All The Lies We Told

CHAPTER TEN

Aunt Emma's head bobs as I stroke her hair, spraying it with dry shampoo and untangling each hair knot as I comb through. Aubrey's hair is perfect, shiny and clean—Flawless even. You'd think she'd care for her dying mother's hair. She cared better for her Barbie dolls' hair as a kid than her own Mom. I remember those days like they were yesterday, back when I felt like I wasn't allowed to play with dolls because they were for girls, so I'd steal Aubrey's dolls secretly. Every year, I'd watch Aubrey open gifts from Mom. Dolls, jump ropes, hula hoops and glitter pens; I was so jealous. I got stuck with soccer balls, cleats, and unappealing toy soldiers.

Aubrey spent much time with Mom, Dad, and me when she was younger. Aunt Emma wasn't around much, and Aubrey would stay with us for weeks at a time. She's been more like a sister to me than anything. The best part about her being around so much was that it gave me access to her toys—specifically her dolls. I'd steal all her dolls constantly until Mom found them and started buying me them behind Dad's back.

"So I've been talking to this guy named Matt, and omg! Let me show you his picture."

I reach for my phone, pull up Matt's Grindr profile, and show Aubrey his picture. Her eyes widen at seeing his profile, and she grabs the phone to continue scrolling through his photos. "Wow, he is..." she purses her lips. "WOW!" She lets out. "Who made the first move? How are the conversations?"

"He messaged me as soon as I created my profile...." I laugh. "Like the second after I created it."

"Wow! I'm honestly not surprised, though. Boys will be boys. And the conversations?"

"They're good! He's definitely very emotional, deep and someone I could see myself dating." I continue brushing Aunt Emma's hair. "Our conversations are engaging, and he seems to be very mindful and aware of who he is, Self-reflective. Maybe a little sad, but we're all a little bit sad! He's more human than James ever was."

Aubrey squeals in excitement. "I'm so happy for you, Dec! Do you guys have plans to meet?" She asks, squinting her eyes as if she's suspicious of something.

"Oh, mind your business, Aubrey." Aunt Emma demands. Aubrey's face turns beet red. "It's just a question, Mom. Fuck off."

I interject. "Guys... come on. Can we go a day without fighting? I feel like every time I'm here; you guys are bickering back and forth." I don't mean to sound annoyed. "Why do you think I don't come around often anymore?"

Crickets. No one says a word.

"I haven't devised a plan to meet yet." I continue. "I'd like to get to know him a little more. He lives about an hour out... I don't even know how it would work." I say, still brushing Aunt Emma's hair.

"Yeah, I get it." Aubrey agrees. "Take your time."

I spend the rest of the day filling in for Aubrey and caring for Aunt Emma while Aubrey runs her errands. Supposedly, she is out buying things for the house, like toilet paper, paper towels and groceries, but I don't know how much of that is true. I just raided the pantry to find something to make for Aunt Emma, and they seem to be fully stocked up.

For as long as I can remember, she's always been the type to lie about little things. Like this one time when we planned a trip to Fire Island, and she cancelled on me the night before we had to leave. Her excuse was, 'Mom has an appointment.' I questioned her no further because how could I? Aunt Emma is her first priority, and I must respect it. The day I returned from Fire Island, which is the day she claimed the appointment was, I stopped by to show Aubrey some pictures, but Aunt Emma said she was out with John... probably another lie. Again, I didn't question her about it because there was no point. She'll just try to cover it up with another lie.

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I follow behind Dad, who's wearing a Jansport backpack and dragging around his carry-on. Mom is walking around with her lavender neck pillow that she uses for travel and the giant duffle bag she considers her carry-on. It's filled with Cheetos and only Cheetos. Mom has a weird obsession with them.

"Ready?!" Dad throws his head back and smiles at us. "Family train ride!"

"Ugh." I scoff in disgust. "I'm not looking forward to sitting there for nine hours, but yes, I'm ready! Mom?"

"Do you see this neck?" She points at her neck pillow. "I'm more than ready!"

We enter the line to the train and find our seats, and I get stuck choosing which of my parents to sit with. Dad thinks it's necessary to buy the whole row 'so no one weird or stinky sits next to us,' but he and Mom end up sitting apart, and I'm left to choose a parent. I swear it's some dark and twisted game they play to see who I love more, but then Mom leaves me hanging. She places her duffle bag right next to her.

"Go! Sit with your father." She shoos me away with both hands.

"I have a date with Netflix." She laughs. I'm sure she planned this. She tries her hardest to get me and Dad on the same page. I partly appreciate it, but it would mean more to me if he made an effort on his own.

Slighted, I turn around and plop down next to Dad, who's also setting up his space to watch something on his iPad.

"Son! We haven't talked in a while..." He slips his earbuds out. "How's the rest of the school year going?"

As if there weren't other things to ask like, 'How are you?' or 'I'm sorry about James, how are you holding up?' Anything. Anything but school and soccer. I don't know how much more I can take of it. How can I be myself with everyone in my life but my Dad? It's like every time I try to open up to him or try to be completely myself, he puts up this boundary between us, and everything I want to voice never gets out or through. He doesn't have to say a word; I can feel the weirdness everywhere around us whenever we're in the same room. The air changes, it has a scent I can't quite put my finger on, and it feels heavier. I tense up every time, like right now, for instance.

"It's going," I say. "Just waiting for it to be over."

My phone dings.
Matt N: heya

Hey! I respond.

"Excited to finally be off on your own?"

"Dad, I'll only be a few minutes away. It's not like I'm leaving the state for college." Although I wish I were. Harvard was my first choice, and NYU was my second choice, but sadly, I wasn't accepted to either, so UPitt it is.

"Yes, we know you are spending an insane amount of money just to live on campus, even though you have a place to stay." He exasperates.

"Can you stop that? I want the full experience. Sue me."

"I know, I know. I'm just worried about the debt you'll be in when college is all said and done."

"I've got it handled, okay? It's my life. Just let me live it." I exclaim.

"Okay." He twiddles the earbuds between his fingers and inserts them into his ears. "Just a concerned father, that's all." He adds before completely blocking me out with both earbuds.

Just a concerned father, that's all.
Well, you're concerned about the wrong things. How about being more concerned about our failing father-son relationship?

Matt N: You're on your way to the city, right?
Declan H: Yes!
Matt N: Nice! I always wanted to go. Send all the pics!
Declan H: What?! You've never been?! We HAVE to get you here. Let's plan a time!

Maybe that was a little too forward, considering we still haven't met, but what if our first meet-up was in NYC? It would be an epic first date! NY pizza, maybe kayak on the Hudson, we could take a little getaway to Roosevelt Island. I think Matt would love that.