Truth or Dare

Nightmares, comforts, Voicemails and chocolate chip pancakes

                                                                                                                          Lydia

Boston for the summer was suppose to help me figure things out. I thought that maybe just getting away and thinking about stuff might be good for me. It would give me a chance to leave what had happened the past six months behind. Be somewhere where I could walk around and not be stared at, no one would pity me or mutter poor girl when they thought I had walked out of hearing range. It would give me a chance to start over, if only for a little while. I could give myself a chance to just live, to just be with Wes, maybe give us a chance.

It was going good. Wes and his sister were welcoming and had no problem with me staying with them. Sarah was so chill about the whole thing, she seemed chill in general. I knew Wes was happy. After all his only friend was sleeping under the same roof as him. I was happy to. My thoughts kept wandering back to the day we kissed in my doorway. His letter was in my suitcase, I brought it with me most places. Falling asleep, I was optimistic that I was finally in a place where I could stop worrying about everything and just, be.

But the nightmares still followed when I closed my eyes to fall asleep. The fears I carried with me back home clung to me here. Was I really that surprised? No, I had known in the back of my mind that this would happen. But I had let myself believe I could escape everything just by getting on a plane and going somewhere else.

I had really hoped it be that easy.

No, it wasn’t that easy. I got off the plane with more emotional baggage then literal. I carried it with me in the bus ride and the two block walk to Wes's house. It wouldn’t go away, just get heavier and heavier. And now here it was, pressing against my chest like I couldn’t breathe.

"Lydia?" I heard the door creak open and Wes look in. Out of habit I jumped to turn my back toward the door to pretend I was asleep. "Lyd, you awake?"

"Yeah," I muttered, rolling over to face him. "What's up?"

"Nothing, just checking in on you. You always said you had trouble sleeping." I smiled at him remembering the one time I told him I woke up during the night a lot. That had been months ago, but he still remembered. The level of caring he had for me never ceased to amaze me.

"Thanks. I should be able to sleep. I had been for a little before I woke up."

"Nightmares?"

"You could call them that." What do you call the bad dreams that continue even when you're awake? Nightmares just seemed to fit the best. "But I'm fine, really."

"Lydia, I want to help you. But I can't if you don't talk to me about it."

"Wes, please can we just not talk about it? Please, not now."

"Then when Lydia? Because I think it might help if we talked about it." I turned back over to face away from him. I didn’t want to see his face when he kept pressing the issue. Mostly I didn’t want him to see the tears falling silently from my eyes.

"No, it won't. I'm fine," I had become so good at not letting my voice shake and others know I was crying that I almost believed it myself. Maybe I would have if I couldn’t feel the hot tears stream down my face. Hoping he'd accept the lie, I was slightly disappointed when I felt the mattress sink under the weight as he sat down by my feet.

"Lydia, you don't always have to be the tough loner. It's okay to fall apart."

"You don't think I haven't fallen apart yet?" I sat up and looked at him. "I've been falling apart for a long time. And no one notices. They all think I'm fine. So I have to be fine for them or else they'll worry."