Ruined By You | 18+ | ✓

08: bailey | now

It's the middle of the night. I woke up in a cold sweat from a nightmare that was unfortunately true. Javi was somehow sleeping soundly next to me so I climbed out of bed and went to the shower to clear my head.

Only, it has the opposite effect because the only thing that has calmed me down when I remember what's happened in the past is thinking of Kaitlyn.

I don't want to do that right now because all I can fucking think of is how angry she was earlier and how hard it was to resist touching her and kissing her when I had her backed against the dresser. The thought of ever being able to reconnect with Hunter is what kept me from it.

I resist the urge to bang my head against the cool shower tiles. What the hell was I thinking?

Stepping under the cold water, I can't get the image of her out of my head. I would have told her everything earlier if Kaitlyn had asked. That's what she does to me.

The cold water is doing nothing to calm my mind. I remember the feel of her soft lips on mine. I hate how powerless I feel when I'm with her. I hate that she's my happy place. I shouldn't be doing this and thinking of her, but selfishly I can't stop myself. I hate the way her laugh sounds. How it echoes through you and her joy is radiant. My hand rests on the cold tile helping to ground me. I hate the way she can make me smile no matter my mood. I hate the way her hair curls in a perfectly messy way when she's surfing. And most of all, I hate that I want her more than I've wanted anything in my life.

The painful truth that echoes through my head is that even after all this time, I still fucking love her. But I have no intention of hurting her or Hunter, despite what he did. I want to be better.

I wash myself quickly before turning the water off to grab a towel. I catch sight of myself in the mirror and I can see just how afraid I am of this place. I'm afraid that I won't be able to keep my promise to myself that I won't hurt my family anymore. My hair is short compared to the way I used to wear it. I asked Mirabelle if she would cut it for me today after arguing with Kait, but I was surprised when she actually said yes.

The dirty blond hair is cropped close on the sides with my blonde waves unruly on top. Mirabelle called it a curly texture cut or whatever that means. She said she found it on Pinterest. It reminds me a little bit of how JJ's hair looked but I guess I can compare when he gets back.

I slip into my boxers and the pair of clean shorts I brought in with me to change into. I'm not tired at all and all I would do is wake Javi up with my tossing and turning if I go back to bed.

When I was younger and I needed to think, there's a window next to the loft on the top floor that leads to a flat section of the roof to sit on. I'd sit there and watch the stars and the moon, wondering how lonely it must be up there with everything so far apart. I did it a lot too when I was in the camps, keeping watch to make sure none of our shit was messed with. It gave me comfort that the same moon I was looking at would also be the same one shining down over my family.

I slip up the stairs quietly to the third floor only to find that the window is already open. I poke my head out cautiously, taken aback when I see Hunter sitting on the roof. Before I can make the decision as to whether I want to join him or try my hand at sleep again, he looks over at me. I expect him to jump in surprise but he tilts his head curiously at me.

"You coming out?" He asks calmly and that invitation is how I find myself climbing out the window.

Guilt lurks in the back of my mind because not even ten minutes ago I was thinking about my feelings for his girlfriend. I drag a hand through my wet hair, shoving the thought away.

"When did you start coming out here?" I ask, trying to find a way to break open the conversation after sitting in silence for a couple of minutes.

Hunter shrugs, "I saw you come out here one night, but I didn't start coming out here until after you left."