The Traitor { Villain Deku AU }

Six Years Later

What a wild notification to be getting huh!

If I'm assuming correctly, all of you were middle schoolers like me 4-6 years ago, saw this, read it, logged it on your wattpad and then forgot about it. Now getting this notification, you get war flashbacks.

I was 14 when I wrote this, I'm 20 now. I'm in college getting a bachelors, I have two jobs, a lease, rent, etc. And it's crazy to think of how different of a person I am now. I was at a party recently and someone had brought up a fanfiction they read back in the day and it got me thinking about all of this and prompted me to dig for my login information and send out this small little message. i.e a rambling long one.

One day you're fourteen and the next you're twenty. It's crazy to look at this and see the progression in my writing style and quality (or lack there of) especially since I'm now going into a creative field. The differences between the first chapter to the latest chapter of the sequel to this story (unfinished, my bad) is astronomical. I wonder what it all would look like compared to something I've written now? Or will write in fifty years?

I'm not going to come back to these stories, I haven't watched the show in ages and frankly I kind of want to leave these untouched as a little time capsule of myself. Besides, I'd have to scrap it all and start over to fix the plot holes I left behind.  When I wrote this I was living in a hyper conservative household and coping with the coldness that came with that, battling mental illness I didn't know the name of, and fighting with my own feelings of queerness.

This was an outlet for me, and I was received with an absolute shocking amount of kindness, and still am, some of these comments and notifications are quite recent. This is baffling as cringey children on the internet are rarely afforded that level of patience or kindness. And so thank you all for being so wonderful. As an adult I can look back and know that this is not a literary masterpiece, but it was fundamental practice. And if I had never gotten this practice, I'd be way behind in my skill level. 

In the chance you are a middle schooler or high schooler now and reading this I want you to know a few things. It gets better, for one. yeah yeah you've heard it a million times whatever. Please for the love of god listen to me when I say you're life will constantly be changing and absolutely nothing you know or think is permanent will be the same in a year, or even a few months. That is terrifying, but also the absolute best thing in the world. I often tell my little cousin the scariest and hardest thing you can ever do is grow up, once you've done that you can do anything. It's grueling, and unglamorous, and stressful, and depressing and hurtful and wonderfully temporary and beautiful, everyone does it. Life is so much bigger than your room in your parents house or the halls of your school or the city limits of your town. Oh my god, is it bigger. You will be okay. Even if you aren't right this second. I was constantly on the edge when I was younger, in the absolute trenches of self hatred and clouds of sadness but now I can pretty confidently say: I am happy. I still have bad days, yes, sometimes absolutely terrible, but I can't imagine ever wanting to miss another sunset anymore. My trauma still follows me, it's not gone, but it feels less like a cancer that's on the verge of winning and more like a bruise that I occasionally smack against a table. 

Secondly, please write. I keep calling past self cringey and respectfully, this is true. But no where near an insult. The cringiest motherfuckers in middle school are the absolutely coolest people now and that has been true for everyone I've ever met. That punk rocker at the diy venue? Yeah dude, he was into my little pony for a little bit too long. When the options are write something bad and cringey and awkward versus writing nothing at all, write something. Add to the world, it's human nature to create. Do not hold yourself back from your own humanity. 

This is a long post, and I'm sorry for the jump scare, I just was hit with a wave of nostalgia and needed to thank my roots. Again, thanks for welcoming a terrified child into the world of creativity with such open arms. Maybe if I ever win an award I'll finally publicly claim this fiction as my own in my real life, until then, "I had a semi successful fan fiction in middle school" will be my icebreakers at parties, and I will vehemently deny anyones pleas to tell them what it was. I probably won't be posting on this account, but Ill periodically check the messages. I still want to keep some distance, not really out of shame rather just trying to maintain my anonymity incase my optimism for positivity for this fic is wrong and some angry person tries to be weird online.

I will be copying and pasting this message to both stories I've published so that more people have the chance to be thanked.

Anyway, thank you all, much love. <3