The Highs and Lows of Being a Lioness

Part 3 - England camp

The last few weeks dragged. I knew things were getting worse again and as much as i wanted to continue playing, there was no way i could hide how i was feeling from a therapist. Unfortunately, she's trained to notice how fucked up i am. I sat in my final session before the England camp fiddling with a rubber band. We hadn't talked the whole session, instead we just sat in silence. 

I knew this was some kind of reverse psychology shit, she knew i would find the silence too awkward and eventually have to make some form of conversation. That's the thing with social anxiety, it's a constant battle between being too scared to start a conversation and being too stressed to sit in an awkward silence. It was starting to get to me and she knew it. Instead of saying anything though, she just continued to sit there watching me carefully. 

It was actually pissing me off. Isn't she supposed to be helping me, not just watching me get more uncomfortable by the second. 

"why are you just watching me?" i snapped 

"because i can learn a lot from doing that, and i've come to realise with you that forcing you to talk to me is extremely unproductive. I can see you weighing up your options, do you speak? do you just suck it up and deal with the silence? Instead of making a decision you're just pinging a rubber band against your wrist harder and harder, and its obviously starting to sting because otherwise you wouldn't be snapping at me"

"oh you think you've got me all figured out don't you" i retorted 

"yes i do actually" she said blankly

"you know nothing about me, all you know is that i'm adopted that's it. YOU DONT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME" i was getting visibly upset at the situation she'd put me in. 

"okay if that's how you feel, let me get to know you" 

"oh what so you can pity me. No thanks"

"i don't pity you Ame, from what i can tell you only have parental issues and you are making it a bigger deal than it needs to be"

"THAT IS NOT TRUE" i was shouting now 

"clearly it is" 

"No it's not. I have depression, crippling social anxiety, i hate everything about myself, i question how anyone could love me constantly, i mean my parents are living proof that no one do-" i stopped talking realising i had been played. She simply smiled at me. Now this was actually quite funny. 

"Oh you little shit, you planned this. Oh my god thats so conniving. Ugh thats so hahahaha. No because that's actually good."

She just simply laughed at this, and i couldn't help but join in. We spent the next few minutes trying to regain focus but just couldn't get the laughter out of our system. Finally she composed herself like the so called professional she is. 

"In all seriousness Ame, i'm proud of you for telling me more about you, its something i hope we can keep doing"

"I want you to work on a few things for me. Go to this England camp with zero expectations, let yourself just exist there, enjoy the football. You get so caught up in what's going on around you and what people think of you, that you never give yourself time to just enjoy life. Im not going to sit here and be like have a cup of tea and a bath and your depression will simply disappear, as i am sure you've probably been told before, but enjoying the experience will help. Take it a little bit at a time, focus on your routine. Before you go to bed each night i want you to write a little list of what you are going to do the next day. I don't mean a to do list but a plan for how your day will go. For example, get up, have a shower, get ready for your training, then eat etc. Do that every night for me at camp even if you feel it's not helping and bring me the lists when you come home from camp okay?."

"i like that idea actually, i will. Are you sure you're not going to coax me into eating a hobnob and pretending the world is all sunshine and fucking rainbows, because that would be pretty on trend for my therapist experience" i joked 

The laughter erupted again

"oh so you think you're funny huh?" she managed to get out in-between laughing.

"well judging by your reaction, yeah"

Soon after i left her office and headed home to pick up my stuff and head to the England camp. 

A couple hours later i arrived. I was excited but also really nervous. Nervous to be playing under Hege, and nervous to be seeing Leah. 

As soon as i walked through the front door someone leapt on me. I knew exactly who this was going to be. 

"KEIRA, omg i missed you gal"

"Ame ugh it has been too long i am so glad you're back bestie"

All the others girls walked over to me and welcomed me back with opens arms. I say all but we both know that Leah only watched from a distance, already looking like she was ready to throttle me. 

"Kei where is Beth?" i said utterly confused. The girl was on fire for arsenal this season yet even though i had missed 6 weeks of football i was picked over her? It didn't seem right. 

"she didn't get picked for the squad. Hege dropped her" kei said, glaring over to Hege. Great i had been here for not even two minutes and I'm already pissed. I had lost my England roomie. 

Me and kei were practically besties at England camps, but she always roomed with Leah and i always roomed with Beth. It's how it had always been and we know how helpful routines are for me. Beth and Kei even know some of the shit i have been through. Not a lot, but some. Sensing it was unsettling me, Kei wrapped her arm around me as we walked into the meeting Hege had called. 

"hey don't worry Ame, i'm sure you'll be roomed with someone you get on with, maybe even less. "

OMG less. i felt kind of awful i hadn't even thought about her since i arrived. My eyes darted around the room looking for her when i spotted her. She and tooney were giggling about something which was no surprise, so i went over to say hi. 

"Ameeeeeeee, come here sis" she wrapped me up in a tight hug. Her hugs always made me feel better, they brought me calmness, nothing ever feels quite as bad after a hug from my older sister. 

Hege cleared her throat as if to tell us to shut up. I have never in my entire life heard a room go so silent that quick. This only confirmed to me that everyone was just as nervous as i was about having her as our manager. 

"Welcome to camp everyone. Few things, your room assignments are on the board behind me, have a look after i finish talking. We are training this week and training hard. You don't impress me, i drop you, simple as that. Get some food and some sleep and i will see you on the pitches in the morning."

Me and kei were sat next to each other in the meeting. She leant over to me whispering "she really knows how to have fun, fucking comedian over here". I was fighting so hard not to let out a giggle, but one escaped. She glared right at me, fuming. Great start Ame. I smacked kei on the arm when Hege's attention was diverted. 

"you prick are you trying to get me dropped on day one!" 

"well not deliberately, but if you smack me again you'll be out that door before dinner" kei whispered seeming almost serious, before a grin appeared on her face.

Hege was watching me again, so instead of piping up  i simply glared at kei as if to warn her not to test me.

With that the meeting was done and i was off to check the new rooming situation. My jaw dropped. It was quite literally on the floor. "what the fuck" i mumbled. 

Right at the top of the list was my name, and next to it was Leah's. How am i supposed to focus on sticking to my routine and "enjoying" the camp when i have to sleep with one eye open. This had to be a joke. Great prank guys, you can bring out Beth now i thought to myself, but this wasn't a joke this woman's sense of humour was the equivalent of my parent's love for me. NONE EXISTENT. 

I picked up my bags from the chair and made my way to our room praying she wouldn't be in there when i arrived so i could unpack in peace before dinner. 

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AN - slay were gearing up now besties, i don't entirely know how i am gonna write this all. i have the big plot points planned but to be honest im mainly winging it