It's Time To Go // Criston Cole // Harwin Strong

35. Venom

"I'm pregnant," Rhaenyra squealed. 

Aislynn knew it was coming. She heard the words whispered through her mind before she even said them. Yet they still hit Aislynn like a physical force, and she swayed. 

"I-I didn't know Laenor was back." Was that my voice? Aislynn thought as the words left her. It sounded so far away—but so normal. Other than the minor stutter, it didn't even shake. How was it not shaking when her whole body trembled? 

"He was." Rhaenyra offered. "But I swear that man could get me pregnant from across the narrow sea." she mused. Aislynn closed her eyes, imagining her bouncing on the balls of her feet, vibrating with her excitement. 

The tears Aislynn just swiped away came back. She hated them. How dare those tears fall when Rhaenyra's joy bubbled through her? Instead of crying, Aislynn should have been squealing right along with her like Aislynn had when Aemond was born. Because Rhaenyra was trying to reach out but Aislynn didnt really know why. 

Aislynn should have been happy for Rhaenyra, she was the heir afterall. And Aislynn was happy. But Aislynn also wanted to break the wall, slam her fist right through it in anger. Not that it was her fault. She didn't know. Rhaenyra didn't know how much each period hung around Aislynn neck like a heavy collar of shame. 

Rhaenyra and Alicent had no idea how much Aislynn was failing. Part of Aislynn wanted to let the sob caught in her throat break free and lay it at Alicent's feet. Saying why not me? But this wasn't the right time. This was Rhaenyra's time to be excited, and she seemed to need or at least want Aislynn to be there with her.  Excited for her. With a deep breath, AIslynn swallowed it down, packaging the swell of emotion into the box with all the others, and forced herself into her excitement. 

"I'm so happy for you and Laenor." Aislynn declared. Rhaenyra squealed again and told Aislynn all about her symptoms and predictions about gender. Aislynn didnt see the venom behind Rhaenyra's false pleasantries. 

Aislynn played along, somehow finding a minor relief from the crushing weight. Celebrating with her bought Aislynn time to ignore the swell of emotions bubbling under the surface. That she barely contained within the box Aislynn tried to keep them in.

 When Aislynn ignored them, the pressure wasn't so intense. When Aislynn ignored them, they were less likely to break free. When she ignored them, it was easier to keep herself from lashing out blindly in an attempt to ease the tension. The problem was that they grew bigger with every negative test, every moons bleedings.

 The problem was they were getting harder to ignore. Thankfully, Aislynn had Finn and Alicent's babies to occupy her.  It would be the perfect distraction. All she had to do was keep the attention on everyone else, and Aislynn would buy herself a little more time to pretend she was fine. All Aislynn had to do was keep the lights off of herself, and no one would notice the cracks. Nothing would be able to break free. 

Aislynn was in control. 

Aislynn was fine.

Aislynn was lying as she forced a smile. 

There is beauty in control. There is grace in symmetry. 

Aislynn had to stay in control because if she didnt people would call her crazy, say she lost her mind. So Aislynn had to be fine.