So here we both are, staring at each other, breathing the same air, and in the same time zone. This may be coming in full circle.
“Where do you want me to begin?” He asked, happiness very visible in his tone and face.
“Wherever you want to begin, I’ve got all the time in the world for you.” I squeezed his hand. These manly, strong hands that I’ve missed holding.
“Thank…. you..., Jamie.” his voice cracked a little and he chose to look down after a few seconds of staring at me.
Please don’t cry, we’re done with crying. We’re better now.
“For what?” I looked at him so tenderly.
“For everything that you have done for me. I know and understand how hard it was and is for you too. You may be so far away, we may have not been together all these years but you were always there.”
He continued after pausing a few seconds.
“Funny thing is that you let me go for me to grow but I still wanted to be back where you are. I wanted to a year ago but I stopped myself because I knew I’m not there yet. I understood what you meant by me growing. I was too comfortable where I was and stopped dreaming, not realizing that I’ve changed. It was not the change that I dreamt of, I tried so hard to be the best version for you because I thought that would always make you happy but I failed in recognizing that my reflection changed and it was not what I am supposed to be. I know and understand that now. You have always wanted the best for me and I knew how proud you were whenever I achieved great heights. That is why I am always grateful to you. You don’t know how much of you have helped me through these years. You may tell me that I should not have you as my reason for the things I do, but I disagree, you have been, will be, and shall be. It’s just that now, I have myself to consider in that equation too all the time. I don’t know if that makes sense at all but yeah, that’s what I thought of all these.”
He finished his long explanation with a small smile.
“I’m proud of you.” Is all I could say. What else do I add to that?
“You don’t know how relieved I am that I am telling you these in person.” he admitted while shaking his head slightly.
“Hey, I’m looking forward to hearing about everything you want to tell me. How have you been?”
“I missed you, I cannot express how much. That’s how I have been.” Answering me back while caressing my hand.
“I missed you too, so much.” I smiled at him because this ”I miss you” will never run its course today. We’ll be saying that a thousand times more to each other, I think.
Sean told me about his school, where he lives, the people that he met and became friends with. The weekend trips they had when their time permitted and promised to show me some pictures he took later on. Explained what his dissertation was briefly when I asked but promised to let me read it when he gets the copy of the printed one. I didn’t ask much about how life was for him during his first months because this was not the place to talk about it. We might be bawling our eyes out when we do and we’ll be uttering so many “I’m sorries” along the way.
He said my parents and my brother call him to get updates and check how he is doing, likewise he calls them back whenever which actually is not really surprising. Knowing my parents, they liked Sean and my brother has this brotherly respect for him too and has liked him ever since they hung out before Johann left for school. I know they kept in touch because my brother, the thoughtful man that he is, was trying his best not to talk about Sean the last time I visited.
We have been talking for a while and with all these catching up, I had to ask something that’s been bothering me since.
“Are you back… you know for good?” I was a little hesitant to ask, but I really had to.
“Nope.”
“Oh…” that’s all I could muster upon hearing his answer. I guess we need to talk about a lot of things today.
“I’m here for a quick vacation, I still have a graduation ceremony to attend to and a few documents to prepare, so I have to go back in two weeks' time.”
I did not know how to respond to that. I know we need to talk about things that transpired a while back but I did not think that it would be this soon. I thought we’d savour catching up first and not talk about certain serious stuff. Is this going to be a fleeting happiness?
Sean gently squeezed my hand to get my attention back, I didn't realize that I spaced out and I neglected to respond. I’ve not even noticed that we’ve been holding hands this long too.
“Uh… sorry. Want to go for a walk? The coffee shop is feeling a little stuffy.”
“Jamie…”
“Let’s go for a walk, come on.” I stood up, gathered my things, and looked at him convincingly that I needed some fresh air.
I thought to myself, this is a fleeting happiness, one that will pass by so quickly without me grasping it tightly. And that scared me and I need to process this thoroughly for mine and Sean’s sake.
Special Chapter: Through the Night 6
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