Dispatches from a Teenage Girl

Chapter 20

I wake up the next morning to a text from the editor.

Done. It's in.

Yessssss! I roll out of bed with a bit of a hop in my step. First time in a while. Something is finally going my way.

My phone buzzes again.

Dinner out next time for sure.

It's Sam. Holy shit. It's SAM!

I had almost forgotten that I had texted him yesterday with all of the stress about the rant and putting it together so quickly. Plus I was spending my time in a toilet stall, clearly I wasn't thinking straight. But here we are! He wrote back. Today is going to be a good day.

I jump in the shower, get dressed and run downstairs. My mom notices right away.

"You seem chipper this morning," she comments.

"Just so excited to go to school," I answer sarcastically but also with a wink.

"I don't care what it is, it's nice to see," and she kisses the top of my head.

I grab a bagel and bounce out the door.

I arrive at school and for once don't feel tremendous dread. I head into homeroom.

My teacher is calling everyone to attention which is unusual this early. He usually just lets us chat and do homework until the bell rings.

"So I know you've all been anxiously awaiting this day."

Ummm, what day?

"This is the day we begin your college applications."

Oh. Shit.

"I am handing out this brochure that provides all of the details for applying online. Please read it carefully. Please share it with your parents. Please do not screw up this application process. Do not be late. This is your one chance."

A brochure drops in front of me on my desk and it's like it's made of lava. Maybe if I never touch it, never open it, I never have to deal with it. That's a solid plan, right? I grab it by the corner and toss it in my bag.

I head to my first class and it honestly feels like the brochure is weighing down my entire bag. It is definitely weighing on my mind.

Everyone else seems to be happily walking to their next class, no one else seems particularly burdened. Does everyone already know what they're going to do? For the rest of their lives?

I sit down in math class and look over at the guy sitting next to me. I think his name is Michael.

"Hey, have you already decided where you're applying?"

He looks at me, a little shocked that I have started speaking with him having not done so in the prior three months.

"I have it narrowed down to three schools. I have known for a while what I want to do. So I am going to apply to all three and hopefully get into one."

"What if you get into all three?" I ask.

"I'll figure that out if and when the time comes."

What a perfect answer. Figure it out when the time comes. I decide not to ask him what if he doesn't get in anywhere, seems cruel. I feel like figuring it out when the time comes has been my mantra this school year and it is not working out at all for me. Good luck to Michael. I am clueless.

***

At lunch, I find myself sitting at a table alone in the cafeteria, looking at the brochure. Flipping it around and reading every word over and over, hoping to be inspired. But I am not. I just don't know. I don't know what I want to study. I don't know where I want to live. I don't know what I want to be.