All The Lies We Told

CHAPTER FOUR

I still hear his laugh when I'm watching Netflix alone in bed. Sometimes I swear I feel his legs entangle with mine or smell whiffs of his deodorant, only to turn around to find he's not there; It's harrowing, to say the least.

I always thought we'd go to college and rent our first apartment together off campus. We'd find a cute little city studio in Downtown Boston, go on morning walks on the pier, and make Harvard our bitch; Like we planned. "It'll be like we're married." as he once said. James has a different plan now. Probably with Kyle.

Definitely with Kyle.

I've seen the way James is with Kyle around the school. He pays attention to him in the hallways. He talks to him in class. He prioritises Kyle over his friends—everything he never did for me.

I curl up on the alcove and stare blankly out the window, watching it slowly fill with droplets of rain. July 9th: the day I knew I loved him. The day we bonded over our love for cheesy CW shows and our favourite Vampire Diaries characters. I'm so obviously Team Bonnie because witches are far cooler than vampires, and James is a Caroline gal. Now that we aren't together and I'm no longer wearing heart-eyes for him, I can see how fitting it was. He rooted for a character who ended up leaving her daughters to fend for themselves. It's clear now that we've always had different definitions of love.

He couldn't have waited until graduation to break up with me? Fuck.

I'm transported back to reality when light tapping sounds from my bedroom door. It's mom's you've got a visitor tap. I don't answer or even breathe, for that matter. Who the fuck is bothering me at 10:30 pm?

Inaudible whispers flow through the crack of the door. "Declan?" a familiar voice screeches out.

Aubrey.

"He's had a hard time since James broke up with him. Just give him some space." Mom is the best at coming up with unquestionable excuses for me.

I stay silent, hoping Mom will stick to our visitor's agreement with each other. She's pretty lax about me having people over, but I rarely ever do. Aubrey doesn't count. She's my cousin. But she still gets the same treatment as everybody else. I don't know who she thinks she is popping over at 10:30 PM a weeknight. The only person Mom allows to barge in is Tucker, but this is only because he sucks up to her and lets her mother him too.

Aubrey whispers something snarky and causes Mom to react in a way that makes me want to swing my door open and see what's going on and why she's here, but I don't have it in me to deal with her nonsensical shit today.

Just fucking leave me alone already.

Their heels clack down the steps and the front door slams shut a few moments after. Before I know it, my door swings open, and Mom barges in without warning, as usual. "I knew you weren't sleeping. You're still avoiding your cousin I see?"

Mom walks over and snuggles herself beside me. She makes her way under the turtle throw blanket we picked out together five summers ago at Coney Island Beach. I remember the day vividly. It was about 73 degrees on a late-summer night. The sun was setting with an orangey-brown tint that reflected off the water, it looked Grand Canyon-like. There was happiness all around us. Old couples holding hands and smiling at the life around them, parents laughing at their toddlers who were smearing ice cream all over their faces, and kids out with their friends being kids. I almost had the guts to tell Mom how I thought I liked boys—clearly, I thought right.
But I didn't because I was ashamed.

"What's going on, honey?" She wraps both arms around me.

"I just thought getting over James would be easier." My eyes well with tears. "He ruined everything. Senior year was supposed to be perfect. How is it that my whole high school life was perfect up until the last two months? How fucking convenient, right?" I cry into my hands. "I still love him, Mom." I wail and convulse like I always do when I'm able to finally say how I really feel out loud.
"Oh, honey! You're gonna make me cry too." She lets out with a titter.

She tightens her hug and pats my shoulder gently to comfort me, a bond I've come to appreciate over the years. It's the kind you only see on family-centred TV shows. Like on ABC Family with two lesbian moms. I'd kill to have another mom. Any friend I have over always comments on our relationship. I guess you can call me a momma's boy.

"You'll find your prince charming, I promise." she pulls me in closer and rests her chin on the crown of my head. "I've been waiting for this day, you know."
"Mom!" I weep and attempt to wiggle loose from her grasp. In turn, she squeezes so tight, my entire upper body feels crushed. "I meant your first heartbreak, calm down." she giggles and forces me to face her. "Look here." she forces her eyes on mine but somehow I feel like I'm watching it happen from the corner of my eye rather than living through it first-hand. "It's inevitable. We all get our hearts broken once or twice in a lifetime. You two aren't meant to be, and that's okay! You'll look back on this one day and appreciate it for what it was: your first love." her voice echoes in my mind.

Your first love.

"H.. How-How—" I struggle to speak through the dysphonia. "can you be so sure?"

My mom is my best friend. I tell her almost everything. It's been this way for as long as I can remember, but our bond definitely deepened when I came out. I think deep down, she always knew too. I don't think she would have continually bought me things you would typically buy a daughter if she hadn't known. I remember seeing all the commercials for the diaries that opened by voice command and crying for one. I didn't let up until she did. It didn't help that those commercials played all the time. And man! They made it seem so cool. I spent days writing in that thing, scribbling friends' names all over the pages and writing short stories following two princes ruling a kingdom together. Then like everything else I really wanted, I forgot about it. Also... how secret could it have been if I had to say my "secret phrase" out loud?

As much as I tried to conceal my feelings, I'm sure Mom picked up on my girlish tendencies. Looking back, it was so obvious. A part of me always knew I liked boys.

Mom's reaction to my coming out was simple and everything I could've asked for. All she said was, "I don't care. You're my son, and I love you no matter what." and hugged me. My dad, on the other hand? All he did was sit there with a stupid spaced-out look on his face. He's a work in progress. I have a feeling he always will be.

"Because I've lived longer than you, and I'm alive now to tell you you'll be okay. What do I always say?"

"No matter how much it destroys you, let yourself feel. It's good for the soul." We say in sync.

You want to do some shop therapy tomorrow after school?" She asks softly.
"Mom!" I sniffle. "Shopping doesn't fix everything," I say, using my hoodie to wipe my tear-stricken face. "The pain will just come back!" I slam my face into a pillow and scream into it.
"Oh, don't be so dramatic! Let's go downstairs. I'll make us some tea." She pulls me up by my arms and slaps my butt.