleeping. It was scary. But it was the same old story, all over again.

Beca had started to pick up on it too. "Are you alright darling? I haven't seen you eat in a while."

I nodded slowly. "I'm fine. I'm just a bit stressed."

"And you've been wearing long sleeves and long pants. Again. Please don't tell me you've been..?"

I nodded again, looking down as a single tear fell from my eye and landed on my lap. Beca put her hand on my shoulder and gently rubbed it.

"It's okay. I'm here for you, baby. I want you to be happy. Is there anything in particular you want to talk about? Like, what's stressing you out the most?"

"Seeing...him." I mumbled. Beca's eyes widened slightly, but she nodded and squeezed my shoulder reassuringly. "I get that. It's probably terrifying, knowing what he did to you and knowing he's still out there somewhere."

I nodded in agreement before collapsing into her arms and sobbing. She rubbed my back gently and rocked me back and forth, promising me everything will be okay in the end.

"Chloe, I know you're not feeling great right now, but you still need to eat. And I'm hiding the razors again, and all the other sharp objects."

"I'll find another way to hurt myself. I always do."

"Please, don't do this."

"Beca, you have to understand that it makes me feel better."

"There are other ways!"

"Like what? The only two ways you know are smoking and drinking."

"Painting, drawing, watching movies, getting a tattoo or a piercing-"

"Tattoos and piercings only make you feel better, Bec. I hate the pain of tattoos. Getting the matching tattoo with you was hard enough."

"Then what about walking Charlie? Or literally anything else. Flick your bobble against your wrist or something."

"That doesn't fill the void."

"Well, there has to be something to help."

"There isn't. Do you seriously think I wouldn't have tried every trick in the book by now?"

"I guess.."

Beca hugged me tighter and kissed my forehead. "I just want to find another way to stop you from hurting yourself." She muttered. I felt a tear fall onto my face, but it wasn't from me. It was Beca's. "It kills me to see you so desperate to be in pain. It's horrible. I can't stand it, especially when you hit rock bottom and I can't stop you from going too far. I can't lose you, because if I lose you then I lose my whole world. I depend on you, not our kids, not Charlie, not music, not Monster Energy. You. It's always been you. You're my best friend and the only person I love more than music. Honestly, if someone said to me 'do you love me more than Chloe' I'd have to reply with 'know your limits'. Everyone knows their place next to you: you always come first, no matter the situation. And I can't sit here and wait for you to get better, I have to act now to save you. You deserve a better life, and you deserve to meet your children and see them growing up. So, please, don't do this to yourself again. It's literally torture."