Anything -- a Matty Healy Fanfic

21. A Sunrise Swim

Sorry that this one's so long! I couldn't help but keep going  :) 18+ !

Matty must have carried me to his bed in the middle of the night after we'd fallen asleep on the couch together because I'd woken up tucked comfortably under his covers and surrounded by his warm embrace. He'd taken off my shorts, replacing them with a pair of his sweatpants, knowing I get cold when I sleep. I was so touched when I woke up.

I had woken up before the sun rose, my mind still spinning anxiously about this stupid exposé written about mine and Matty's sex life. I spent the first hour of being awake laying in bed brainstorming what to do about this article. By the time the sky first hinted at sunrise, I'd come up with something I felt really good about.

Too impatient to wait for him to wake up, I climbed on top of Matty, gently rolling him onto his back and peppering his face with kisses. 

Without opening his eyes, he wrapped his arms around me tightly, then pulled my mouth to his, kissing me meaningfully. I melted into him. 

"This is my favourite way to wake up," he said sleepily with a smile, opening his eyes slightly to look at me, his eyelids heavy with sleep.

I smiled back at him and we kissed again, this time deeper. Suddenly, I felt him getting hard underneath me. Caught off guard, a switch flipped in my mind and I went into panic mode, alarm bells ringing in my ears. Affection means sex. I have to have sex. He was kissing me because he wanted sex, and now I had to have sex and I had no choice in this. No say.

Before I said anything, Matty pulled his lips from mine. "Ignore him," he said frowning, referring to his erection, his eyes still closed. He reached down to adjust himself, still unaware of my panicked state.

I slowly climbed off of him, laying down along his side and nuzzling my face into his chest, trying to act casual while I tried to stave off my panic attack. Matty pulled my arm across his chest, stroking it lightly with his fingertips. 

"Would you like to talk about it, or would you rather pretend it didn't happen?" Matty said gently.

I silently cursed my rapid heart for beating so loud. "What do you mean?" I played dumb, too frozen in my thoughts to think he wouldn't buy it.

"Darling..." he said knowingly.

"I'm sorry, I don't know why this is happening... I love having sex with you. I love you. I just... when I'm not prepared for it..."

"It feels like pressure. Like it's not your choice. Like I just kissed you to get you to have sex with me." Matty finished for me.

I looked up at him immediately, my voice full of worry, "That's not what I actually think about you!" I said, a different panic seeping in. "But... yes. That's the automatic reaction my body has. That's how it feels... Even though I know you're not pressuring me!" I quickly clarified.

"Hey," he said softly, stopping me in my tracks. "Let me just say first, I know our love. You don't have to worry about that." He moved his hand to my head, stroking my hair soothingly. "I just remember how you explained things when you were with... with that absolute piece of trash..." he finished angrily.

I nodded my head into his chest.

"I'm sorry I made you feel that way," he said. I opened my mouth to protest his apology but he stopped me. "I know I don't need to apologize. I know I haven't technically done anything wrong. But I'm still sorry. I don't ever want to make you feel unsafe with me."

I hung onto his every word, desperate to not feel the way I felt.

"I only want to have sex with you if that's what you want to do. Unfortunately, my... 'friend' down there sometimes has a mind of his own, especially in the mornings... but I promise you that just because he got a little excited does not mean I wanted or expected anything. At all," he said firmly. He paused, then tentatively added, "Do you believe me?"