The Good Wife

Coward

Aamna

When he asked why I put on my guards on ? Aksed me what is the problem.?

The answer came ,my divorce is the problem and laughed on it.

What I supposed to do,show him  deepest wounds on my soul.The wounds which isn't healed,wounds which is still bleeding. Thrones which still piercing my hearts, it is so deep in my heart that it will bleed me to the death. I know its killing me from inside and each day I am trying to overcome it but...

I don't want to be vulnerable again. Its so hard to pick up pieces and rebuild myself. I have come very far from what I was. I don't want to be that dark place again. That place where I don't feel anything except sadness. Those tears which automatically fallen from my eyes.Those sleepless nights and scary dreams. I can't relive that phase.

Telling Aamir about my divorce means again reliving those moments by describing who is Ibrahim, what went wrong with him. That history I don't want to discuss. I don't want to discuss difficult phase when I am not even sure . May be I'll experience panic attacks.

Few months ago I saw Ibrahim and my health start deteriorating.  Karuna was there and bubbly personality divert the attention. If I would tell Aamir than I had to confront my past .

I'M STILL A COWARD. I CAN'T RECALL MY PAST  AND SAY I AM A FIGHTER. I AM THE ONE WHO IS RUNNING AWAY FROM MY PAST.

I am not ready to anything. I don't know what I feel about marriage. What I feel about a spouse.Am I even comfortable with the idea sharing my personal space with someone else. Am I even comfortable around a man.

There is hundreds of questions in my mind and answer is unavailable.I sure share space with males in public but idea of being alone with a man makes me hyper. Fear rose to biles and I start hyperventilating. My body automatically switched to flight or fight situation.

Aamir doesn't know anything about this. Side of mine which gave thrills to myself. He is attracted to me because I act differently but he doesn't know why I act differently. The reason is disgusting. I am disgusting, dirty,shit. The shit which is need to be thrown out not hugged.I am the mirror which is broken into millionsof pieces. If he will try to mend it ,he will bleed too.

Whoever come in contact to me they'll ve hurt.I am the curse which everyone should avoid. The day he will propose me,I'll humiliate him in the manner that he will hate me. That way he will stay away from me. I am not made for him. He deserves better. Anyone deserves better than me. Everyone else is good in compare to me .I'll always stand at the last.

I have soaked my pillow by weeping for hours.Few tears dried on my face and my cohl smudged.Pillow cover is strained due to cohl mixed tears. My lips has cracks too.I stand up and moves to balcony. Classes are still going on but my mood is off so I have returned.Whole building is empty and it has pindrop silence. I have sit in balcony to watch passersby. It has  odd kind of comfort.