Tell Me Without Telling Me || Sope

Forty

June slips into July with all the peace and serenity of a summer described within the pages of a book. Hoseok spends the last two weeks of that month floating from place to place, from obligation to obligation, following their daily routine while his mind and body recuperate from everything that's happened.

It's easier said than done, his newfound resolution to give himself time, to not focus on healing faster than is humanly possible. In fact, until July begins he isn't entirely sure he's actually made up his mind to do that. Yoongi's speech had hit the nail on the head. He does feel bad for feeling bad, for not being able to feel better, for wanting to give himself time, for everything. Taking his mind off of any of his problems, telling himself he doesn't need to think of the millions of ways he could have tried touching the others today... it's near impossible. As is not thinking of every opportunity he could have mentioned his lies, his past, his loneliness.

In just one day he counts a hundred moments where he could pass off a touch as a mistaken brush of elbows. Handing Namjoon a flower pot to let their fingers touch, not moving quite out of Jimin's way so their shoulders bump, not being so careful when Yoongi asks for help with putting on a particularly tricky necklace. The list is endless and he catches himself in the middle of an angry whirl of thoughts before he can even remember he's taking it easy. He isn't going to worry about that. He's letting himself breathe for awhile, resting his wounds instead of overexerting himself. Be kind to yourself, he thinks again and again and again.

Yoongi has lunch with him every day, checking in gently here and there to see how he's doing. In the evenings Hoseok sits on the kitchen counter, mixing sesame oil into rice, smoking when Yoongi offers to share, measuring out spices and sometimes reading aloud while Yoongi cooks. He gets no calls from either Jungkook or Seokjin, and that wouldn't be so unusual if it weren't for Seokjin's agreement that they should call more often. Not that two weeks is a long time, not really... but he finds himself noticing the absence more acutely.

He doesn't engage much in conversation during any meal he eats with the others. Some mornings he wakes before everyone even though he's gone to bed late the night before, and rather than wait to have breakfast with them, he eats and leave for work early.

He falls asleep twice during dinner, leaning against the side of the couch, and has to be prodded awake and told to go to bed. His body feels heavy and his head feels sluggish, but there's nothing wrong with him physically. He stays in bed on the weekends. Staying in bed makes it easier to he kinder to himself about not touching anyone. He finishes his summer reading and sets about writing the essay his professor instructed the class to write.

He tries not to dwell on the memory of Seokjin's frantic sobs, the sounds almost as haunting as Jimin's face that night in the kitchen. He tries not to think too hard about the conversation he'd overheard between Jungkook and Jimin, Jungkook's use of ambiguous pronouns whenever he talks about Minseo. He tries not to think about Seokjin's gay comments and how they might have influenced Jungkook if... if... the idea seems so absurd, but equally it makes such a world of sense that Hoseok can't believe he's never considered it before. Jungkook had asked to kiss him. Sure, Hoseok had said yes, but Jungkook had been the one initiating. And just look at whatever's going on with Hoseok right now—it can hardly be called heterosexual.

He takes long showers for no real reason at all. At work he stacks shelves and serves customers, having to use an extraordinary amount of will power to stay focused.

Intermittently, whenever he sees Taehyung and Jimin together, he gets nervous that Jimin will turn to him and reveal he knows the only reason Taehyung is spending more time with him now is because of Hoseok. But that doesn't happen and Jimin only turns to him to make lewd jokes, or to offer him whatever food he's snacking on at the time. He invites Hoseok to study with him and Tae, but Hoseok declines because they won't get any studying done--a statement Jimin opposes by rolling dramatically off the couch to proclaim his heartbreak from the living room carpet.