Story of Destruction and Chaos

Chapter 21

(A/N: did I make you cry?)

<DESTRUCTION'S POV>

We flashed into the living room. I groaned and let myself fall onto a couch, sighing tiredly. The others stood awkwardly. Dove and Forger took seats on the other couch as Eta glanced around the room, avoiding my gaze, the same as Order and Chaos.

"Well, sit down," I told them coldly.

Chaos sat down next to me, a little far from me. Order sat next to Dove, and Eta sat next to Chaos. The atmosphere was tense, but I knew that I had the upper hand, and it made me comfortable to do whatever I wanted.

"Now, Order..." I trailed off.

Order looked at me with curiosity and a little bit of fear. Her anger had pretty much subdued by now, but I could see traces of it in her eyes.

"I think before you make any judgements, you should include Chaos and I. You're either too dumb to understand or just ignorant, but Chaos and I have handled the situation with Hermes, and you created an unnecessary tension and fight between Eta, Chaos, you, and I. Do you understand that?" I asked disgustedly.

A flash of rage crossed over Order's face.

"Why can't you understand that you hurt Chaos? That your actions have consequences? Chaos trusted you. You took his trust and still didn't care," Order countered.

I laughed out of frustration.

"Don't you realize I hate myself for everything I did? It's my fault! I know that, I know I fucked up, that's the only thing I can do! I fucked things up badly and I was scared out of my mind because I felt so horrible and disgusted with myself after kissing Hermes, I still don't know how it happened and I wish it never did! My actions have consequences and I know that because of the pain all of my actions have caused me, how much of an idiot I am to not be able to get past my mistakes! I know all of this, Order, and I know it's my fault! I know that I don't deserve Chaos, I know that Chaos shouldn't trust me, because, gods, I don't even trust myself! I cared, Order, you better believe that! I cared so much, I cared, and that's what scared me after that kiss! I was horrified that Chaos wouldn't love me, and I still am! Don't you know how much of a mess I am?! I'm burdening Chaos and I still have no idea how he deals with me or even loves me anymore, because I'm too dumb and immature to deal with my own problems!" I yelled.

Tears fell out of my eyes but I paid no notice to them as I looked at Order. She was watching me with surprise, along with the entire team. Chaos looked sad and worried, along with a little bit of surprise at my rant.

"It's not that I don't care about Chaos' trust, I do! I just- I don't know how that one kiss happened, but everything goes so much deeper than that, Order! The fact Chaos cares about me is something I still don't believe, I can't! I'm such a horrible person and I've done so many terrible things, how could anybody, let alone Chaos, for primordials' sake, love me?!" I shouted, tears blurring my vision and dripping down my face.

Chaos looked shocked at the things I said. He knew nearly everything I had ranted about, but more watered down versions. Meanwhile, Order looked surprised and shocked at what I had said. Eta was horrified along with Dove and Forger.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, looking at Order.

I got up and left without another word, walking out of the room in silence. I flashed out into my room the second I was out of their line of sight.

Silent sobs wracked my body as I shakily sat down on my bed, curling in on myself for a sense of comfort. Everything Order had said to me had basically confirmed my insecurities. Chaos shouldn't love me, and I knew that, but I didn't dare say anything.