Never Really Over

Chapter 40

June 2021

If John's heart was not already broken having lost both Beth and James in a matter of months, it was after that night in Porto. The pain of losing the Champions League final was so raw that it momentarily overrode all the good things about the season. When John returns to Barnsley ahead of the Euros for a few days of downtime with his family, he is quiet and introspective reminding Janet of how he would get as a little boy whenever he was feeling down but this time there is no Jenny or Georgia on hand to cheer him up.

"Cheer up Eeyore," Janet ruffled John's hair as she placed a mug of tea next to his bed. She felt a wave of relief wash over her, knowing his mood must be improving as he found the energy to duck away from her, just like he did for anyone who wasn't Beth.

"Mum," he grumbled, sounding every inch the little boy, he seemed to regress into the moment he stepped through the front door of this house. He batted her hand away and fluffed his hair back up again. It was a balmy early summer day, and the humidity meant his curls were a little wild.

"I'm going to the garden centre later if you want to come?" She was worried about him; he had been home since Sunday; arriving straight from the airport and had barely left this room in the two days he had been here. The current COVID rules meant he couldn't see his friends, but he hadn't even left the house for a walk.

"We could get some lunch." The garden centre has a café that sells delicious toasties the size of a doorstep. Janet used to take Jenny a lot when she was a little when John was at football training to make her feel special when John's hobby took up so much of the family's time, maybe it was time John got to feel special too albeit a decade or two too late.

"I'm okay thanks," John tore his eyes away from his phone to give what he hoped was a reassuring smile. "Just wanna chill." He looked silly in his old single bed, he was far too big for it now like Buddy in Elf but he liked it, he felt safe here, like he was a little boy again waiting for his life to begin and not the man he had become who already felt his life was over because everyone he loved was gone.

"Okay," Janet relents, her eyes moving to the open window. It was a warm day, but she knew it was open for a reason beyond that. John was hoping to hear James playing in Georgia's parents' garden. Georgia had stayed there for a while after she had left John, she had moved on now, Janet didn't know where to, but she had noticed that the little clothes had stopped hanging on the washing line and she no longer heard the sweet laughter of the little boy John had desperately been missing for months as he played outside.

"Shall we have fish and chips for tea?"

John is tempted but he joins up with the England squad to begin prep for the Euros on Friday, now is not the time for a cheat meal. "Best not," he says forlornly, then sighs deeply and returns to the activity that had been consuming him since the Everton game.

What is going on!?

He stares at the still unread message her sent to Beth that day. Watching her status sporadically switching between online and off, he has spent more time than was healthy doing that this, but nothing ever changed, she didn't open his message, never mind reply.

*

"This looks nice Mum, thanks," John slide into his seat at the dining table and looked hungrily at the healthy fish and chips Janet had made for him purely with the aim of cheering him up. Food was fuel to John these days, and it wasn't every night something was dietitian approved and tasty. Janet had looked up the recipe over a cuppa and slice of cake at the garden centre and picked up the ingredients on her way home. She was pleased with how the baked fish had turned out with its crispy crumb in place of batter, her only worry was that Peter, who was a meat and two veg kind of man, did not turn up his nose at the sweet potato wedges in place of the chunky chips he would have been expecting.