Declan Hankinston is on a mission to find a new prom date amidst the pain of his first heartbreak. Encouraged by his cousin Aubrey, he ventures into the world of gay online dating and signs up for Grindr to seek a companion. Little does he know, Aub...
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"Mornin' son! What do you have planned after school? Wanna hit the field?" Dad rushes over to the plate of bagels and stuff one into his mouth. His tie is over his shoulder and his belt not buckled... oh god, I can see his...."Dad! Pull up your pants! I can see EVERYTHING, ewwwwwww! My eyes!" I shout.
Mom giggles and continues chopping peppers and onions for omelettes. "Feta or jalapeno cheddar?"
"Feta for me," Dad shouts.
"Jalapeno cheddar, please! And Dad, I have shop therapy plans with Mom... sorry."
"What? Is it—" He runs his fingers through his greying hair. Disappointment is written all over his face. "I was hoping—" He pauses before quickly asking, "Can I join?" He's looking at us but refuses to make direct eye contact. He thinks we left him out on purpose. "Family shop therapy? I'm down!" I respond.
He's been like this since I came out. I try my hardest to act the same and let him see that I'm still the same son that he's always remembered, but there's this part of me that feels somewhat disconnected from him. Like, I don't know if he's okay with me talking about boys with him; he's never actually made an effort.
Anytime James came around, he would be out golfing purposely if you ask me. Then when James broke up with me, he still didn't make an effort. But then there are little scenarios like this where he wants to do random things with me. Or somehow hint at feeling excluded in his own convoluted way.
A day after my coming out, he took me out golfing and basically tried to turn me straight. Like the whole golf trip was organised to make me realise I'm straight and not gay, which is not the case at all, but it was a valour attempt. It was hours and hours in the beating sun. He commented on leaving a legacy behind on this earth and how his legacy is me. "We men need to do our parts." He repeatedly emphasised as if he were reminding me I needed to realise my position on this planet as a male.
He swung his club skillfully, deliberately and with poise. You want to talk about straight white male privilege? Dean Hankinston is it. He wore a seafoam-blue golf shirt—still just a polo—, paired with off-white shorts and Nike golf shoes. "It's par for the course. No pun intended." He winked. That's all he ever did when we "spent time" together. He'd just make stupid dad jokes the whole time. And I would laugh because I wanted to have some sort of kinship with him.
Because a surface-level relationship and bonding over the things life has to offer vs what we have to offer the world was more important than having no relationship at all. I wanted to hate him so badly. Sometimes I do. But he's my dad, and I only get one.
"Life is a winding, unpredictable road, Dad." I rolled my eyes and grunted as I took my turn swinging. "Our lives are made up of choices and acts of whim, how we feel in a particular moment. I think maybe we were put on this planet, at this period, for a reason, but the rest has got to be arbitrary." I watched the ball curve and draw, then hit the ground.
The way it came off was like he believed our family legacy is dependent on my reproductive lifestyle choices, and I might need to reconsider being gay. Maybe that was just me completely overanalysing and demonising my father, but. But that's just how it came off.
"Aubrey's calling you." Dad hands me my phone from the kitchen counter.
Sometimes I wish she'd let me breathe. I know life has been hard for her, and she's been caring for her mom, but she is relentless. She always wants to talk on the phone. If we're not talking on the phone, she's blowing up my phone with crazy text messages. There are times when she changes the subject so much that it looks like she's conversing with herself in the thread because of her nonstop babble. And if we're not texting or talking on the phone, she wants to be hanging out. She's never been good with boundaries, but it's worse now than it ever was.
It's partly my fault. I let her lean on me for everything. But that's when she didn't have anyone. She has John now. Shouldn't that be enough?
I place my phone upside down on the counter to silence the call. "You can't keep ignoring her, you know," Mom says, putting my omelette before me. "Let's not have a repeat of your Freshmen Year."
The last time I ignored her like this, she told her Mom, and then my Mom got involved, and it was so stupid. I love being an only child, but Aubrey struggles with it immensely. Maybe because her mom was never supportive or around, but it's not like she doesn't have friends. She has tons of friends. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have made it through High School. She was like my personal bodyguard.
"Would you guys want to spend the weekend in the city instead?" Dad asks.
Mom purses her lips and looks at me, seemingly reluctant to answer. "Dec? This shop therapy was for you. Did you have any other plans this weekend?"
"No!" I hold my finger up and finish chewing. "PLEASE get me out of here. I need to take a breather from this place." Mom chuckles. "You're going away for college soon. Take it in while you can." She spreads her arms across the island. "I'm walking around naked the second you're out." "Disgusting, Mom." "We'll miss you around here, you know," Dad adds.
My phone dings. Aubrey N: I need your help if you're not busy.
I never thought I'd say this but: Thank you for saving me from her, Dad.
