Dispatches from a Teenage Girl

Chapter 31

I get to school on Monday, unsure how this meet-up is going to happen. But I am nervous. So nervous. And way, way more nervous than I thought I would be.

And why am I nervous? Is it because he knows everything about me? EV-VE-RY-THING.

I am also not sure if it's something more. But I definitely spent more time choosing my outfit today than any other Monday in my entire life.

I walk into the front doors with butterflies in my stomach and make my way to homeroom. My phone buzzes just as I am about to walk through the classroom door.

Outside the front doors at lunch?

I take a deep breath. It's really happening.

That works.

That works?!? So casual. So much more casual than I actually feel right now. I put my phone back in my bag and walk into class. I see Claire and make my way over to her and give her a huge hug. It feels good. We chat about the weekend and as soon as the teacher comes in, I make my way to my desk.

And here we are again. Anxious feelings in the classroom, have become such a big part of my senior year. Nervous stomach, watching the clock, waiting for the day to go by a little faster.

***

Finally, the lunch bell rings and I feel like I am frozen in my seat. I have been so focused on the clock that I forgot all about being nervous. And now I AM NERVOUS.

What if he's someone I've known forever? What if he's someone I don't like? What if he doesn't like me?

I honestly can't move my legs. It feels like I can't really stand up.

But I know I need to. There is no way out of this.

Because if I don't, then what? I'll still have to text with him and I'll have to explain why I didn't show. And then we will set a new place and time to meet. And the cycle continues.

I get up slowly, unsteadily, step away from my chair, shake my legs out and take a deep breath. And I begin to walk towards the front door. It is about a two-minute walk but today, it feels like an hour and also two seconds. I get there. Eventually. And stop right at the door. Frozen again.

You can do this. God Lucy, get a grip.

I take a deep breath, close my eyes for a few seconds, and then, I open the door.

And there, standing against the wall, looking at me, is the editor. I mean I think it's him. He's the only person standing there, waiting, looking nervous. He looks at me, I look at him. I raise my eyebrow. He nods. It's him. For sure. 

And the editor... it's Michael.

Kind, thoughtful, Michael. Math class Michael. Michael who talked to me about college choices. Oh Michael. What a relief.

I walk over to him. We look at each other. We know each other so well. He knows me especially. But we don't know each other at all.

We pause awkwardly as we face each other. He stretches his arms out with a funny and confused look on his face. I open my arms too and go in for the hug.

It's a great hug. It's warm. And tight. And comforting.

"Michael?"

"Lucy?"

"I had zero idea it was you. None, whatsoever," I tell him.

He shrugs his shoulders.

"No way. You knew it was me??"

"Well, not exactly," he says. "But if I had to guess, I would have guessed you."

"Oh shit, do you think other people know?"