Declan Hankinston is on a mission to find a new prom date amidst the pain of his first heartbreak. Encouraged by his cousin Aubrey, he ventures into the world of gay online dating and signs up for Grindr to seek a companion. Little does he know, Aub...
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Of course, I have Instagram and Twitter but setting up those accounts was a breeze. This though? What in the fuck do I put in my bio for a gay dating app? My thumbs hover over the screen, ready to tap at any moment. A notification from Grindr sends my phone buzzing.
Matt N:sup!
Wow. The guys on here work quickly. I only signed up just three days ago. This Matt guy has been messaging me ever since. There have been a couple of other guys, too. But those conversations consist of:
Top or bottom? Send nudes Meet up?
No real conversation. No depth.
Finding a nice profile picture was easy. It might be misleading because it was from two years ago but I look at myself in the mirror enough to know that I still look the same. I feel like it captures me and who I am on a deeper level. Mom had taken it one day after a soccer game. I gleamed with an open-mouthed smile. My hair was the perfect length; wavy and thick. In the photo, I was happy and careless and living in the moment as if no one was watching, except in that moment the bleachers were filled with crowds of high school students and parents alike— cheering and hyping up the team. I look like me. What more could you ask for? I was in my element in this beloved photo.
The text cursor is blinking away and making a mockery out of me. I'm not even the smallest bit surprised that my thumbs aren't moving right now. There's not a goddamned thing going on up there; I'm drawing a blank.
t w e n —
My thumb on my right hand aggressively smashes the backspace button. Not doing that here. That's lame. I sit and contemplate before coming up with the most genius idea: creeping.
I scroll around Grindr for a while, going deep into the offline profiles and making faces while looking for normal people. Not unsolicited dick pics placed as PFPS, not over-edited men with filtered images, just a normal guy. Are there any out there any more?
James was a normal guy, the kind of guy that girls and gay guys swooned over, sometimes even straight guys too. He's so good at talking to people and is able to navigate himself socially. I admired it, I always will. I wish I had it in me to be that social. I wish I cared enough to make people love me, but I don't. I only wanted to make him love me. Maybe that was my biggest mistake. One of the many excuses he gave me when he broke up with me was "You're too jealous."
It's true. I'm the jealous type. I can't help myself. I don't know if I'll ever get over that either. I like mine to be mine, and only mine. And I don't think there's much wrong with knowing what you want or being jealous in general. Fuck, if I had a boyfriend, and he was constantly jealous anytime a guy even tried to hit on me, I'd love him even more for it. At least it shows he's possesive of you.
