Bad Decisions - Noah Sebastian

Right Where You Left Me

Time was beginning to help the pain I feel let up. Every day was a little lighter, sometimes the evening hits and it gets bad again, but they always say healing isn't linear. My interview for the photography studio in town was yesterday and it went well, hoping for the best. It has been a couple days since Nick went home, he's texted me a few times but didn't ask for me to change my mind anymore, there's improvement all the time. It's New Year's Eve now; sitting in my childhood bedroom on my lumpy old mattress I was piecing together a scrapbook for the coming year. Hopefully I'll be doing a lot more photography and I want to remember the year I'm determined to make good. I hadn't made one of these in forever, not since high school really. Now I was taking the time to plan out the pages and sections to make it come together how I envision it. It was getting late and I don't see myself staying up for the midnight moment of the new year, then again I might, so I can toast to myself for the new me stepping into the new year. It was 11:40 now and I'm pretty tired so I think I'll call it a night. My parents were at a friends house for their annual party, leaving me in the old house alone.

I closed the scrapbook and leaned over to set it on the floor gently. I scooted up and pulled the blankets out from under me and shoved my legs under the blankets. I scooted forward and laid down to see the ceiling. I longer want the ceiling to daunt me the way it has the past few weeks. I've laid awake in this bed more nights than not staring at this ceiling soaking in my pain. I don't want to look at this ceiling anymore and remember the reason for why I came home. I'm determined to give this ceiling a new meaning, I just have to find one.

A noise came from downstairs that caused me to sit up. I held my breath to hear it again. A long moment passed before the noise came back. Knocking, is someone at the door? I slid my legs out from under the covers and off the bed. I shoved my feet in my slippers and padded to my door. The sound came again as I caught sight of the front door from the top of the stairs. I could see the figure of someone standing outside through the frosted glass pane in the center of the door. My feet made quick work of the stairs and suddenly I was at the bottom, my breath caught in my throat as my hand hit the handle. What if it's a murderer? Maybe my parents lost their keys? I let out the breath I was holding and twisted the handle, pulling the door towards me.

I stood there, frozen in shock, my lungs felt paralyzed, the voice in my head screamed at me to say something, anything. "Noah" I breathed out. Brown hair over deep brown eyes and perfect teeth stood there against the snowy background of the front yard. Somehow he seemed taller, maybe I shrunk? No he got taller? Maybes it's his shoes and my lack there of? My mind raced with stupid meaningless thoughts.

"Alex," he breathed out. "You look so beautiful." He said as if it was the most true confession he'd ever made. I was not beautiful, I stood there in an oversized shirt that hit me mid thigh and my underwear with pink fuzzy slippers, my hair was a mess and I hadn't even taken the time to brush my teeth before bed.

"Thanks" it came quiet like a mouse. "What are you doing here?" I tired to sound my confident.

"I needed to see you." He said his eyes darted down to the floor before coming back to lock with mine. "I needed to tell you" he paused causing anticipation to boil under my skin. "Tell you it hurt me to realize you don't know how much I love you." His words stabbed me in my chest. "I failed you, and I'm sorry." He twisted the metaphorical knife, and I felt the need to gasp for air.

"Noah it-" I tried to speak but he cut me off.

"If you understood how much I love you, you wouldn't have done this. You would've known I can't move on. I'm sorry I didn't tell you how much I love you." His words had my eyes glossing over as my chest burned, I tried to focus on keeping my breath even

"Noah, I love you too" I confessed as I kept my grip firm on the door handle to avoid shaking. "But it's not right," I shook my head as I spoke.

"Alex, please." His voice killed me, he sounded hurt and desperate. I had done this to him, this was my fault.

"No." I felt the numbness come back and run up my body the way a crack travels through glass. "I'm sorry." We held each other's gaze for what felt like eternity. His deep brown eyes staring into my blue/gray ones, I'm sure he could see the tears brimming my eyes now. His face was flushed from the cold and his eyes let on exhaustion. I feel terrible for shutting him down like this, but it's the only way for things to get better. There's no point in trying again, if we know where it leads. It would lead to more pain and guilt for the both of us; I just can't do that to him. "Goodnight Noah. Happy new year." I said before moving to close the door.

I was half expecting him to stop me, for him to say something, anything. But he didn't, he let me close the door and lock it. I stood in the darkness of the quiet house for a second before I turned to find the clock on the far wall. 12:01. I felt the tears slip down my face as I let out a shaky breath. Slowly I turned and with heavy footsteps I made my way upstairs. I slipped under the covers and found myself looking back at the ceiling again. I need no reminders tonight ceiling, not tonight.

I got the job I interviewed for and started the second week of January. I spent my days doing sessions in the studio, small kids, some families, lots of newborns, okay mostly newborns, or at least it felt that way. I told myself it only felt that way because it hurt to do newborns shoots. It hurt to see the perfect bundles of joy and have to keep look at them for so long. Then keep looking at them while you edit the photos. It felt never ending. Still I enjoyed the work and how busy it kept me. Weddings and location sessions kept me busy on the weekends, I was thankful for that.

Quickly January had turned to February and I already felt like I wasted time somehow. I should be better now right? Somehow I'm not, and the ceiling above my bed still bothers with its nightly reminders of my past. The man I love that I pushed away. The man I love that I hurt so deeply. I was beginning to think that guilt might actually kill me. Thankfully I had work to keep my mind off it. Lately I've been taking work home and editing late into the night. This night was no different. It was around 6pm when my mom peeked into my room, dinner plate in hand. "Hey, sweetie!" She greeted me as she entered the room.

"Hey" I saw her through my peripheral as my eyes stayed glued to the computer screen.

"I know your busy but I wanted to make sure you had something to eat." She set the plate down on my bedside table. "Also, happy Valentine's Day." She said with her happy hostess smile.

"Thank you, so much" I said pulling my eyes away from the screen to look at her.

"I know it's hard, but I want you to know I'm here. I can be your valentine" she suggested.

"Thanks" I let out a small laugh at my goofball mom.

"I'll leave you to it though, please eat something, just a few bites." She suggested as she headed out the door. I zoned back into editing and lost track of time before I heard my moms voice call me from downstairs. "Alex!" She called. "Come here please" I shifted the laptop off my lap and climbed off the bed and made my way to the door and down the stairs. I rounded the corner once I got to the bottom of the stairs to see my mom standing in the hallway.

"What's up?" I gave her a questioning look.

"You have a package on the front porch" she said lightly before slipping further into the house, towards the kitchen. I turned around to face the door. There was something on the porch, I could see the shadow through the glass. I stepped forward and quickly pulled the door open. I went stupid for a second as I processed what I was looking at. Roses. So many roses. Multiple bouquets of roses sat neatly nestled next to one another. There was a small white card sticking up in the middle of the center vase. I leaned over and took it with shaky hands. Gently I opened the small envelope and slide the card out.

For my one true love.
                                    -love Noah

I felt my lungs tighten as I stared at the card, shaking in my hand. Tears sprang to my eyes, clouding my vision as I gasped for air. I had to go, I have to see him. I can't stay here, this isn't home.