The Beekeeper

Chapter 30

Autumn, 1194

The night was peaceful. An earlier rainstorm had subsided, the clouds clearing to reveal a moonless but star-filled October sky. Before going to bed, they had sat together for a long time looking up at the heavens, remarking on the wonders of nature and life. There was much to be happy about and to be thankful for. Now, more than ever.

In the darkness of their bedchamber, Guy was reclined against the pillows, one hand resting against his belly. His other hand rested on Cassia's hip. She was sleeping peacefully beside him, and ordinarily, he would have been settled happily against her. But his eyes were fixed on the empty space in front of him - his mind deep in thought.

I am with child, Guy.

The announcement had shaken him to the core. But Cassia had looked at him with such an incandescent expression. Never had he seen such a shine of bliss on any woman's face before, and her feelings were contagious. His rattled mind briefly retreated from its state of shock and reveled in the happiness they shared. After their rendezvous under the stars, they had gone to bed and made tender love, with Cassia shedding tears while he held her. He wanted to be as delighted as she was. And his heart was filled with joy.

But now that he was alone with his thoughts, his repressed feelings of shock returned. And with them came a deep sensation of fear. He sighed, wishing the oppressive weight would lift - but it remained stubbornly fixed.

Cassia's voice came from beside him.

"Guy, what is wrong?"

He looked down at her, wondering when she had come awake. Had he done something to disturb her?

"Forgive me," he said. "It is nothing. Go back to sleep."

She turned over to face him. Looking up at him, she let out a breath of her own.

"I have hardly been at rest. You have expelled your breath so many times, I am prepared to smother you with a pillow."

"So, I have disturbed you then. My apologies, beloved. I shall attempt to be quiet."

Pushing herself up, she leaned against him and mumbled in a sleepy voice.

"It is of no use now. I am awake, and I will know what keeps you so."

Putting him arm around her, he drew her close. "You should not worry for me." He kissed her temple. "Think only of yourself, and our child." It was his hope that she would consent and settle back into a state of slumber, but he was quite aware of who he had to contend with. He was not at all surprised when she took a firm tone with him.

"Guy, please do not attempt to change the subject. Tell me what troubles you."

Pride silenced him. How could he tell her what he felt?

"Are you unhappy about the news?"

He shook his head in denial. "Not at all. I am happier than words can say."

"Are you worried about being a father?"

"Not entirely."

"Is it me, then? Are you worried over me?"

He said nothing, but he knew that she could read him and see the answer. He felt like such a fool at that moment. Men were supposed to look upon these matters - these womanly manners - with only a passing concern. They were not supposed to dwell on their fears. And they were certainly not supposed to express their fears openly to others. To their wives, in particular.

But despite his reservations, he did not object when Cassia rose to her knees and put her arms around his neck. The soft kisses she pressed to his face were welcome, despite their inappropriateness. Did she not understand that she was bestowing her sweet affections on a coward? Clearly, it did not matter to her.