Rags to Riches II (Sequel to Rags to Riches)

IX

Od P.O.V
I hate change. Like, despise. I know meeting Ro and then having kids was a big change, but that was a change that I wanted and it made me feel good. Now I feel like shít.

School had started a month ago and tomorrow was Halloween. It was falling on a Saturday so of course since we had the biggest house everyone was coming over here for a costume party. If it was up to me...

Calypso had also started preschool. Yea, she was younger than everyone in her class, but the girl was smart. Even though the twins' birthday falls out of the time period they normally allow 3-year-olds, they quizzed and saw how smart she was. So now she was in school and I had the house to myself with Calais.

Ro was heavily into his work and I was barely able to go to the shop. I was really a stay-at-home mom. I don't know how my mom did it. This shit is overwhelming.

It's not that Ro doesn't help out it's just when he's not around as much I end up unintentionally having to do more. Packing all the lunches, dealing with stomach aches, homework, Calais, arguing, Calais, my siblings, Calais, my nieces and nephews, Calais...

Lately, he's been way more bratty. I guess Ro could say the same about me though.

Taking care of him is so hard for me because we have majority of the same triggers and then when he gets triggered I'm already triggered, but then I get even more triggered because him being triggered triggers me then I get overstimulated and break down.

Why would Rosi leave me?

I love my son so much, but I now see what my mom was going through. Dealing with me and having a husband, but still feeling so alone. I'm not saying I'm about to kill myself like she did because of me, but Calais makes my mind feel crazy. No one talks about how hard it is to really have a child with autism especially if you're on the spectrum yourself. The not eating, the screaming, the crying, the no talking.

I see why my mom left me. I was too much. I heard I was worst than him because at least Calais showed emotion. Only sometimes though. Me? I was this straight-faced, emotionless, mute, retarded ass kid whose own mother didn't...

Lemme not do this today.

It's crazy because for one moment I actually believed my father when he said that she didn't do it because of me. Well, he said I may have been a part, but I wasn't the main reason and she was going through other things. Now though I don't believe that. I had to be the reason. Imagine telling your own child you love them and they never say it back. They just give you a blank stare. I want nothing more than to know if he loves me. But I never will.

This shit makes me wanna run away sometimes. Like leaving my phone and walking out of the house and never coming back. That's how much stress and overstimulation I've been going through. I don't know how to explain k Ro though which is why I often seem like im just bitching for no reason. I don't know how to express how im feeling myself without only being able to get out "You're never home".

He is.

Sometimes.

They still always come to me. I feel like shit for even thinking like this like they aren't my fucking kids though. Im dead ass sitting here thinking about abandoning my family all because I can't handle crying. I know it's more than that, but that's how I process it. I need to grow up. I wasn't fit to be married or a father.

I won't complain again.

"Calais, stop touching that," I spoke laying in my bed as he walked around my room touching everything. Right now he was fascinated with this picture frame that had Ro and I in it from when we got married. We made the frame ourselves and then put our picture in there. It had our initials and our date in there.