GOLDWING (ing version)

chapter 51

My heart was fragile, my feelings confused. It's obvious that we never imagine that we are going to be betrayed by the people who love us the most, but it happens. Sometimes I wished I had never found that out. So we continued living in a lie, but happy, sharing sinks when brushing our teeth, watching films in the early morning serenade, telling funny experiences in each other's ears, feeling the warmth of his sighs on my neck, the sensitivity of his scars.

Sure he'd want another one, I thought. I wasn't rotten thin anymore, nor did I have a symmetrical chest, or a slim waist, or the energy I had before. A 19-year-old model with everything falling into place would be a better choice, right? A woman who likes to party at night, drink, smoke, do drugs, like I was when fame affected me. I felt inadequate, for having dismissed him too many times, for not being as loving as I thought I should be.

Two weeks passed, and at almost 37 weeks, the maternity bag was ready, the room was organized. That was the only thing that made me happy, knowing that within weeks I would have my daughter in my arms. But the closer it got, the more I got scared. After all, in the middle of all this, Dam didn't call, didn't show up.

The wedding was getting closer, causing unintentional pressure from my work colleagues to lead me into rivers of confused mental scheming, which usually ended up in charcoal venting. Many people don't understand the meaning of couture pieces because of this, because they only look at the colours that match, and not the contrasts of fabrics and volumes, which in my pieces, have meaning.

The only part that didn't put me at the point of having a nervous breakdown about the ceremony was the food testing. I was that kind of pregnant woman who loved sweets, especially cakes, and anything that would keep my blood sugar stable, so Laura would invite me to go with her to culinary workshops all the time. And this time was no different, and we did a cake tasting in one of the most affluent streets in town. The uniform was plain: a pair of grey joggers with a white shirt, one of the only clothes I still felt comfortable in, my hair tied up in a messy bun, and dark circles under my eyes were clearly visible. The cake was Laura's choice, red velvet. It was great, it's one of those things that no one can deny eating.

With a satisfied stomach and a box with some doughnuts, I arrived at the hotel entrance almost crashing into another taxi, which led to a few exchanges of words between the drivers. And on the other side of the vehicle the door opens, and I see a suit-clad figure standing in front of me. Ethan has always been my dear partner for so many things, has saved my life several times, and always welcomes me anywhere with open arms and wise words, and has been instrumental in my future decisions, and I'm never going to be able to repay him for all that.

A good few minutes of conversation later, I was back in my hotel room, a large space, with ocean blue cushions, glass tables and a comfortable sofa that could accommodate up to 3 people. I felt such an emptiness inside when I was alone, I no longer recognized the Victoria who never needed anything or anyone to be happy, who never really existed, but lived eternally in my head. It hurt to accept that I was suffering but that my tears were forced to go unnoticed.

 I had entered the bathroom wearing the hotel dressing gown, which didn't even complete a decent knot. I was waiting for the water to warm up, until I felt my feet get wet. My water just had broken. Don't panic, I thought. It was only a matter of time before these pains became so regular that I was afraid to get out of bed, and I called Laura, who dialled the emergency number. In the blink of an eye, I was on a gurney going from the car park to an ambulance, and so many images crossed my eyes. In one of them, Damiano was there, holding my hand. I asked them to call, but he didn't answer.

Laura accompanied me through the whole process, and Ethan was barred from the afternoon schedule. That day she was the support I really needed, woman to woman. She wiped all the tears coming out of my eyes, helped me time my contractions and was a great conversation partner. On Facetime with Ethan, he told her to do Slow Dancing, like he used to do with me. And suddenly I'd close my eyes and it felt like I was in the hospital in Paris again, feeling his hands on my back, my head on his shoulder. It was all the same, I was going through this all over again.

My adrenaline was up, my diabetes was low. Those symptoms have to do with each other, because when your glucose is low, more adrenaline is released. And the worries came back again: if the baby was OK, if I was OK, if they were going to cut me again.

The hours went by. It was 11pm and I was in active labour screaming in pain, and only 5 centimetres dilated. A pressure on my cervix and abdomen were killing me. Minute by minute was passing and I was waiting for Dam to come through the door, but he didn't.

At 3:45am on a cold early morning, my rainbow baby was born weighing 10 pounds right. Harper Aria de Angelis. After almost 12 hours in labour, she was there, in my arms. She was so small, so white, with tiny hands.I felt like I had been a mother for the first time. That  yes, I had been given the chance to be happy. After they took her for a little check-up, the nurses helped me get another outfit on. I put on a pair of mint-coloured linen pyjamas, open at the front. Harper had one just like it.

The next morning, I was taught how to bathe, how to breastfeed. It's not that I didn't know any of that before, but watching it happen didn't feel real. Watching the bond we had, her comfort when she lay on me, my happiness at every moment was something inexplicable.From that moment I knew, it was going to be just me and her. And her and me. Forever.

{Aria (in the background): Don't cry mamma, we don't have any more time.}

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hi peeps!! I had this chapter way too long under my wing, and way afraid to publish it, but it's here! give me thoughts about it. 

mel.