The Highs and Lows of Being a Lioness

Part 8 - not again

Ame's POV:

As i stirred awake this morning i felt Leah's arms still tightly wrapped around me. It was a good feeling. I felt warm. This feeling quickly faded and my mind started to race. Shit. This can't be happening now, especially not with Leah next to me. I can't get up. I desperately want to but i can't. I'm not paralysed or anything physical my brain just isn't letting me. I continued to lay there not moving a muscle, mainly because i didn't want to wake Leah up as her breathing sounded so peaceful but also because if she wakes up then i will likely have to explain to her what is going on and that isn't something i'm prepared to do. 

Fortunately today we don't have any training so i have nowhere to be. That is probably why i am feeling like this. I can't think of anything worse than getting up today. I just want to sleep and forget about life. I try to go back to sleep but i am just getting pissed off at myself for feeling like this. 

Leah starts to move around slightly and i'm scared she is going to wake up. A few moments later she mumbles something but it's too muffled against my neck for me to understand. I want to ask her what she said but i just can't seem to speak. She holds onto me slightly tighter and breathes out heavily against my neck. It gives me goosebumps and for a short moment, i feel fine again. 

"good morning" she whispers with a rough morning voice. I like that voice. I want to focus on her and the way she is making me feel but I start to get angry at myself again. All i want to do is say good morning back but i can't bring myself to move or speak a word. She lifts her head up to check if i am sleeping and when she sees that i'm not her face is filled with confusion. 

"Ame are you okay?"

I still don't manage to give a reply but do manage a slight nod. 

"not a morning person?" she chuckles lightly. 

I don't do anything. 

She looks at me confused again and slightly worried but leaves it alone. 

"What do you want to do today as we have the day off?" she asks me again. I think at this point she is trying to ask me a question that really requires a response to figure out what is going on.

I close my eyes and let out a frustrated sigh because i still can't manage to get any words out. It is making me feel even worse because i don't want her to think that i am ignoring her now and that we aren't all good because we are. This is a me problem not an us problem, but i can't speak a single word so it is impossible to explain. 

She looks at me slightly frustrated and gets out of bed to get dressed. When she comes out the bathroom and is ready to go to breakfast, i'm still in the exact same position that she left me in. She tries one more time to get me to speak to her "Do you want me to wait for you so we can go to breakfast together?"

As much as i would love to go with her the last thing i want to do right now is eat. Even if i did wan to eat i can't bring myself to move so it's definitely not an option. Instead of replying i just pull the duvet up higher and breathe out heavily. Without another word Leah leaves, shutting the door a bit harder than usual, clearly frustrated. 

The second that the door shuts i burst into tears. I am so angry at myself for sabotaging what i just got with her, whatever that is. I thought i was getting better and it is so frustrating that after all this time without an episode, i get one now. 

Leah's POV:

I woke up this morning in such a good mood. I was still holding Ame and it felt great. That mood was quickly ruined by her ignoring me. She is giving me such mixed signals. I mean last night she told me that we were fine and was begging me to stop ignoring her and now she is ignoring me. I don't want to assume that it has anything to do with me though. I don't know that much about her but she didn't seem like herself this morning.