Story of Destruction and Chaos

Chapter 24

(A/N: my chest hurts from caffeine overdose, maybe I'll have a heart attack later.)

(Also, I just wanted to say this; Chaos tops in this relationship and you cannot change my mind. I would also like to repeat that I will not be held accountable for my actions and am asexual so fuck any of my thoughts on this topic, this is what I'm giving you.)

(And, I just remembered that Chaos is Greek. Order, End, Void, they're all theories from GREEK Mythology. Since my idiotic brain forgot that, we're sticking to "not Greek gods".)

<CHAOS' POV>

Eventually, the conversation subdued, left to the comfortable silence as we sat in the living room, Struct leaning against me as I had my arms wrapped around him.

"What time is it?" Struct asked me eventually, looking up at me.

"Around three in the evening. Our sleep schedule is fucked up badly," I shrugged.

Struct sighed, nodding in agreement and leaning into my touch. He moved his left arm a bit, wincing and trying to find a comfortable position to stay in. He stared down at his arm, hidden by the sleeve of his hoodie, and gazed at it motionlessly.

"Struct," I said tensely.

He flinched and looked up at me.

"Sor-sorry," he stuttered, looking away.

"No, just... don't struggle silently. Please," I asked pleadingly.

Struct curled in on himself.

"I'm doing my best, I don't know what you want me to do," he mumbled.

I honestly didn't know how to help Struct without making him feel at least a little bad about himself.

"I'm proud of everything you've done today, okay? I just want you to go in the right direction," I told him softly.

Struct bit his lip and nodded. I could still see that something was bothering him, but I wasn't going to force him to talk to me.

"Can we please go up to my room?" He asked eventually, his voice breaking.

"Of course," I nodded, flashing us out into Struct's room, on the bed.

Struct let out a breath he was holding in, letting himself fall onto the bed. Tears filled his eyes and he turned away. I gently put a hand on his shoulder.

"How're you? You don't want to do anything like... that, right?" I asked, avoiding trigger words.

Struct scoffed, curling in on himself.

"I'd love to kill myself at this moment. I honestly don't know what's stopping me, but that's that, if you want to know," Struct snapped, turning away frustratedly.

I bit my lip, not knowing what to do.

"Struct," I began, my voice low and quiet. "What happened, though? What's wrong?" I asked patiently.

"I'm just being clingy and immature, there really is no problem, I'm just being dramatic. It's really not a big deal, it's not anything at all, I'm just exaggerating it..." Struct blabbered on.

"Struct," I said quietly sliding my hand over his.

He groaned in frustration.

"I just- I don't want to cause you trouble, I'm being a burden, I'm obsessing over things that don't matter, I-I'm such an idiot, I'm literally about to cry over nothing, I hate myself so much, I'm just being dramatic," Struct ranted.

"Don't say those things. You aren't causing me any trouble, and you're definitely not a burden. You aren't obsessing over things that don't matter, you're processing trauma. You're definitely not an idiot, you're incredibly smart, trust me, it's not nothing, and it's a normal thing to cry. Don't hate yourself for anything, you're so perfect, it hurts me that you torture yourself with those thoughts. You aren't bring dramatic, you're finally getting the help you need. You might be feeling overwhelmed, which, if you do, tell me, because you can always talk to me when you need help," I whispered comfortingly.

Struct wrapped his arms around me. I wrapped my arms around him tighter, gently murmuring comforting words as tears fell from his eyes once more.

I kept him in my hold even after his tears had stopped. I had a feeling that he just liked being held, and I loved having him in my hold. He eventually looked up at me from his position (lying down across my lap and snuggled into my chest) and began talking.

"Chaos, I love you so much, and I realized how fucking selfish I was being while cutting and wanting to kill myself and shit," Struct began desperately.

I opened my mouth to object, but Struct cut me off before I could say anything.

"Don't. Don't say anything. You can't object to this. I'm self aware now, and I'm aware of my actions and what they mean. Killing myself would mean you, being alone. I couldn't do that to you. I love you so, so much, Chaos. I love you more than words can explain. I love you with all of my being, you're the perfect person for me, you're a part of my soul, you're a part of me. You're the reason I'm alive, you're the reason I lived after suicide over a thousand years ago. You mean more to me than words could describe," Struct breathed.

"I love you so much. I don't want to hurt you, I don't want to keep hurting you. I'm scared that I'll get caught up in emotions and do something that I'll regret," Struct whispered, breaking off into a sob.

"I don't want to kill myself. I want to live, I want to be with you," he sobbed.

I gaped as I tried to form any sort of sentence. I held him tightly, my hands shaking as I wiped his tears away.

"Struct, I-I want the same. And you will be alright, okay? I promise you, we will be happy in the end," I whispered desperately.

"But how can you be sure? How can you trust me not to do anything?" Struct whispered beggingly for an answer.

I looked into his eyes and instantly regretted it. He was genuinely scared, terrified, of himself. Raw pain made itself apperant.

"We need to trust it, okay? Please," I whispered, breaking off into a sob.

My own fears took over me for a terrifying moment, and I focused on Struct, keeping my arms wrapped tightly around him.

"I love you so much," I choked out.

Struct held me tighter. Eventually, our tears subdued, leaving us in a devastating silence in each other's arms. I held Struct in my arms, but a part of me craved to be comforted as well.

"I'm so exhausted," I mumbled.

Struct shifted places so that he had his arms wrapped around me, supporting me as I struggled to keep myself up.

"How're you taking everything?" Struct asked quietly.

I paused for a few seconds.

"I'm terrified for you. I don't want to lose you, because losing you would mean losing so much. Worst of all, I would have to just plainly exist in the overworld because I can't die. I wish I was able to help you, even the tiniest bit. I feel so useless with all this bullshit going on, with Order and stuff, especially, I just don't know what to do," I choked out through my tears.

Struct hugged me tightly.

"Again, I-I'm sorry for being selfish... I love you so much, and I promise to you, I will live. For you. For us."