Never Really Over

Chapter 43

England beat Romania 1-0 in the last warm up game. Fresh from the Champions League final, none of the Chelsea or Manchester City players are involved and John watches the game from the stands. On the return journey to the hotel the seat next to John is empty, he can't really blame anyone for not wanting to sit next to him, he knows he has been a miserable cunt these last few days.

"Don't even bother," John locks eyes with Beth as she boards the bus and hovers over the empty seat. She wants to sit down and force him to talk to her. 18-year-old Beth would have sat down without a second thought, but she is battle weary now. The last thing she wants is another scene, so with her tail between her legs she takes a seat further down the bus next to Dom.

"How long's he going to keep this up?" She throws her head against the seatback and sighs deeply. She was sure John would have wavered a little by now, but he is more stubborn than she gave him credit for.

*

John successfully avoids Beth for almost the entirety of the next day. There's training in the morning for everyone who didn't play against Romania, ending with a two-touch session that John declares himself champion of, but if you were to ask around, the other players might give a different answer. It's the best start to the day and John's mood is boosted. It's cheat day, and John has fish and chips for lunch with lashings of salt and vinegar. He savours every single bite, letting the taste linger on his lip for hours afterwards. In the afternoon he plays golf with some of the lads. He only agrees to a round to stop everyone pestering him what seemed like every hour of the day, but the laughter of the others is contagious and eventually he finds himself joining in. When he sits down to dinner, he has a smile on his face and his skin has a sun-kissed glow.

Beth watches him subtly, from the corner of her eye whilst stirring the chilli she has been served around her bowl (it's Mexican night, the beef is spicy, she thinks probably too spicy for John) and hopes that the fact John looks so much happier than he did yesterday means that his mood is starting to thaw and soon he will be willing to talk to her.

After dinner John goes to the hotel bar to play pool. Eventually the other boys start to drift off to bed, most of them have girlfriends, wives or kids they want to call and say goodnight too. For the first time today, John's mood starts to falter as he imagines what JJ is doing now. He has found himself doing this a lot since Gigi left. He still looks up the milestones James should be hitting and pictures the little boy JJ has become. He might be potty trained now. Might have started resisting his nap. He's probably in a big boy bed now. He'll be picking up new words all the time. John always loved James' little feet in baby gros, he liked the feeling of the soft cotton brushing against his own skin when he let James playfully nudge his feet against his cheeks. When James turned two it seemed to be harder and harder for Georgia to find the babygros John liked, she told him it was probably time for big boy pyjamas, but John had resisted, and in February they were still squeezing James' little feet into babygros that were almost too small for him. John knows that almost four months on, there's no way those babygros fit anymore. He worries if James' feet get cold at night now, does he still kick the blankets off like he used to do when they stopped using a sleep sack?! Does he wear socks to bed even though he always hated socks?! Ever since he was tiny, he'd kick them off, then when he was old enough to he'd pull them off and throw them away, giggling like it was a game. John and Georgia would find socks strewn around the house in the strangest of places, sometimes socks would be lost forever and every time Georgia did the weekly shop, she would have to pick up a new packet of socks for JJ, that was how often socks disappeared.

John glances down at his own feet, he's wearing trainers, with no socks, because he doesn't like socks, hates how sweaty they make his feet, and he realises for the first time, that James probably just wanted to be like him. Another argument for nurture over nature, it didn't matter what James' birth certificate said, John was still his role model, still his father. He swallows hard, trying to choke back tears that are threatening, and turns his attention to Keiran. He doesn't want to be alone right now, doesn't want his mind going back to the dark place it just ventured to. He needs the distraction that being around people all day provides.