Insatiable [h.s]

48

TW: mentions of sexual & physical assault, mentions of suicidal thoughts.

My body felt numb.

My mind was refusing to think of anything.

Everything was just blank.

My mind felt so detached from my body that as I pet Jake, I couldn't even feel his fur as I glided my hand across him. I was just so distant.

I tried to sleep on the rest of the drive to LA but my body wouldn't allow me to. No matter how long I sat with my eyes closed I just couldn't relax enough to actually sleep.

Thalias eyes would flash into the rear view mirror to meet mine every so often. Her brows furrowed like her brothers always are as she drove us the rest of the way to wherever it was we were going.

The drive went by fairly quickly. It's the middle of the night so there was next to no one on the freeway leaving an open road for us to travel as fast as Thalia wanted. It seemed like every couple of minutes I'd look down at the GPS brightly lit up on the car screen and an hour had somehow already gone by.

When we got to the house I couldn't even be surprised by the size of it. Once again, it was a three story with huge windows and a beautiful view of the city. If I was in any other state of mind I would have absolutely loved this house, gushed about it and been in complete shock that this was where we were going to stay.

But I couldn't even force myself to say a single words as Thalia led us inside.

Once I'm feeling more like myself I'm definitely going to have to do a proper walk through of this house and see everything.

"Harrys room is on the third floor." Thalia said to me as we neared the stairs on the first floor. "Turn right and it's the last door on the left. You can stay in there for now."

Are you sure? Is what I wanted to ask, but I couldn't. I couldn't force myself to speak as she looked at me.

So instead I just followed her directions and headed to Harrys room. The staircase seemed to go on forever, my trip to the third floor feeling like I had been walking for thirty minutes by the time I finally made it all the way up.

I had grabbed both duffle bags so my arms were not only being weighed down by the weight inside of them, but by the weight I was feeling inside of myself. I felt like I was dragging bricks up with me each step that I took.

I couldn't pinpoint an exact emotion. Everything seemed to be jumbling together and confusing me at this point.

I do know I'm scared though.

I'm scared for Harry and Niall. I'm scared for Louis and Liam to go back to Cave Junction— Actually I'm terrified something will happen to any of them. My fear is only escalated now that I know Millie and Liam are together. If something happened to Liam because of my mistake I'd never forgive myself.

Same for any of the guys honestly.

As much as I'd like to deny it, I care about every one of them. This last month has proven to work against me to say the least.

I care about all of them and the idea of anything happening to any of them terrifies me.

Not only that, but I'm also scared because of the three men I saw killed in front of me. I'm fearful that I will never be able to get those imagines out of my head— the sounds of the gunshots still echoing in my ears when I close my eyes. Seeing their still, lifeless bodies in front of me as blood began to pool around them.

Then just leaving them like nothing happened... What kind of person does that make me?

I hate myself for causing this.