Behind The Alpha Book 7 Graham

Chapter 2

(Chapter song ‘If You Want Love’ by NF)
GRAHAM

‘NOOOO!’
The shock hits you first before the pain. 
You can’t believe it.  Your mind can’t process it.  You convince yourself it’s not real.  This isn’t happening to me.  It can’t.  I wasn’t done yet.  Don’t do this to me.  This can't be my fate.
I remember looking at the blade buried in my chest.  I remember looking into Eternity’s eyes. 
I remember seeing Sawyer hit the sand.  I remember chuckling with a shaky voice.  I beat him to it.  Me.  I was the one.  I was the sacrifice and I was happy about that. 
It’s OK, Sawyer.  It’s fine.  I feel the tear that falls at the sight of my friend.
‘Let go!’
I feel Eternity try to pull my hands off as I hold onto him.  I remember feeling the ground start to shake beneath our feet.  I see our bodies start to vibrate.
The pain.   It wasn’t what I thought it would be.  You think the 8 inch blade would be the source, but it wasn’t. 
My pain was in the eyes staring at me as my life ended.  Seeing them filled with pain and disbelief.  The pain of my heartbreak at the thought of never seeing these faces again. 
I remember looking up at the blue moon and realizing…mine will never come.  I’ll never have my shot.  I bet she was beautiful and I hoped that she will he happy without me.
Then it came.  The boiling.  The separation. 
It’s weird.  I’ve seen the movement of atoms countless time, but when it’s your own atoms moving so fast that they start to repel each other, it truly was amazing. 
As the blade protected itself, it moved my atoms so tremendously, I actually saw them fly away.  One by one into the cosmos. 
I can hear my screams.  I remember the heat and light as the attack progressed. 
I remember watching Sawyer pull Zander out of the way as Eternity tried to get himself off me.  He was stuck just as I was and it the best damn thing I ever did.  I was a hero.  I saved Zander and my job was done as far as I was concerned.
Just before the end, I remember thinking, at least I’m going out with a bang.  I did to. 
I fucking exploded Eternity’s ass right into space as all my atoms collected their energy and the heat blew them apart.  My tiny little building blocks were gone.  I was nothing. 
I felt nothing.  Saw nothing.  I was truly wiped from existence. 
So, how am I here, sweating profusely from the reoccurring nightmare of my death?  Well, thanks to the Cosmic joker, Destiny, he spent over a year collecting me.  Atom by atom like an Easter hunt among the stars. 
For over a year, I floated around in peace.  It’s weird.  I was nothing, not even a ghost, but I swear I began to feel things.  I observed the galaxy.  There were no pearly gates.  No big man sitting on a throne.  Just the wide expanse of dark matter.  I saw things man can only dream of seeing.  Want to know what the inside of a black hole looks like?  It’s black and a hole.  OK. Bad joke.  Sorry.
It truly was me, my thoughts and my memories drifting past planets and stars.  Feeling one with whatever makes us. 
When Destiny started piecing me together, I don’t think I protested at all.  I don’t think I wanted it either.  It was indifferent.  An experience I had no opinion on.
Then the test came.  He said he wanted to see how I felt.  I said ok. 
I didn’t think I’d want to go back, but the minute I saw Owen turn around in that parking lot, I wanted to go home. 
I hugged him so tight.  I felt his pain.  I know it wasn’t his fault he wasn’t there and honestly, I don’t think he would’ve changed anything.
When I saw everyone in that room filled with love, hope and devotion, I remember thinking, damn I want that.  Watching Owen understand why he had to fight no matter what, I thought, I should practice what I preach.  Why turn my back when I have a chance that people beg for everyday?
I also solidified my choice when I had to say goodbye again.  I watched my friend walk away and in my heart I begged him to stay with me.  But he had important business.  It wasn’t about me.  None of it was about me really.  I was just another step.  Another piece in the game. 
After, I told Destiny to finish the job and he did. 
To be solid felt so weird.  To feel everything together again was good.  I liked it, but I knew this didn’t come free. 
I pushed that aside though.  When I saw them all on that road, I thought I was the luckiest bastard on the planet.  I mean, yeah, we bring people back with the pool, but back from oblivion?  That’s a whole other level.  You’re told you deserve it, but you know in your heart you don’t. 
You constantly think to yourself, why me?  There’s others more deserving.  I just stepped in front of a knife.  How is that worth having your atoms put back together?  It took me a while, but then I figured out it wasn’t for me, it was for them.  They deserve it.  They were broken.  They saved the goddamn universe and they were broken because of it.  They didn’t deserve that.  I get it.  I’m a prize for locking Eternity up.  I can accept that, though I’m sure now, they wished they hadn’t got the runner up prize. 
I scrub a hand down my face, shake off these thoughts and throw my sheets off. 
I plant my feet on the floor and reach over to the nightstand.  My trembling hands put my glasses on so I can see.  I’m not an expert on human jigsaw puzzles, but I think Destiny put some pieces in the wrong spots. 
I stumble out of my small bedroom to the small bathroom.  I turn the water on, push my glasses up to the top of my head and splash water on my face.  I sit up and squeeze the water off my cheeks. 
I open the cabinet and lower my glasses to read the medication bottles on the shelves. I guess there’s some things my wolf can’t heal anymore.  Like anxiety, depression and severe migraines.  Damaged retinas, weak ocular nerves and tremors. 
I take some pills and drink some water. 
I run my fingers through my shoulder length, dirty blonde, curly hair and pull it into a bun. 
I put drops in my blue eyes and down a tall glass of water. 
I walk through my small apartment in the lower end of Phoenix city. 
Stopping in the kitchen, I pop some bread in the toaster.  My place isn’t much.  It’s the poster apartment for the lonely bachelor.  I’m not a slob, but I’m not a neat freak either.  There’s piles of books and papers on tables.  A well sat on couch.  Mostly it’s slept on.  I barely sleep in bed when I can sleep at all.  Dishes are done, but the kitchen is empty.  Just a fridge, stove and sink.  I do have a small second floor with an office in it.  It’s like an escape.  I usually just sit and there and think. 
I do a lot of thinking actually. 
I open the fridge and it’s empty.  I nod.  Right I forgot to buy food…again.  I slam the fridge. 
I go to my room and find a suit.  After doing up my tie, I walk back to my toaster and pull out the toast.  I eat it as I scroll though my messages.
All that’s there is questions from students and my beta reminding me I have a therapy session and that’s about it.  This is my life now. 
I finish my breakfast and pack my briefcase.  I grab papers and slides for my classes and head for the door.  The good thing is, I still got a good job to keep me occupied. 
Jake gave me a teachers position at Phoenix University as a biology professor since they gave my position in the Unit's Science department to someone else because I was…you know…dead.  They offered it back, but I didn’t think it was fair.  The guy who’s running the department now is brilliant.  I can’t take that from him.  Besides, I’m not into it anymore.  I like teaching.  It’s…calmer. 
But this is what I was talking about.  You’d think you could just jump right back in like nothing ever happened.  That’s totally not true. 
Besides the sight and shaky hands, there’s the lowered muscle mass.  I’ve tried to bulk up, but it seems I don’t have the strength anymore.  There’s the diminished senses.  I just don’t hear as well as I used to. 
The icing on the cake.  Fear.
Yeah, I said it.  I’m a coward.  Even my wolf runs are just short strolls and right back home.  We’re both terrified to die again.  I haven’t swung a punch in seven years.  I can’t.  I’ve lost all ability to fight.  It also doesn’t help that I miss time occasionally.
I suffer blackouts.  I don’t know why, but every now and then, I black out and wake up in a place and time I don’t remember anything about.  I try to piece it together, but nobody’s helpful, they just look at me like I’m nuts. 
So, I decided to retire from service.  I’m a liability now.
Some prize, huh? 
I try not to let it bother me, but it does when I can remember my old life.  The adventures I use to go on to discover new animals and analyze the treasures this world has to offer.  Now, I can barely board my bus without sweating like a pig. 
OK.  Enough of the pity parade.  I'll move on to things I do contribute to the cause. 
I’ve been studying these new Hyper rogues and the Dire wolf evolution.  It’s fascinating.  This was one thing I never would have considered.  That it’s possible for a rogue wolf to evolve so much, his situation becomes less of a hardship and actually becomes beneficial. 
I mean, there had been plenty of theories that rogues would eventually turn pack, but never to this extent. 
I need to know the secret.  I’m told Owen is in contact with Oliver Fredericks who apparently discovered the mutation.  He’s supposed to come here and show us what he did, but it won’t be for a while yet.  He has “shit to do.”  I thought I found it odd that he would show up at one of my lectures.  It makes sense that he’s mate is a Dire Wolf.  Lucky him. 
I climb onto the city bus and carefully walk to a seat in the middle of the bus.  I sink into the seat and place my briefcase on my lap.  I watch the city pass by and analyze the faces. 
Happy, content, miserable and tired.  People who are whole.  They have dreams and goals.  They build things and add to the city. 
I know I add to it by educating our youth, just some days I wish I could more. 
The bus stops in front of the unit at the top of 1st street and I walk up to the door.
“Have a good day, Professor.” 
“Thanks, Charles.”  I smile and walk off. 
I wait for the bus to leave as I drop my briefcase to my side and straighten my tie. 
I walk to the guardhouse.  “Hi, Murray.”  I wave. 
“Professor, Mitchell.  You’re early.”  He steps out.
I motion to the street.  “The…The bus was a few minutes…” 
He chuckles.  “I got cha.”  He opens the man gate.  “Have a good day.”
“I will.  You too.”  I step through gate and cross the parking lot. 
Just before I get halfway, I hear squealing tires and a revving engine.
A loud honk makes me jump out of my skin as Deacon speeds into the lot.
I grip my heart as I try to catch my breath.  I scowl at him as he drives by.
“Sorry!”  He waves out the window and goes to look for a spot.  Fucking guy is going to kill someone.  Most likely me. 
I take a few more calming breaths and continue on into the unit. 
The university is at the back on the first floor.  It was an addition added on 13 years ago.  Now, it’s one of the top universities in the country.  We’ve maxed out the rooms and are now planning on building another campus out by Quinn’s Youth center.  Phoenix is really growing.  Nothing gets this city down.  We always come back better and stronger.  I wish I did. 
Once I check in, I head to my lecture hall.  For the next three hours, I can talk about something I love and not think. 
I walk out to my desk in the middle of the stage.  Beyond that is fifteen rows of desks filled with university students here to learn about the Genetics of shifters and their subspecies. 
“Good morning, everyone!  I trust everyone is eager to learn…” 
A ringing grows in my ear and my eyes close as I wince. 
I open them and almost fall out of my chair. 
The room is dark, filled with colored spotlights and loud booming music. 
“So, I was thinking of dying my hair red.  What do you think?”
My brows stitch up as turn my head slowly to the blonde woman sitting across from me at a small high top table.  In front of me is Pina colada.  What?
I glance out to a packed dance floor and the front of the bar is also packed. 
I lean on the table.  “Where the hell am I?”