mute // cake

20: Awkward

New chapter! I took it from The Book Thief: The Movie but hey new chapter comment the shit out of it :)

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Calum froze and tensed.

"I'm- I'm sorry."

He shook his head, pulling up his underwear. I got off him, feeling myself come down.

Fuck. That totally ruined the moment.

Calum didn't say anything, he sat there collecting his thoughts and putting his pants back on. I sat next to him, embarrassed and not knowing what to say.

"I kissed this guy. Harry. He said he was gay, and I liked him. So I kissed him. He kissed me back."

My stomach turned with jealousy and embarrassment.

"Calum, you don't-"

"No, I do. I was going to tell you. I need to. We had this thing going, and then- I'm not going to sugar coat it you should know the whole truth, right now- we hooked up a lot and right before I was going to ask him out, officially, he called me a faggot. In front of everyone. All my friends, all my family, everyone. I was so sure he liked me- he told me he loved me- and I knew he would say yes. So I was going to do it at my birthday party, but when I asked him he said 'I'm not gay, who the fuck do you think you are, faggot'. In front of my family. I spent the rest of the night locked in the bathroom crying. Just like that I was outed to everyone. I was going to come out anyway, you know asking out a guy, but he outed me. I didn't even get to do it myself." Calum was shaking, tears running down his face with every word. I reached my hand out to his, holding it and squeezing it. I let him continue.

"I really thought he loved me. I was so fucking stupid for believing that this popular guy could be gay for me. For me! I was just a loser who played football. Not even a starter on Varsity. I was a nobody. And I was depressed, too. Really depressed. Had a lot of issues between my parents fighting all the time and having practically no friends and being bullied for being gay. Everyone kind of knew, even if they didn't they assumed. And I kept saying 'No I'm not gay' but I was bullied for it. And then when Harry told me he was gay, I thought it would be okay. They couldn't pick on me for being gay and not him, so they would stop picking on me. Harry was the most popular guy at our school. I- I'm stalling. I'm sorry." Calum dried his face on his shirt, then he looked at his lap. "I tried to kill myself. In the bathroom, that night. I took all of my mom's back pain medication. Then I cut my wrist. Would have cut the other one too but at that point my dad got in and called an ambulance. I passed out in the bathroom, thinking I had died."

I wiped my face, not even realizing that I had started crying.

"When I woke up in the hospital, it was a worser feeling then when Harry called me a faggot."

I pulled Calum into me, hugging him so tightly, the both of us a mess of tears and emotions.

"Fuck Calum, fuck fuck fuck," I said. "You can't. I couldn't-" I was at a loss for words.

"Calum if you had died... If I didn't have you right now..."

"You didn't even know me."

"That's not the point." I let go, but kept my hands on his shoulders. "The point is, I can't believe that I could have lost you. That you could have died."

Calum was still crying. Harder, now.

"Calum Thomas Hood, don't you ever think that living was bad. That you wish you had died. Because I need you. I fucking need you. Okay?"

He nodded.

"I wish I could have known you then, and make you realize how important you are. I wish I was there with you in the hospital. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. This isn't your fault."

I knew that. But it felt like it was.

"After that, I refused to talk. To anyone. Even after my parents divorced and we moved here. My dad left us. It was all my fault. He couldn't deal with having a broken son. And I didn't talk to anyone since Harry. My last words were to Harry. Until I talked to you."

My heart was beating so fast now. My emotions were everywhere. I pulled Calum towards me and kissed him, deeply and lovingly.

"I-" I wanted to tell him. That I loved him. Because, fuck, I do. But the last person who said that... I couldn't.

"What," he asked.

"I'm here now," I said, reconnecting our lips and pulling Calum down on the couch with me.

He smiled into the kiss, and disconnected for a moment to say, "I never got to finish you."

I'm blushed. "My turn?"

He nodded, smiling and kissing me again.