The Egyptian Enigma Reader x Countryhuman book

Dreams and guilt

At home, or whatever you could call a ramshackle wooden hut made from nailed-together planks in the middle of a forest that wasn't quite rainforest, and wasn't quite pine forest. CN's island was in that odd area in between, really moist summers and not so cold winters. After the last civil war had taken out her mom, CN never quite got the house the way it used to be. 

She sat down  on a dissapointing chair that was also her bed, also her table and really the only lifted surface in the room. Laying back, she closed her eyes and slept.

—-this is CN's dream——-

"I hate you, you ruined everything, every twig and brick and piece of paper, you did it all wrong, you deserve to die!" "It's not like you will run it much better.......fine , I know my life has come to an end, kill me! I dare you, kill me. Take all the fame and run the country, the 'right way'." Mother screamed, the truth is, I don't want to kill her, I dont want to kill the person which I grew up with, the only other person I knew, aside from capital. 

Do I really want to do this? Think carefully... WHAT OTHER CHOICE DO I HAVE?! I HAVE TO KILL HER, FOR THE SAKE OF THE COUNTRY, FOR THE SAKE OF THE PEOPLE LIVING IN IT IN THE OTHER WORLD, I HAVE TO, AND I KNOW THAT.... But the choice seemed a lot harder with your opponent at the surrender, but looking anything like defeated.

I can't dawdle any longer, capital will come back soon, she knows tensions are high with me and mom, but when she comes back from work from the capital island, she'll see all this. 

And so, without further ado, I plunged the dagger into mother's throat.

Shank, and she was gone.

I had kill3d my mother, 

The only person that raised me

The only person that didn't look at me the way other people did 

This is all my fault

But I had to do it

It was for the people

I realized her ways were wrong and I needed to stop her

For capital,

For the people,

For the rest of the world,

And most of all,

For me....

——end of dream——-

CN woke up from the same nightmare, the same dream she has had for years now. She always blames her own disloyal hands as the one that had killed her own mom, but there was still part of her that thought she had done the right thing...

It was the middle of the night, capital wasn't here, sleeping on the island capital, probably more peaceful than whatever I've had tonight.... after all, I had told Capital that her mother had died peacefully in her dreams, instead of murder. I don't even know how a country could die in it's sleep, but capital was young and she was sad for mothers death as well so she never really thought about it.

she walked through the forest, through the familiar trail that brought back too many sad memories, as well as good ones. she came out to the beach, the crisp air nipping at her neck and arms, the peaceful lapping of the waves, the calm twinkle of the stars above.

Sitting on the beach facing west, looking at the few stars that were visible with all the light coming from Capital. Tears began rolling down CN's face, and an old memory drifted in again....

"Mummy, look at that constellation! It's so pretty, and it looks a bit like your face!" Tiny CN, not yet full grown, with a higher voice and more innocent face. "Shut up, stupid, you know they're just stars and they're massive up close, and that looks nothing like me. Will you leave me alone I'm doing work." Mother snapped back. Tiny CN's face seemed to dim a little, but she looked up anyways. "And those stars look like us together, and those stars look like capital, and those stars look like-"

Slap-CN stumbled and fell into the ice cold seawater, and she cried, tears falling off her tiny face. Mother's sharp nails nicked a scar on her face, a scar that she didn't know would stay with her for the rest of her life.

"Ugh will you stop that, your crying sounds like pigs dying and it wasn't that painful anyways. Get up, I've had enough of this nonsense, we're going home." Mother stood up abruptly, pulling CN up with her. "No wait! I,I, I want to stay for longer! You promised we could sleep here on the beach!" CN wailed and flapped around in mother's grasp. "Only if you were QUIET AND OBEDIENT, IN WHICH CASE, YOU DID NONE OF THAT! Fine, if you're certain to stay, you can stay here yourself!" She grabbed her things, and left CN still crying on the beach.

A long time later...

Sniff, sniff, sniff. I, I just want mommy t,to love me... why does she always have to be so mean to me, and capital. Shes horrible to capital..... standing up, CN headed to the direction where she thought her mother had disappeared in. Palm trees and other tropical plants and ferns brushed against her as she tried to find her way home in near total darkness. It was even darker than the beach, with no moonlight or starlight, just branches, leaves, and the canopy above.

She had only found the trail the next day, when the sun came out, but her mother had looked more disgusted than ever to see her come back. Her disappointed face looked down at capital and CN everyday, until the day CN was old enough to kill their mother.

CN wiped away her tears, and stood up. She learned, on that day of her memory, that tears don't solve problems, at least with her mother. 

she walked back to her ramshackle hut, sad, and disappointed, torn apart, didn't know if she did the right or wrong thing, just that she already missed Capital's happy easygoing smile. Every night was like this, insomnia, because of all the things she did, and guilt, but guilty at feeling guilt. Knowing logically she did the right thing, but emotionally, she never healed.

finally, after another hour of tossing and turning around, CN fell asleep for real, no evil nightmares, at least just for now.