Clara (book 3)

Chapter 39

Memories and love are what make grief hurt so bad. It's almost crippling. It's like no matter how much I want to run from it, it's there and it never leaves. It's almost enough to drive a person completely and madly insane.

The doctors put me on medication to help control the way I felt, the funeral was hard. This all was hard. How do you just say goodbye to someone you love? Forever...

"Clara I think we can induce you if you want that." My doctor stated. "You're 36 weeks, everything looks good, usually we wouldn't do this but I think you need this."

I nodded kicking my feet back and forth causing the paper on the exam paper to crinkle. "Are you sure it will be safe?"

He nodded. "Of course. Be the hospital for 8 am tomorrow."

I nodded as he left the room. I sat there on the exam table and cried alone. Everything felt like I was doing this for nothing. I was exhausted and sad. A knock on the door shot me up.

"Can I come in?" It was the soft gentle voice of my dad.

"Yes." I was able to get out. My throat hurt. My body hurt. My head was slamming.

He walked in with his bright gentle smile. "Your doctor said you were done, I just wanted to make sure you're okay."

"Daddy I.... I miss him so much." I didn't hold back my tears. He hugged me. Not caring that there was definitely mascara on his tshirt. "He should be here."

"He should be here Clarie, and I'm so sorry he isn't." He hugged me tightly.

"It hurts." I whimpered.

"I know honey bee." He pulled back to look at me a mischievous smile. "It's your last day before officially becoming a mom, lets get pizza hm?"

I smiled, as I have said before his favorite way to cheer me up was to order us pizza and watch a movie. "That sounds great dad." I smiled at him as he ruffled up my hair making it a mess.

I snuggled up on the couch with my dad as we ate pizza. Half with olives and pepperoni for me half with pickles and pepperoni for him.

"I love spending time with you honey bee." He smiled down at me.

"Me too dad."

"I never want to lose you Clara. I don't know how... how I'd live without you." He hugged me tightly.

"I feel the same about you, but inevitably one day... one of us will die first."

"Shhh." He put his pizza in his mouth. "We don't need to discuss that."

The idea of not having my dad made me shutter. This year has tested our relationship. I feel bad to all the mean things I said to him. "Dad?"

"Hm?"

"Why did you forgive grandma and grandpa all those years ago?"

He sighed. "I'll never escape the topic of my past with you will I?" He let put a light chuckle. "I always wanted them to love me and I guess in their own weird way they did love me, they must have loved me." He furrowed his eyebrows. "They just weren't good at showing it. They thought what they did was what was best because thats all they knew. They didn't know better. When I fucked up my father was the one to clean all the messes." He looked at me.

"But you never ever treated me like that."

"I learned what I wanted to be like as a parent from someone very special to me." I knew he meant Martha. "And I also saw you when you were born, when you were placed in my arms I knew right then and there Clara, I would die for you, I would kill for you, I would do anything for you."

"Will I feel that too?"

He shrugged. "I don't know. But you'll feel this need to.... Protect your child. Even if you're scared."

"How scared were you when we were in the trunk?"

"Very, but as I said I'd never ever let anything happen to you Clara."

I didn't deserve him to be my dad. When I was caught up in dance I was just awful to him. "Will you come in the room with me tomorrow?"

"To have the baby?" He tilted his head.

I bit my lip and nodded. "Yes, I want you there."

"What about appa?"

I nodded. "Him too, even though I'm mad at him."

"Ah don't be like that clara." My appa popped in the living room grabbing a slice of pizza and throwing himself on the couch next to me.

"I'm angry with you." I sighed.

"I know, and I understand Clara. But I still love you."

I groaned. I loved both of them more than life itself. They were my best friends and my parents. I guess looking back at my dads life.... I had the worlds best parents.

"Appa?"

"Hm?"

"Whats it like to love a child who isn't yours?"

"You are mine." He stopped eating and looked at me. "You know that."

"Won't you love the new baby more than me?"

He laughed. "Clara I know I'll love my baby, but theres only one Clara. I could have hundred kids and I'll never love them like I love you."

I nodded. "I love you appa."

"But my grandson..." he grinned. "I'll love him more than anyone in this room" he joked.

"Yoongiah." My dad whined. "Stop it."

All of us laughed and cuddled together on the couch waiting for the morning to come, because tomorrow would change our lives forever. In a good way.... I hoped.