The Good Wife

Habitual

Aamna

Its been a year in this college. I have make so many memories with everyone which I am going to cherish in future. So many times I have hinted about my divorce to Aamir. I don't want him to be in dark neither I want to burst the truth to him. I have taking baby steps. What you can expect from a person like me.

I have trust issues . I can't trust people fully, no matter how much I tried. A tiny doubt appears in my mind. They can be my well wisher but what if they are not?
What will happenif they leave me alone on cliff. How I'll deal with another heartbreak. I know its not right but despite of several tries,the doubt ,occurance of an unexpected future betrayal keep lingering in my mind. Tears fall from my eyes. I am impossible, broken beyond repair. I wiped my tears and moved in garden of our campus.

I saw his figure sitting onthe bench near Ashoka trees. There is a row of this trees which fulfilled its decorative purpose. Fine,velvety grass spread on the ground and the water droplet on it gave it shony look. Few birds were sitting onthe tree,chirping and flying. Sun is rising and sky is illuminating with its bright sunshine. There dispersed clouds on the sky. Its a beautiful morning.

"Aamir ?" I  said and his attention moved from his phone to me.

"As.. he start to greet me

"Don't interrupt let me speak today "I said sternly. Once the casual talk start ,my courage will vanish in thin air.I don't want to start greeting each other than usual awkward silence happened between us. I want to pour my heart out.

"I was married after passing 12th class and divorced within few months. I have prepared for medical entrance after that and today I am standing in front of you." I said in one go . My eyes were closed because I can't say it by looking into his eyes. My heart feels light,burden is lifted. I am not lying anymore. I am not keeping things from the man who claim to love me. I am not testing his love. I am not testing his loyalty. I am opening up to him . I am sharing crucial part of my life.

I looks to him but there is no expression on his face. He wasn't shocked nor angry . There is no clue of sympathy on his face. What he might be thinking about me. Is he feeling pity for me. Will his feelings change for me afterwards. I wants some reaction from hi. But he showed nothing. He just left without saying anything. I keep looking his retreating figure. My heart keeps hoping that he will look back for me but he didn't. I hears ignition of his car and I knew he left.

He leaves me just like everyone else. My legs become wobbly and I falls on the ground. Tears keep falling from my eyes. Once again,they choose to leave me alne,to deal with my pain. Everyone is the same.I have no one in the whole world.

"I told you ,he will leave " my inner voice screamed. I was wrong to not trust my gut feelings. Anything can be wrong but not your intuition. I  was stupid,I was wrong, I don't deserve anyone, nobody will ever love me.nobody will side with me. I am pathetic, I am useless.

"Aamna " 

I heard a faint sound.Its so distant, where am I ? What I was doing? Had I died?  Someone hugged me tightly. The familiar comforting hug. I falls in the arms of beholder,loosen my body in her embrace. Tears falling in my eyes but I don't care. She might not understand my situation but she is always there.

"My friend is always there. Karuna is here ,My savior came " my inner voice relaxed. Tension loosen up in my body and I start regaining control.

"Drink water "she said with concern.I followed her order like a good girl.she is the one who never left me alone.she is the one who always stay at my side. She never pressurized me for anything. She is the best.I keep looking to her face. There is concern,tension,worry but also contentment to find me.

"What were you doing here ? Do you know how much worried I was when I saw you like that . Why are you like this. Don't lie to me this time otherwise I'll kill you. She threatened me but unlike someone else there is concern in her tone.

"I came to here for amazing sunset but recalled a traumatic life incident. Recalled horror my ex husband put me in." I said to her. Its good to loose people before you became habitual of them. That hurts a lot. Its good to deal the pain for  once and all. She doesn't say anything, looks towards me and my heart beat increased.

Allah ,I  don't want to loose everyone for one incident.  Please help me. Please let her stay.

She hugged me tightly, hadn't said anything for few minutes. She sat besides me for few minutes.  Keep sipping water like her coffee. I know she is stressed and nervous. She must me debating with herself.

"  I am putting my number on speed dial, call me when it start again. We need to hide it from others. " she said and I nodded my head. I am so thankful for a friend like her.I  wish this things would have  done by Aamir. I have opened up to him and get comfort from someone else. Life is very unpredictable.

We reached to our room ,she switched onthe lights. She sat on chair.I sat on my bed. I  feels really exhausted, all my energy is drained. I drink one more glass of water while keep looking to ceiling. She give me glass of warm milk and toast. I hadn't knew when she left . I finished my meal and she tuck me in bed. I hold her hand tightly.

"Please don't go to college today, please don't leave me alone" I begged her and she nodded. I am relaxed now soon sleep hits me.

*******

I saw Aamir is coming in the classroom. He wore his signature stylish clothes ,blue denim jean and white shirt. He comes directly towards me and sit near me and karuna. I cower away to her side. His presence make my biles churned out.   I  sat there like statue. I keep listening what professor was teaching although I am failing to comprehend anything. His presence makes me anxious and numb. I  don't want to stay in his vicinity.

He scares me .He is the strom which will destroy everything I have collected. My existence will be torn in pieces and shattered in the way that I won't be able to rebuild. He is a bad news for me. His love is fake and his promise are empty. He is the person who makes me believe that he cares but the moment I fall for him,he is done with me. He will show like he is ready to listen what's bothering me than run away,leaving me alone to deal with everything 

"Aamna ,we nead to talk" he said to me and I nodded.

"Tomorrow morning in garden " I said confidently but I was quickening from inside. My limbs were numb. I am scared of my last condition   I wasn't going to do that again. I will not be vulnerable again infront of anyone. I won't go there. I can't deal with another panick attack. I can't trust him. He brings worst out of me.He scares me  he reminds me Ibrahim. I don't want to relive those traumatic moments again.

I keep ignoring his requests to meet him in person.I  hadn't leave doing lunch together with our group. Its so difficult for me to do so but I don't want others to figure out. It would be lethal for me.

"Hey Aamir ,our tickets is booked for movie tonight "Sajid told to him.

" Thanks for fulfilling my request in such short time your are a gem. You are giving time to me others are so busy that they can't give few minutes. " he said with a smile to him but I noticed the sarcasm directed towards. I controlled myself somehow. What's the point in fighting with him. This is my problem and I need to deal with it.I finished my meal and went to washroom to wash hands. When I was returning he was standing at doorframe.

"Leave my way Aamir " I said sternly.

"Give me time to explain and stop ignoring me."

"You have five minutes start from here " I said to him.He doesn't believe me but I need to protect myself. I can't afford another panick attack. Karuna is not my family to deal with trauma and nurse me.I am grateful to her for last whe week but I can't burden her. She isn't my health care provider.

"I hadn't wanted to leave you like that. "

"But you did "my displeasure came out

"I was not in right state of mind ,I hadn't know how to respond to a crucial thing of your life. I was.. "

"Okay "