Traces and Storms

xi

    I knew I should be angry at Myungsoo. I knew I should stay away for the time being. Still, I carried on as if nothing happened, and the days passed by that way: with me pretending everything was fine, and with Myungsoo vanishing from time to time. I have learned to condition myself. I was able to drown my curiosity whenever he'd return.

Myungsoo broke the pretense a few days before my birthday. It was the start of October, then, and my parents called, telling me they would be here on the 10th. I wasn't expecting anything, though. Come to think of it, I never considered my family as dysfunctional. They were rarely home, and it could be lonely at times. Still, it seemed like all of us were wired that way: to mind our own business, and trust that we still love each other, despite the lack of communication. I found it pretty complicated, but not to the point of being dysfunctional.

"Did you even read The Great Gatsby? The one that you bought."

"What about it?" I asked. "What is it to you, if I've read it or not?"

We were in his room. Sungyeol stepped out to buy some food in the convenience store near the charity shop. It was two in the morning, and seeing how he clutched his phone before stepping out, we both knew it would take some time before he would return.

"You saw something in there," Myungsoo pointed out. "I was waiting for you to call me out on it."

"All this time?"

"All this time," he confirmed.

A pause. "Why?"

"Because it's you."

"That's not a valid reason."

He chuckled. "As you wish. But aren't you going to ask?"

"If I do," I bit my lower lip, before carrying on: "If I do ask, then what good would it do to me?"

"You're not the type to calculate things that way, though, Suji."

I scoffed. "Myungsoo, this is getting us nowhere."

"Do you know what's going on in my mind right now?" he began. "I'm thinking: 'Oh, maybe Suji never asked because she doesn't want to be apart from me.'"

"Why does it always have to revolve around you?"

"It shouldn't work out that way, huh?" Myungsoo nodded, as if he was considering something. "You're my sunshine, after all."

I never bothered replying. Myungsoo, I realized, was the only person who could frustrate me so much, and yet, I couldn't find the strength to walk away from him. The animated film kept on playing, and I stayed glued on the airbed in front of Myungsoo's mattress. He moved to where I was, and leaned on my shoulder.

"Do you like me?" he whispered.

"Only to a certain extent," I replied.

He sat up straight, and sighed. "With no hint of hesitation whatsoever. That stings a bit."

"If you're still so occupied with Soojung, then stay with her. There's no use being like this with me."

"The more you push me away," he began. "The more I get drawn to you."

"That's twisted," I scoffed.

"I tend to like the things that are out of my reach, after all."

"Like Soojung?" I suggested.

"You hit right where it hurts."

I would've told Myungsoo the same. He was a prodigy at doing exactly that.