The Good Wife

Shattered

Aamna

After that revelation, things I least desires happened. Aamir's attitude towards me changed. His eyes are sympathetic to me,those earlier admiration, mischievous glances is gone.Now its replaced with pity. The emotion, I least wants from anyone.I don't want someone to pitied me ,I am not a charity case. I am not a victim, I am a survivor. I am a fighter who endured worst possible torture and still come out. I hadn't let the fire within myself diminished.

These is his reaction when he just know a part of truth. What will be his reaction when he find out everything. Will he keep
Sometimes you hadn't even realized that you are expecting something. Don't know how and when ,you subconscious start hoping something. You start seeing light at the end of tunnel.

Same is the case with me.I not even know when I broke my resolve to never trust again. I broke my resolve to never rely on others. I have hurt before and still hadn't learnt anything. 

Aamir's soft words make its way in my heart. The heart which was hopeless again start beating with hope of a bright future ahead. The deaire to have a companion besides you,the one who will stands with you through thick and thin. The desire to feel ,most beautiful emotion of world,desire to feel love. To love and to be loved.

"Aamir,I have start seeing life with you " I whispered to none or myself .I don't know and not even care to know.

you are not special.

I laughed on my fate ,my situation, my misery. A wet drop touches my left cheek. Tears are flowing frommy eyes involuntary. Once again my hope is crushed into pieces. I think its my fault to have such high hopes.My family who had raised me ,had abandoned me ,Aamir is just a stranger who I started liking. Its not his fault, its my mistake. I should have told him ,he wouldn't have indulge with me. Pillow is soaked with my warm tears.There is black stain on it due to smudging of my cohl.My eyes feels heavy and it starts paining. Its hard to keep my eyes open . I shut my eyes close.

That scene again start flashing . My hesitation, fear and dilemma. My confession and his  withdrawal. That day he hadn't merely left,he left by crushing my hope,my confidence and my trust. I felt,I shouldn't open up to anyone. At the end I will be left alone on my most vulnerable moment . I had kept looking to his retreating figure ,in the hope that he will turn back.

How he was feeling?

That revelation was huge shock for him.The girl whom  he was promising moon and back ,is divorcee ,heartbroken and shattered. Life is ironical.what we feel, what we think and what life  thrown on us. It is very different,strange and unexpected.

"Common Aamna ,you are not dealing it first time." I said to myself. He isn't the first who left me alone. I can do it again. I assure myself but deep down I know what I wanted at that moment. I know its wrong to yearn for him. A man I known for a year ,its not a long time.I am wrong we hadn't even well  known to each other.but what if we knew. What if we get chance to know each other ,each aspect of each other by marrying.

How beautiful it is to share a life with companion. There is another person who will give his back to you,you two will support each other,face hurdles of life and live a wholesome life. How beautiful this thought is.

Am I deserve that life? What I'll give that person.

What am I ?

Broken butterfly

Bird whose winges is chopped ?

Am I worth someone's love ?

Why I want it, even after getting rejection from the man who claimed to love me. How I can be so clingy,desperate and cribbing person

Tears makes it way again but I'll be okay in few days. Like I always do .

*****

It was a warm sunny day,sky was clear like a painters canvas. Few birds are flying in the sky. There is slow wind is flowing. Its a pleasant day which automatically boost my mood. I have followed my routine ,study is all I can do. In break time,I ordered my food and sat at our usual place. Later everyone joins one by one. He also came and sit across me. Our eyes met for few times but I averted my gaze.  Today is no different except its just two of us sitting at table today. My eyes searched others to join but they didn't come. I keep eating my food. Our cafeteria is usually empty today and it churns my stomach. Scary thoughts start coming in my mind.I looks towards him and he is watching me intently .

What's he is upto ? Is he going to create a scene . What if he had disclosed it to everyone. What they'll think about me.will they treat me the same  like they did before. " unwanted thoughts running in my mind.

"I was shocked "he said in low voice. Now I realized why others is absent today. He planned all this to talk alone

" Okay " I replied and continue my lunch together.

"Aamna, I know, I was wrong that day and now I am apologizing sincerely and you are casual response. "

"First thing you don't need to apologize, second thing just chill"

"You disclose such a crucial...

"Nothing is crucial its just a event happens in life of many people." I don't wants others to figure out more about my past.I don't know how people will react to it. I don't want drama in my life ,I just wants peace and stability in life so I can focus on my studies. Studies matters the most.

"I know it happened but you faced it at very young age and I am sorry ...

"Stop it Aamir, nothing major happened in my life. Stop apologizing again and again. "He  irritates me .

"Aamna...

" Listen Aamir ,you hadn't done anything wrong neither you are responsible for events happened in my past. At some weak moments ,I decided to disclose it to you ,it meant nothing to me. You were the one who was proclaiming love to again and again. It became my duty to stop it on time. Its necessary to stop you from riding high horse. I guess, I am clear now. I told him in polite but firm tone.  His eyes keep looking to me while gesture is calm and composed.

"  ek hi dil hai kitni baar jeetogi ( I have only one heart and you are winning it again and again  ) he said with bright smile . He took one bite  of cake in his hand and put it in his mouth.He close his eyes ,leaving me astonished.

What he think about himself? I did nothing to win his heart. I am doing nothing and still winning hearts? I laughed on my situation. 

"I never met somone like you. Others would have shouted on me for running away like cowards. But here you are dismissing whole matter. Letting it go like it never happened. You are putting brave face but behind this mask there is a girl who was heartbroken .She might have faced criticism from near and distant people in life. I understand all this,your worries regarding the truth  to be find out by others. Trust me , i know its hard for you but its safe with me. " he said with sincerity but I just ran away from there. I was subjected to abuse , abandonment ,neglect and betrayl  that kindness is too much for me. It overwhelms me. Tears flows once again from my eyes. Aamir what you are doing to me.