Declan Hankinston is on a mission to find a new prom date amidst the pain of his first heartbreak. Encouraged by his cousin Aubrey, he ventures into the world of gay online dating and signs up for Grindr to seek a companion. Little does he know, Aub...
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"I'm sorry I made you do those things."
"You didn't make me do anything. I could've said no and I didn't. Truthfully, I needed it. I don't know if I've ever felt more alive until I did all of those things."
"Huh?"
"I mean, let's be real for a sec. If our relationship was a candle, we were at the very last bit before the wick gave out. I loved you, I still do. Just not in the same way. We were good for each other once, but I think along the way, we both changed and that's okay. People change and things don't stay the same forever."
"Andddddd now you're gay," I swear I only say this to lighten the mood.
"Correction: I'm a bisexual demiromantic"
I keep my mouth shut at the risk of sounding ignorant or uneducated. A small part of me wants to laugh at his new discovery but also, it's quite rewarding to feel like I was able to give him some sense of self-identity. He's always struggled so much with it—and I say this in the nicest way possible—it's a wonder how he got through life before he met me.
"Would it be rude if I asked what that means?"
John chuckles and hurries his face in his hands. "I've come to expect it at this point." Beyond being gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans and pansexual—which I still don't understand fully—, I'm unfamiliar with gender identity and the terms. Call me rude, I would just tell you I'm too caught up in my own shit and that I'm sorry.
But I'm willing to learn and support. I hope that counts for something. My brother is gay and I've always loved him more for it. Identifying as anything other than straight in a world of culturally conservative bigots is fucking brave.
"But not at all," he continues. "Honestly, I'm still a little confused about it but it's nice to know that such terms exist. I've felt so many different ways about people and I always brushed it off and now that it is in the forefront of my mind—since everything with Declan—, I can't stop thinking about it. I obsess about it. Bisexual Demiromantic is just the latest terminology that I feel like I identify with. Obviously, I'm attracted to both men and women, but—" John swings his legs and does that thing where he sucks his teeth because he's afraid to say his next thought. I always admired that about him, he catches his words before they can escape. My mind doesn't react that quickly unfortunately, I'm always saying weird shit.
"Just say it."
"I think I only have a romantic preference towards guys? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out."
He tries to shrug it off but I know it was a nice way for him to say that he likes Declan more than he ever liked me. It's a stab in the heart because I did truly love him, but getting mad and making a fit over the past doesn't have a place in my life anymore. It was never like this during our relationship and I think maybe I'm finally seeing him. I'm just glad he's learning who he is, what he wants and how to move forward. I need this too.
I wrap my arm around his shoulder. "I'm here if you need anything."
"You too. Enough about me. How are you? Where are you staying since—" He sucks his teeth again but this time in anger.
"I'm at my aunt and uncle's for now."
"And you and Declan? You guys good now?"
"Ha, no. I mean, he seems to have put it all behind us but every time I look at him, I'm angry... at myself. I spent so much time hating him, trying to get one over on him, resenting him, for what?" I laugh. "I'm stupid, you know? Emotionally unequipped. What about you two? You gonna tell my brother you're in love with him or what?"
"Stop that. You were hurt, we all do stupid things when we're hurt. And no. It's no use. He will never feel the same way. I pretended to be someone else. There's no chance for us." John stands up. "Stay right here."
He's stupid. Declan likes him, more than likes him. John's shoes slam against the dock and it bounces up and down, creating wave-like ripples in the water. The soles of my shoes are inches away from being completely submerged. I wanna believe him when he says that we all do stupid things when we're hurt but it feels like I take it to the extreme. Where's Meera when I need her?
