between day and night

blood and uniforms

Okita continues to groan in pain in my arms because of the blood-lust. He continues to breath heavily holding his throat, making me worried sick, so I tighten my arm more firmly around his shoulders, remembering Ava's words...then I ask softly <<Okita...do you need blood?>> and I grimace hearing in my voice sound unsteady and afraid because of the situation. I can't stand to watch Okita suffer, and not be able to help him is something that really scare me. I'm also really scared to hurt him more doing something wrong, since right now we can't know if Ava said the truth, but...

Okita immediately pushes me away from him <<no!>> and looks at me agitated and shaken <<don't want that...I don't need...blood>> but even just saying it seemed to require a great deal of effort on his part <<I don't want to go crazy!>> and he angrily motioned for me to stay back.

I look at him, feeling useless and sad because he's suffering so much...but he seems to want to face this alone. I would do anything to help him, but if he already decided to suffer without doing anything else then....what can I do?

He looks at me for a moment, but then he looks away <<don't make...that face. This is...nothing! it'll pass...soon enough like last time>> and he sigh with a shaken voice. I freeze shocked <<like last time?>> and I frown feeling hurt and angry <<this already happened to you before, hasn't it?! Why didn't you tell me?! I could have helped you! You stubborn idiot!>> but he frowns more, shaking his head in an agitated way <<I already told you...that I don't want blood! I don't need it...I just need to endure it and it'll pass soon enough!>> and with difficult he remained seated on the floor, supporting himself with his hands pressed on the ground.

He didn't look me in the face, but that makes me just more angry <<you're really an idiot! You can't just endure it and wait that it goes away! Ava also told me about...about this. One day you will still go crazy even if you don't drink blood!>> but he looks at me hesitantly and irritated <<no! I can...I can do it. I'm fine...I can endure it, so just...stay there>> but I shake my head, more agitated and scared than before <<you can't ask me something like that, you can't! Maybe for this time you can resist the blood-lust, but if you continue like this and don't drink blood...sooner or later the thirst will be so strong that will destroy your mind. Please Okita...>> but he shakes his head, refusing to listen.

I press my lips together and look down, not knowing what to say or do anymore. I don't want to force him, I just want him to know that he doesn't have to go through this alone. In the end the choice is his, but he needs to know the risks and that I'm ready to do anything to help him...anything.

I sigh and whisper <<if you want...you can have my blood>> and I hear him gasps a little, but I continue to speak with a soft voice <<I don't know what effect my fear might have on your body over time, but last time nothing happened and so...if you drink it now you might feel better>> and I look at him, ready to explain everything that Ava told me, but when I see his face I couldn't bring myself to speak more. He widen his eyes shocked, but also...scared and hesitant. I never saw him doing a face like this, but...it's not like when I see something new from him. Every time I found out a new aspect of Okita I was happy, but now...that face...I just hope that this is the last time he has to do it.

He looks at me for a long moment, but then he looks away <<but even if I agree to drink blood...I might still go crazy. And if I lose...if I go crazy...how am I supposed to help Kondo-san?!>> and he looks at me again, with a pained look on his face <<I'm fine...I can handle this, so just don't...don't make that face. I'm Kondo-san disciple...what kind of a pussy do you think I am?! Didn't you say you considered me extraordinary?!>> and he frown looking at me with accusing eyes.