GOLDWING (ing version)

chapter 39

DAMIANO'S POV

A round of solo shows in Europe and the US as a band passed, Vic and I were going to have more time for the two of us as a couple and duo. Lullabyes on Tour was starting 2 days after the band's last show in America, in Washington. Tickets sold out worldwide within 30 minutes, which generated very good feedback and revenue. After that time of about 1 and a half months on tour, the marathon of festivals would begin. That was just what I needed at that moment. A distraction, from all the pain, loneliness and longing that my inner self felt.

We were in Stockholm when she turned 25. In face time with our friends and family, we sang Happy Birthday to her with a small cupcake in a reserved restaurant and a candle bought in a random shop by someone from our staff, right after one of our concerts at Avicii Arena. The light of the candle refected in her eyes as if it was a mirror. It was our third date, the third of many. As time passed, they were adding even more dates to our schedule, which meant that the demand was such that we could win out by adding extra dates, or surprise shows.

If anyone was at the height of their happiness at that moment it was Victoria, who after going through many storms, had started to see more and more rays of sunshine coming her way. In essence, those were the stages of grief, which we were both going through.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross describes them being:

denial and isolation. It acts as a buffer, so that the subject gets used to such a situation;

anger. It arises when it is no longer possible to deny this painful fact and there is a feeling of revolt. Like, "Why me and not someone else?";

bargaining. When we begin to hope for a cure or life extension in exchange for actions that promise to do; depression. 2 words can describe this. Loneliness and longing;

acceptance. After experiencing enormous feelings and anguish, anger for those who are not forced to face death and lamentation, the person has managed to overcome all this, and now, longing becomes quieter, one feels more at peace and begins to be able to organise oneself in life. The feeling that all these stages have in common is hope. In fact, even the most resigned of people hope for a cure. And the absence of hope is the harbinger of the end.

In 3 months, I have seen and been through it all. I also witnessed living it with a person who is very important to me. I saw Vic in denial as soon as she woke up, in anger when she understood the situation, in isolation, in bargaining by praying every day, in the deepest state of her depression. Now, it was still difficult to move towards a path of acceptance. Accepting the truth was not easy. And in a way, I felt I had to accelerate my grief to help Vic do hers. Because in certain situations, I believe that if we hadn't gone through it together, she couldn't handle it. I'm not calling her weak, in fact, she's one of the strongest people I've ever met, and she's aware of that herself.

The album has 12 tracks: Heal; OTC; Rehab; Addict; sorry; tears dry; IYWS; december; home; my little love;  nights; forevermore.

If you Were Sober was written by me the same early morning she first introduced me to Rehab, Sorry, Nights and Home. We were at my house, a few months after she almost died. I can still remember her, sitting in front of my sofa with the oxygen wire running through her body until it reached her nose, with the guitar in her torso, playing the chords while trying to remember the lyrics to some songs. I wrote IYWS with this vision of her of the last months, of the drinking, the abuse, the arguments, the insomnia, the crying I heard many times at night from her hotel room, saying how much I wanted to help her and she wouldn't accept, or how much I wanted to forget all our "bad phases". And that it would all be so much easier if she was sober. That was the strongest song I've written in my entire career, and it doesn't compare one bit to Coraline. They were different people in different circumstances. I was afraid they were going to find out one day about Vic's story over those months, because that also meant that it was going to become increasingly clear that that song was for her, and about her.

When we took Coraline to SanRemo and I revealed who I was talking about in the song... I feel like I messed up the whole concept of the song. Although the person accepted the disclosure of the truth, Coraline was initially a fable. And it still is. But people have messed up her concept, and think the song is only for that one girl. The song was never just hers, it's for all the people who have had the misfortune to face similar situations. That's why I hug a fan every time they show me a tattoo about Coraline. Coraline is about me, about Thomas, about Ethan, Victoria. We all have a little Coraline inside us: a little girl who can't find her space in the world because she's too pure and fragile. At heart, Coraline represents the sensitivity and insecurity of all of us. A while ago, they fell all over Victoria for smiling while I was singing Coraline, while I was still with Giorgia. That was one of the dumbest things I've ever seen. Like, it's a song she wrote, too. Why would she want to make fun of something that she helped create and is proud of it, something that in a way she also identified with at the time. That's the reason why Vic and I agreed never to divulge the true meaning of the song. Because from then on, the world would see WYWS only for Vic. But as I said before, that's stupid. Fucking stupid.

Art is for everyone, and everyone has the right to identify with art by artists they admire. That's why, in every introduction to our concerts, a phrase is always there. "These songs are for everyone who has ever been in recovery situations, whatever the context. Consider yourselves allowed to identify with it, and immerse yourselves in the songs just as Victoria and I have immersed ourselves in them." 

"Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you." Fix You, Coldplay.