All The Lies We Told

CHAPTER THREE

The door slams shut behind me, and I walk down the lamp-lit street. Of course, I didn't expect Aubrey to walk me home, but any sort of gesture would have been nice. I am doing her a solid with this whole Declan ordeal, after all.

I know what you're thinking: who in their right mind does something like that? It's cruel and inconsiderate.

Right?

I owe her. Just in the year that we've dated she's supported me in more ways than I can possibly repay her for. Buying me clothes, taking me out to dinner, giving me rides— It's the least that I can do. She's never asked for anything in return... except this. I don't know that she ever expected anything in return but I'm glad this opportunity presented itself. And even though this is a little weird and fucked, I have to do it. I owe her. Declan never has to know. I don't ever plan on 'meeting' him anyway. Aubrey swore this was only to help him get over James, which I can do. I'm pretty likeable... I think. Or at least that's what Aubrey tells me. She's always saying nice things like that.

Declan H: how's your night going?
Matt N: It's alright. It could be better.

I reach the front of my house and gag at the thought of entering. I bet Mom and the guy I have to call my stepdad—I prefer to just call him Jeff—will be sitting there with their stupid drug dealer driver. And the stupid drug dealer driver will be sitting there smirking with a cigarette in his mouth, counting wads of cash from his errands before he takes his cut and hands the rest to Jeff.

By errands, I mean yayo runs.
#glittersnifferkids

In the last two years since they've been married, Mom has been racking in cash from his deals, claiming:

We're good.
You can go to college. We can afford it now.
We're not poor anymore.

But we're not good. We can't afford college because I refuse to accept drug money. And to my knowledge, we're still poor. Just because Mom always has wads of cash and walks around with knock off Coach purses doesn't mean we're not poor anymore. It just means she's good at swindling. She doesn't love Jeff, she loves what he brings to the table: coke and money.

Declan H: what are you up to?

I stare down at his message and consider my options. I either go into this house and be miserable or go to the marina and be miserable.

Matt N: Just on my way to the marina by my house.

Of course, I opt to be miserable alone. It's the best kind of misery. No one to tell you that what you're feeling is wrong. No one to tell you that you need to calm down. No one to tell you that 'life gets better'.

In a college town like this, you'd typically hear students screaming and cheering and music blaring. And on any off days, you'd hear the stadium roaring with concert music and fans screaming, crying, and throwing up. The only sounds tonight are cans rattling in a cart being pushed by a homeless man on the other side of the street. I bet he's on his way to the marina to drown in his own misery too.

Declan H: lol

Bland responses seem to be his thing. Like a simple ole "lol". Like why are you laughing out loud? Are you actually laughing out loud, or are you just responding 'lol' as acknowledgement?

I smile down at my phone again because, without fail, he double-messaged. Eight is the most he has sent in one sitting. It was neurotic at first, and I felt so pressured and anxious about saying the wrong thing, but it's getting easier as time goes on. It seems like Aubrey was right; he just wants someone to talk to.

Declan H: isn't this an odd time to go to the marina? You know it's about to rain right?
Matt N: it's the BEST time. R u kidding? The rains got nothin' on me! You'll have to give it a try one day!

Bricks are staggered at the centre of the concrete ground, creating a path to benches spaced 3 feet apart from each other. Docks and boats fill the remaining surrounding area.

The pulchritudinous view has a huge smile stretching across my face. Serenity washes over me, cleansing my soul with its essence. The meditational experience I always crave. The susurration of the waves has become the soundtrack to my life. The smell of rain is apparent in the air.

Declan H: maybe you can share your spot with me.

My jaw tightens at the sight of the message and my thumbs freeze in place over the screen, not knowing how to respond.

Declan H: rough night, I'm assuming?

I completely gloss over his first message, hoping he'll forget about it.

Matt N: always
Declan H: wanna talk about it?

I'm not going to lie, having someone to talk to throughout the day these past three days has been very eye-opening, to say the least. Aubrey has been so caught up in her own life, cleaning up all the messes her mom made, our relationship has been suffering because of it. The only reason I even agreed to help her with this 'Declan getting over his ex' thing is because it's the first time she's paid attention to me in months. I want to say that the last month we had sex was two months ago. Two months too long. That doesn't stop her from teasing me

Matt N: just family drama.
Declan H: ouuuuu! The best kinda drama. Tell me all about it.

My heart palpitates.

Matt N: just Mom being a Mom. We're arguing over money right now.

I pause mid-message trying to think up ways I can phrase my answer without giving away too many telling details. I have to remember when I'm messaging Declan, I'm Matt, not John.

She wants to pay for the rest of my tuition out of pocket and I don't want her to do that. She doesn't really have the funds anyway. I add and then hit send.

Declan H: Money is always tough but if she wants to pay for it, doesn't it mean she has the funds? What are you just going to go into debt like the rest of us when your Mom is so willing to take care of it for you?

Declan H: sorry, that was kinda forward but...

I mean, he's not wrong. All I can think about is drug money. And the loads of people overdosing or dying from the cocaine that Jeff sells. Who the fuck knows where he even gets it from or what it's cut with.

John H: Let's change the subject. WVU right? What's there? Why not UPenn or Pitt?

Just as I go to put my phone back into my pocket, it lights up and vibrates in my hand.