Twisted Love

twenty-one

I DIDN'T stand for another second when I realised Paris was about to follow me. I pretended as if I didn't feel any kind of lurid inkling from her. I need to stay strong and confident. The past's trauma built me like this. It's hard for me to demonstrate my sentiments through words. As a kid, I never had the chance to talk to someone about my emotions. My quenched words were never uttered.

The fear of being humiliated and being wrong always prevailed on me like a casted spell. Though a lot of time has I lost my cool. I was forced to bend on my knees in front of my fear and demons that eat me in an excruciating way. Sometimes I never get nervous. Not even when a storm would take outside or when I almost got robbed by someone on the street.

But sometimes, small small things would wound me like a sword penetrating through my heart, apparently the issue might not even be worth a dog's attention.

See, I am that confusing shit.

That's what is happening now.

I was nervous when I shouldn't be.

I pulled myself together the hard way. It took me a long time to shape my current self.

I know, Paris didn't like our honey-butter behaviour. I saw her eyes. The anger, pain and an unknown fire of something that I couldn't construe. She still has feelings for Alex. And why wouldn't she. They have been together for a long time. Alex might haven't given her what she wanted but she was there with her own dreams and love for him.

In a few days things don't change that way.

Falling in love with someone is easy but the next chapters are way more painful if the second person isn't in love with them.

The same thing happened to Paris.

She still loves him.

I quickly entered the washroom and locked myself in a stall. I sat down on the comet lid, breathing heavily.

I can't act sensitively just because a woman gave me a detested look.

I can't get weak over a trivial event.

"It's ok. Even if you hate Alex but he is the only person who is with you now. It's ok. There is nothing to be nervous about." I shamelessly commenced coaxing myself.

Flashes of the moments, Alex and I shared a few minutes ago slammed on me like a hard wall. The kiss, him calling me babe and those exquisite and enthralling green eyes drilling through me, it all felt like a haze of lies. It sank on my skin unforgivably, spinning my head. Even though it was all just an act, nevertheless I liked it and I pretended it was real for a brief moment.

Because no one ever looked at me the way he does.

No one drove me crazy the way his touches do.

No one ravaged my soul the way he does.

A starved person would eat anything.

The line echoed inside my head, reminding me I should not eat whatever I get. I'd rather die of hunger than live in illusion.

But.

I want to live in illusion, even for a small moment.

I took a deep breath, getting ready for an ensuing collision with Paris, who might have reached here by now. I ran my hands on the crimson dress while thinking Alex does have a good test. A small smile creeped on my lips when I thought of him.

The sound of the heel clicking on the ground wiped the smile from my face. I slowly stood on my feet and walked out from the stall only to find Paris fixing her lipstick.