Never Really Over

Chapter 38

The thing about kids is that you always have to put their needs before your own. When Beth hangs up after telling John they are over, in what he presumes is just another of her tantrums, he doesn’t have time to call her back straight away, even though he wants to. James is in his arms and it is bedtime. With a sense of dread in his stomach John goes through the bedtime routine, milk, teeth, story, cuddles, then bed.

Tonight, however, he is too distracted to take the painstaking care that James is used to from him. He tries to take the milk away before James has sipped the very last dregs from the bottom of the sippy cup making James whine unhappily at him. Then he is a little too rough with the toothbrush and James starts wriggling underneath him, desperate to get away. There are tears, which always upsets John so he does a lackluster job of brushing that he’s sure Gigi will have a go at him for. He races through James’ book at pace, never pausing to look over the pictures, and James impatiently keeps trying to turn the pages back. By the cuddle stage James is confused as to why John is not sticking to the routine he knows so well and won’t settle, instead of gently tugging on the drawstrings of John’s hoodie like he usually does as he drifts off, JJ is pulling roughly on them and giggling as John keeps pulling them out of his little hands, scolding him lightly with a tone that isn’t at all threatening, not like the one from Mummy that James already know means ‘stop that right now or something bad is going to happen’ like taking away the toy he just threw at her, or the ice cream he was smearing into the table instead of eating it.

John has always been more patient with James than Gigi has, ever since he was a tiny baby. He thinks it’s because guys don’t have to deal with the same hormones girls have that rage through their bodies at different points of the month impacting their moods, Whilst Georgia can get short tempered and snappy with the baby, and then end up in tears because she feels guilty about it, John is always laid back and easy going, even when James is being a terror. But tonight, he feels completely wrung out, he needs to get back to Beth and he doesn’t have the time he usually has to dote on James.

“JJ please,” he begs as he lies James down in his cot, normally he wouldn’t do this until James had nodded off in his arms, but tonight he doesn’t have time for that. James cries and kicks his legs inside his sleeping bag, reaching his arms out to John wanting to be picked up. “Please mate.” Stressed, John runs a hand through his hair and uses the other to gently rub James’ chest. “It’s bedtime now.”

The commotion has disturbed Georgia, John hears her footsteps on the stairs and his heart sinks; he hasn’t given JJ his full attention and he’s been caught out; she’s going to be annoyed he should be paying attention to the baby but he’s thinking about Beth.

“What’s going in here?!” Georgia says affectionately from the doorway; she is used to JJ pushing his luck if one tiny part of his routine is unsettled. John usually executes things perfectly so it strange to see the baby fussing for him.

“Sorry,” John looks over at her guiltily. “He won’t go down.”

John watches helplessly as Georgia scoops James up and scolds him softly for playing up, his cries quickly turn to whimpers now he is back in someone’s arms.

“Go call her back,” Georgia whispers; John was right, she had heard everything. His face falls, he doesn’t like the idea of Georgia thinking things with Beth are anything less than perfect. “I’ve got this.” James is sucking contently on his dummy now and looks like he is settling. “John,” she laughs lightly. She’s thinking that John is being typically oversensitive, thinking he is useless because James wouldn’t go to sleep for him just one time. “He’s taking the mick out of you. Stop thinking you’re some kind of failure.”

Maybe he isn’t a failure as a stepfather, or whatever it is he is to James, but he is certainly a failure as a boyfriend, at least Beth thinks he is, and he is brooding over this as he leaves Georgia and James alone. He doesn’t know how to balance things to keep everyone satisfied.