F1/F2/F3 One Shots

The Moon - AA23

You lay on the grass, staring up at the stars. God how you missed him. It had been 8 months since your boyfriend had died in a 'racing incident' and you were still learning to cope. Everything that had happened since he'd been gone was beyond surreal. All you wanted was for him to be here telling you how much he loved you and how proud he was of you.

You pictured him laying next to you, talking about anything and everything. He talked about everything with such passion and excitement that filled everyone around him with that same joy. 

You imagined what you'd say to him and what he'd say back. He'd talk about the animals, George, Lando, Max, his future with you.

The thoughts filled you with tears. You missed him beyond words and wanted nothing more than to spend even just 5 minutes with him. He was your world and when he died, your universe collapsed. 

You stroked your thumb over your 8 month pregnant belly. You didn't even know you were pregnant at the race and even though there was nothing you could've done to change that, you constantly wished there was. You would've been less than a week pregnant at the time.

You couldn't help but think that Alex had sent the little baby from above.

Without realising you were even doing it, you were talking. There was no-one around so you didn't stop yourself.

"Hey, Alex. I miss you so much. I guess you've probably been watching over us down here. Your brother finished his degree, your sisters, they're doing ok and your mum, she's getting there. I go over most Sundays for dinner. It's nice to see them. I don't want to lose more people because we've lost you. Your mum was so happy when I told her I'm pregnant. It was a break from everything for her.

"You're going to be a dad. It's a little boy. I'm thinking I'm going to name him Ayden. A-Y-D-E-N. It means from the moon. I remember you told me, 'when I die, I'm not going to be in the sunset. I'm going to be in the moon. Sunsets aren't permanent, they only happen once a day, but with the moon you know that even when you can't see it, it's there. Even if you can't see me, I'll always be there for you and looking over you.' You sent Ayden, Alex. Didn't you?" you said.

The tears were now beyond controllable but once again, you didn't stop yourself. The next words which came out of your mouth, you never would've expected but you felt like you needed to say them.

"You're a f*cking d*ckhead. You know that?" you said, laughing slightly, before bursting into tears. You couldn't stop them coming and part of you didn't want to. You sobbed uncontrollably as you looked up at stars.

It was what you needed to say. You were sick of the pity looks and people trying to push you away yet have you close to comfort you. Alex had felt unwell but wanted to race and then it rained. He should of backed away and let someone take his place, someone who was feeling their best, someone who could properly focus but no, he was adamant.

When he'd died you were angry but all you could do was cry. You were beyond p*ssed at him but society doesn't expect people to be angry and lash out so you pushed it down, until this moment. You said what you needed to.