𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗻𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁𝘀 𝗶 𝘄𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝗴𝗶𝘃𝗲

secrets & all

It is pitch black outside when Lukas gets back to our hotel room. I hear the thud of his footsteps as he creeps in attempting quietness. I guess he didn't want to wake me, but I couldn't sleep anyway. I was staring out of the huge moonlit window that brings light into the room for hours, with only my thoughts to occupy me.

The alarm clock has 2:37 in big, bold, red numbers, and I switch my vision away from it, and tense up when I feel him slide into bed with me. I think I feel all the secrets and darkness that surrounds him as he wraps a muscled arm around my waist and pulls me closer to his front.

My breath catches even though I try my hardest to remain quiet. I don't want him to know I'm awake, but of course he recognizes the change in my breathing pattern. "Thought you'd be asleep by now" he whispers, his mouth hovering over my ear.

He slides his jaw between the crevice of my neck, and I try to hide the nervousness in my tone when I respond, but my voice comes out shaky nonetheless, "I was." the lie sputters out quickly, catching me off guard. If I keep my responses short than we don't have to talk, and I don't have to let him know that I know his secret, or that I think I know who he might be.

There is something within me that hopes I haven't fallen for a man that might be in a hidden mafia, but an even tinier part of me is drawn to it. The scary part about it all is that the tiny part grows when I'm around him, when I see how soft he becomes around me. How can a man like him be apart of something like that?

"Doesn't sound like you just woke up." he responds with a hint of inquisitiveness. I let the sound of the air condition fill in the gaps of the conversation between us. Lukas pulls me tighter to his chest, and kisses my cheek, "I'm sorry I woke you up, Sweetheart." Butterflies erupt in my stomach at the sweetness of his apology. I turn around in the bed then and face him.

His electric blue eyes settle on mine looking confused. I look at him, actually look at him. I search for the traces of the man that I knew before, I search for the secrets, and finally I search for the truth.

Everything I need to know is there, the good, the bad, and the ugly. From the way that his eyes crinkle at the corners when he gives me a soft half-smile, to the way that his eyes hold an edge of darkness within them. He cares for me, even with his secrets.

I try to hold onto that glimmer of hope before the night dims it, before it is all gone.

----

The days after what I saw last week at Lukas' hotel blend together like sludge. I try to pick them apart and put them back together again, but it's impossible. I find myself yearning for someone from my past and I want to kick myself for it.

Dad always knew how to make my sad situations feel a little less hopeless. He just had this thing about him that made me feel grounded where there was no ground at all. Despite everything in me that hates to miss him because of how he left me when I needed him most, that small yearning for him doesn't fade.

Lukas doesn't show up to the office today, and I am relieved. I don't want to see him, but I still miss him. Especially when I find a bouquet of pink tulips on my desk with a note that reads: Beautiful flowers for a beautiful woman.  I'll miss you today, Sweetheart.

My heart flutters as I pluck the note out of the bouquet and place it on the crevice of a picture I have of Hannah and I on my desk. Who knew this man could be so damn romantic? It's not helping the crisis I'm going through any, and I sigh as I lift the flowers and sniff them, the fresh aroma hits me, and I feel lighter as I place the flowers on the corner of my desk and take my seat.