GOLDWING (ing version)

chapter 52

He was thin, rotting thin, his facial bones were more obvious than ever, and I didn't need to touch his hair to realise it was weak, I could see his ribcage through his button-down shirt. His eyes watched mine with endless emptiness. And I didn't know what to do, what to react, what to feel, what to speak. Sometimes it seems that when we really need it, our body inhibits us from any emotion to protect us, because I left that place without letting a single tear out, and went on my way the way I knew.

People who wanted to be part of my circle of friends were coming my way at every moment. Producers, creative directors, musicians and artists were telling me they loved me. And the saddest thing was that the only person who didn't love me was myself. And it's so bad when you're bad and no one notices, even when you're the centre of attention.

The order of entry was clear, and did not follow traditional rules. Already late, Ethan and Laura entered the space together, lit by stained glass windows and the fascinated looks of everyone present, with smiles on their faces. On the opposite side of the room from where I was passing, was Dam, carrying a small box with the rings, while I held the bouquet. Francesca, Laura's favourite writer, was the one who officiated the union, with her expensive and wise words, and soon the two of them said their big yes. I didn't know how special a wedding could be until I had mine and started seeing people close to me having that dream.

I remember everything went so fast that even the pictures they took of us lasted longer than the initial part. I wanted so much to be genuinely happy, I had reasons to be happy and to be a happy person. But deep down, my face was nothing more than a mask. There were a few photos that Dam and I had to land together, and feeling his arm intertwined in mine I felt no stability, and it always felt like he was a diamond and could fall off at any moment. Now that I look back, I realise something was wrong, but I was too self-centred and melancholic to feel anything.

The party continued, with vintage music, sounds of high heels and exquisite food. I could observe all this being between four walls. Harp's desire to stay with me was enormous, and I didn't know if I wanted to stay there or not. Because without her the world was too real, and with her nothing could shake me, and being in her presence gave me a comfort incomparable to anything. If I looked in the mirror, I would quickly see a thousand flaws and want to throw it all away, or I could accept that this was normal. And those personas needed to co-exist, in a world that was anything but fair, and I didn't want to admit that.

Near 8 o'clock at night, I felt my door open. I had already fallen asleep, and was still on my heels on the bed when this illusion of the perfect world ended.

Somehow I could see Leo walking up the outside stairs, and not even half an hour later, he was standing there in front of me, wearing the same cizzy suit he wears on every possible occasion. We hadn't seen each other for over half a year, and something about him brought back a familiar atmosphere from times gone by.

"So, how is it all going?"

"Exhausting and new. Who knew raising this little speck of people was going to be so hard?" I smiled.

"I meant I wanted to know how you were doing, because I can see that at least Harper is."

"I don't need to talk about it. She's fine, and that's all that matters."

"Victoria de Angelis," he paused calmly, "are you okay?"

"Of course everything's fine. Except for the fact that I look like a whale, that my nights feel like mornings, that I gave birth to a child while your father should have had his hands on the body of a woman who wasn't me. So honestly, do you think I'm OK? At this point even I don't know anymore."

"Vitto," he said.

"By the way, I'm at a career standstill. And it must be easy to deal with addictions in the eyes of others, don't you think? Because they take photos of me less than a year ago sleeping on an English pedestrian crossing and they see me now, and they think it was magic. But my magic ended when a certain someone locked me in hotel rooms so I couldn't consume, and then he was so drunk he lost his keys and I was left starving. And after you find it again being blind, with no map and no directions, it starts to disappear again, even though you already have the path mapped out to get to it, hence you have every reason to have it. So, draw your own conclusions. Because for me and that crazy Portuguese guy, perhaps only in a world of the blind will things be what they truly are."

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Hi people! 

I apologize but now the publishing progress is taking twice long, because I started writing on paper. Luckily, I feel that my writing is better when I write in manually.

If anyone wants to know, the "crazy Portuguese guy" that Victoria refers in the last 3 line is the Literature Nobel Prize Winner José Saramago, and it comes from his book 'Blindness':)

How do you guys feel about this chapter? let me know!!

love,

mel.